September 18, 1972 - Born.
Kidnapped for three hours by stoned illusionist Doug Henning. Henning is later
sentenced to permanently retain his Magician’s Mullet™.
December, 1974 - Falls off chair and breaks leg.
Amidst speculation of foul play, Doug Henning flees to Alberta and is last seen
levitating a bong.
November 22, 1976 - Suspended from preschool for insisting he be addressed as “The King of
Blaxploitation, Shaft Himself, Mr. Richard Roundtree.”
August 27, 1977 - Enters kindergarten at William Yates Elementary. Within hours, becomes addicted to paste; gets the shakes during nap time.
March 2, 1983 - Beats out Brad Pitt for role as the preacher in “Tom Sawyer.” Brad plays a piece of driftwood floating down the Mississippi and is immediately accepted into Julliard.
June 17, 1987 - Wins Nobel
Prize in Physics for work involving Berry Blue Kool-Aid and its use as a catalyst
in cold fusion.
September 20, 1988 - Passes driver’s
license test despite insistence on performing the non-required perpendicular
parking maneuver.
May 30, 1990 - Graduates from
Blue Springs High School; spends summer months pining for more knowledge.
September 3, 1990 - Enters Washington University
in St. Louis; quickly tires of explaining to people that WU is not in Washington.
April 22, 1991 - Wins Nobel Prize in Chemistry
for discovering “flubber.”
April 23, 1991 - Sued by Fred MacMurray who
claims to be the original inventor of flubber.
April 24, 1991 - MacMurray drops lawsuit after
realizing that he is, in fact, dead.
April 25, 1991 - Traumatized at being sued
by one of the nation’s most-beloved dead people, gives up groundbreaking
scientific research.
January 3, 1994 - Wins Pulitzer Prize for
book titled “Just Say Cheese: the Herman Velveeta Story.”
May 20, 1994, 10 a.m. - Graduates from Washington
University chock full of $80,000 worth of knowledge.
May 20, 1994, 3 p.m. - Begins postgraduate
work at Burger King.
September 9, 1994 - Along with his roommate,
adopts a miniature potbelly pig named Elvis.
October 28, 1994 - “Halloween with the
King” party turns ugly when Elvis the pig runs out of peanut slop and
nanner sandwiches.
November 18, 1994 - Elvis passes on before
reaching his bloated, leisure-suit-wearing days.
December 4, 1994 - Elvis’ half-brother Oreo joins the household. He eventually eats:
a. 3 boxes of Hershey bars
b. A Dodge Aries
c. A stereo speaker
d. A wall
e. Al Sharpton
January 2, 1995 - Goes to
work at Smith Advertising.
January 3, 1995 - Daily grind of advertising
begins taking its toll; paste addiction resurfaces.
August 3, 1995 - Pens lyrics
to the Jiffy Lube jingle “All Across America.” Blinded by God for
three days as punishment.
January 1996 - Smith Advertising receives
Bronze Award at KC Omni Awards for a television spot; celebration culminates
with the ceremonial placing of the award into a dresser drawer.
May 11, 1996 - Writes classic funeral services brochure “Cremains of the Day.” Blinded for 5 days by client.
January 31, 1997 - Final day at Smith Advertising.
February 1, 1997 - Dies of complications arising from a hangnail.
February 15, 1997 - Resurrected
by credit union in order to make car payment.
March 1997 - Begins freelance career as writer/midget
wrangler.
April 23, 1997 - Ends freelance career by joining
Bernstein-Rein. Promptly makes it a Blockbuster night while enjoying a Happy Meal and a can of OlÕ Roy. (I'm still waiting for my royalty check, Bob.)
July 1997 - Along with AD
partner Dan Lutz, wins creative shoot-out to produce spot for Planet Hollywood.
Client immediately sucks out any real conceptual content. (True item)
November 12-17, 1997 - Spends week in L.A.
shooting Planet Hollywood spot. Has guest spot on “Buffy” as Cordelia’s
love interest. Gets eaten by demonic squirrel. At the wrap party.
November 19, 1997 - Planet
Hollywood discloses a $40 million loss for the quarter, prompting Arnold to
wax poetic: “Dis eez crap. I declare Tuesdays to be Ah-nold’s 2-for-1
Burger Night.” Spot is shelved.
December 1997 - Loses tens of dollars in failed
IPO for TheChristmasDreidel.com.
March 4, 1998 - Ignoring Kenny
Rodgers’ advice, counts money while sitting at the table.
June 1998 - Midget wrangling license revoked
after infamous Billy Barty vs. Paul Williams “Tussle in Tulsa” grudge
match when it is discovered that Paul Williams, technically speaking, has
bad hair.
September 18, 1998 - Celebrates birthday by
getting arrested for violating restraining order against stalking Laugh-In
comedian Ruth Buzzi.
June 2, 1999 - In a private
ceremony on Alcatraz Island, marries longtime sweetheart Kathie Lee Gifford.
June 3, 1999 - Realizes he has mistakenly
married Kathy Lee Crosby. Regis immediately undergoes sixth angioplasty. Cody
takes a bath.
August 1999 - May 2000 - Sleeps.
July 2000 - Wins out-of-court settlement from
the makers of Mentos for “failure to induce sufficient freshness.”
August 12, 2000 - Ignores
label warning “not for curly hair” and is fatally injured in freak
Flowbee accident while attempting to shave back. Nonetheless, wackiness ensues.
August 13 - 17, 2000 - Lies in state in the
food court of the Great Mall of the Great Plains. No fewer than sixteen people
ask corpse for directions to the Gap.
November 29, 2000 - Resurrected by combination of acupuncture, herbal teas and a “Wessonality” massage by Florence Henderson.
December 1, 2000 - Stuck with a shiv by a jealous Barry “Don't Call Me Greg Brady” Williams. Williams sentenced to 30 years of performing “Man of la Mancha” in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Jan fingers Marcia in death of Notorious B.I.G.
December 22, 2000 - Fails in attempt to get
Congress to pass resolution changing Christmas to Pagan Smackdown Day.
December 24, 2000 - Whilst playing pinochle
in the Capitol tundra, gets stuck with a shiv by a pantsless Ted Kennedy.
December 31, 2000 - Ends millennium shiv-free.
Resolves to spend more time “working it” and “shouting out
mad props” to his “peeps.”
January 14, 2001 - Discontinues
court-ordered psychotropic drugs. Rechristens self as Goodtime Shoehorn. The
Pope applauds this courageous move.
January 25, 2001 - Despite pleas from Sarah
Jessica Parker (“Do it for Ferris!”), turns down guest starring
role as a boy toy on HBO’s “Sex and the City,” feeling the
role hits too close to home.
February 11, 2001 - Fails to make room for
Jell-O™.
March 17, 2001 - Arrested
for alleged “lewd and lascivious conduct with a purple horseshoe.”
Bail posted by a heartbroken, yet dead, Doug Henning.
March 18, 2001 - Charges dropped due to lack
of caring.
March 24, 2001 - Testifies in the trial of
rapper, entertainer, impresario and all-around uber-jackass Sean “Puffy”
“Puff Daddy” ”P. Diddy” Combs. Proves an unreliable witness
for the prosecution by admitting to being “hypnotized by J-Lo’s
booty.” A grateful Puffy shows his appreciation by changing his name
to Gangsta Shoehorn.
April 2, 2001 - High eBay
bidder for Cody revealed to be Kelly Ripa, new co-host of “Live with
Regis and His Prostate.” Ripa later tenders an offer of $19.99 to Kathie
Lee in exchange for Frank. A shrewd and shrewish Kathie Lee holds out for
$24.95.
April 15, 2001 - Refuses to pay federal income
tax on grounds that “Dubya gots enough orl money already.” An unamused
IRS seizes Willie Nelson's pony tail just for spite. It is later auctioned
off to Kelly Ripa.
May 4, 2001 - After being hit in the head with a 48-pound economy-sized tub of Jif Peanut Butter (creamy) at a local Sam’s Club, mistakenly thinks it’s 1998 and proceeds to git jiggy wit it in the produce section.
May 23, 2001 - Becomes first heterosexual male to purchase a shirt at Banana Republic since 1986. A visibly shaken sales drone mutters, “What’s next? Urban Outfitters?”
June 3 - August 31, 2001 - Attempts to simulate a walking tour of Europe by walking a treadmill while watching DVDs of “The Sound of Music,” “Gigi,” “The Quiet Man” and “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”
October 31, 2001 - Severely
beaten at Halloween party when sensitive, post-9/11 revelers mistake “Charlton
Heston as Moses” costume as an homage to Taliban leader/game show mainstay
Charles Nelson Reilly.
November 15, 2001 - Questioned by Jackson
County Sheriffs Department in regards to several missing Tofurkey salesmen.
Investigation ends when deputies remember how much they were hoping “someone
would smite them soy-suckin’ hippies.”
November 29, 2001 - Suspected myocardial infarction diagnosed as leftover Thanksgiving giblet lodged in esophagus. HMO refuses to be amused, sues Regis.
December 18, 2001 - Prepares
for Pagan Smackdown Day (Christmas) by visiting Stonehenge and applying “some
really mean atomic wedgies” on a band of roving Druids.
December 19, 2001 - Discovers roving band
of Druids to actually be group of extremely lost followers of blah band Phish.
Reapplies atomic wedgies.
December 25, 2001 - Celebrates Pagan Smackdown Day by performing a rousing, Yuletide chorus of “Cat Scratch Fever” on hand bells. Upon hearing this rendition, Motor City Madman Ted Nugent gets weepy and kills Bambi’s mother.
December 26, 2001 - Finishes off Bambi’s mother leftovers.
December 27, 2001 - Picketed by PETA for “cruel and unusual treatment of cartoon characters.” Refuses to apologize to Ted Nugent.
December 31, 2001 - Ted Nugent reveals himself to be none other than Doug Henning. Ted Nugent promptly dies.
January 1 , 2002 - Spends day nursing a wicked venison hangover.
