Introduction

Cremation has been practiced for thousands of years, proving that the march of progress has done little to quench people's desires for setting other people on fire. We at Ren's Crematory and Bar-B-Q Pit hope this information will help you understand the many options available with cremation, and help you reach a decision regarding cremation that is right for you while still managing to upset your loved ones.

The reasons for choosing cremation vary. Some people - namely, cheap bastards - don't want the expense of a traditional ground burial. Others, known as sick bastards, hope that the stiff isn't quite dead and that cremation will not only finish the job, but will cause insufferable torture, as well. However, most people - whom we can hungry bastards - simply enjoy the tenderness and flavor that only a proper cremation can give.

How Cremation Works

Cremation is not, as some people believe, the practice of burning people up so that only ashes are left. The word cremation is actually a Latin derivative: “cre” meaning “slow” and “mation” meaning “roasted.” Great pains are taken before the body is ever placed in the fiery furnaces o' death. First, the body is washed in the finest tap water. Then, Ren himself applies a fine glaze of his secret herbs and spices. Finally, the body is placed in a special mesquite-flavored casket and placed in the oven (a hickory-flavored casket may be substituted at no extra charge).

The actual cremation is a seven hour process. Beginning with a slow simmer, the heat is raised gradually to avoid scorching. Constant turning of the specially designed Soul Skewer ensures even cooking. A quick, five-second blast at the end locks in the flavor and delectable juices.

How We Help

The staff of Ren's Crematory and Bar-B-Q Pit is dedicated to assisting you with every detail when making cremation arrangements. We'll help you choose between Original, Crispy Critters or our new Southern Style (complete with gravy). Through the use of a special, two-sided coin we can even help with the all-important mesquite vs. hickory decision.

Ren would also be more than happy to take your money now and let you prearrange your cremation plans. Prearrangement offers us the opportunity to get the cash up front and invest in high-yield tech stocks. Of course, making cremation arrangements - whether pre-planned or at-need - involves many choices (Stuffing? Mashed potatoes? Both?) It is our goal to help you make the right decisions for you and our wallet.

Cremation Services

Many people assume that cremation negates the need for a funeral service. These people are correct.

Regardless of what you decide, it is important to remember that all cremation services are for the benefit of the living. Nothing on God's green earth is as nutritious as a properly prepared human body. Cremation offers the chance to honor a departed loved one in a truly unique way that will hold special meaning for all present.

Happy eating!

The staff of Ren's Crematory & Bar-B-Q Pit

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