Who is Jason Fox?

Note: This bio was started back in 1997 before blogs – or even many personal web pages – existed. After two years in advertising, and then sans job, I created this timeline of my life as an example of my writing style and suspect creativity. Mainly to supplement my book, which was filled with work for retirement communities, discount funeral homes and Jiffy Lube. I’ve kept it up through the years so that, some day, my kids can look back and learn nothing whatsoever about their dad, other than that he was a bit touched in the head. I have not altered the jokes, such as they are, and most graphics are original so you can tell how the web evolved from over-dithered GIFs to sweet, sweet PNGs. Enjoy.

Clothed Came I
  • September 18, 1972

    Born. Kidnapped for three hours by stoned illusionist Doug Henning. Henning is later sentenced to permanently retain his Magician’s Mullet.

  • December 2, 1974

    Falls off chair and breaks leg. Amidst speculation of foul play, Doug Henning flees to Alberta and is last seen levitating a bong.

  • November 22, 1976

    Suspended from preschool for insisting on being addressed as “The King of Blaxploitation, Shaft Himself, Mr. Richard Roundtree.”

  • August 27, 1977

    Enters kindergarten at William Yates Elementary. Within hours, becomes addicted to paste; gets the shakes during nap time.

  • December 16, 1979

    Beats out Brad Pitt for starring role in “Merry Christmas, Mr. Snowman.” Brad plays a disgruntled elf.

  • March 2, 1983

    Beats out Brad Pitt for role as the preacher in “Tom Sawyer.” Brad plays a piece of driftwood floating down the Mississippi and is immediately accepted into Julliard.

  • June 17, 1987

    Wins Nobel Prize in Physics for work involving Berry Blue Kool-Aid and its use as a catalyst in cold fusion.

  • September 20, 1988

    Passes driver’s license test despite insistence on performing the non-required perpendicular parking maneuver.

  • May 30, 1990

    Graduates from Blue Springs High School; spends summer months pining for more knowledge.

  • September 3, 1990

    Enters Washington University in St. Louis; quickly tires of explaining to people that WU is not in Washington.

  • April 22, 1991

    Wins Nobel Prize in Chemistry for discovering “flubber.”

  • April 23, 1991

    Sued by Fred MacMurray who claims to be the original inventor of flubber.

  • April 24, 1991

    MacMurray drops lawsuit after realizing that he is, in fact, dead.

  • April 25, 1991

    Traumatized at being sued by one of the nation’s most-beloved dead people, gives up groundbreaking scientific research.

  • January 3, 1994

    Wins Pulitzer Prize for book titled “Just Say Cheese: the Herman Velveeta Story.”

  • May 20, 1994, 10 a.m.

    Graduates from Washington University chock full of $80,000 worth of knowledge.

  • May 20, 1994, 3 p.m.

    Begins postgraduate work at Burger King.

  • September 9, 1994 

    Along with his roommate, adopts a miniature potbelly pig named Elvis.

  • October 28, 1994

    “Halloween with the King” party turns ugly when Elvis the pig runs out of peanut slop and nanner sandwiches.

  • November 18, 1994 

    Elvis passes on before reaching his bloated, leisure-suit-wearing days.

  • December 4, 1994

    Elvis’ half-brother Oreo joins the household. He eventually eats: a. 3 boxes of Hershey bars b. A Dodge Aries c. A stereo speaker d. A wall e. Al Sharpton

  • January 2, 1995

    Goes to work at Smith Advertising.

  • January 3, 1995 

    Daily grind of advertising begins taking its toll; paste addiction resurfaces.

  • August 3, 1995

    Pens lyrics to the Jiffy Lube jingle “All Across America.” Blinded by God for three days as punishment.

  • January 16, 1996

    Smith Advertising receives Bronze Award at KC Omni Awards for a television spot; celebration culminates with the ceremonial placing of the award into a dresser drawer.

  • May 11, 1996

    Writes classic funeral services brochure “Cremains of the Day.” Blinded for 5 days by client.

  • January 31, 1997

    Final day at Smith Advertising.

  • February 1, 1997

    Dies of complications arising from a hangnail.

  • February 15, 1997

    Resurrected by credit union in order to make car payment.

  • March 12, 1997

    Begins freelance career as writer/midget wrangler.

  • April 23, 1997

    Ends freelance career by joining Bernstein-Rein. Promptly makes it a Blockbuster night while enjoying a Happy Meal and a can of Ol’ Roy. Awaits royalty check from Bob Bernstein to this day.

  • July 12, 1997

    Along with AD partner Dan Lutz, wins creative shoot-out to produce spot for Planet Hollywood. Client immediately sucks out any real conceptual content.

  • November 12-17, 1997

    Spends week in L.A. shooting Planet Hollywood spot. Has guest spot on “Buffy” as Cordelia’s love interest. Gets eaten by demonic squirrel at the wrap party.

  • November 19, 1997

    Planet Hollywood discloses a $40 million loss for the quarter, prompting Arnold to wax poetic: “Dis eez crap. I declare Tuesdays to be Ah-nold’s 2-for-1 Burger Night.” Spot is shelved.

  • December 6, 1997

    Loses tens of dollars in failed IPO for TheChristmasDreidel.com.

  • March 4, 1998

    Ignoring Kenny Rodgers’ advice, counts money while sitting at the table.

  • June 23, 1998

    Midget wrangling license revoked after infamous Billy Barty vs. Paul Williams “Tussle in Tulsa” grudge match when it is discovered that Paul Williams, technically speaking, has bad hair.

  • September 18, 1998

    Celebrates birthday by getting arrested for violating restraining order against stalking Laugh-In comedian Ruth Buzzi.

  • December 1, 1998

    Wins third Nobel Prize for paradigm-shifting work in adult-diaper absorbency.

  • June 2, 1999

    In a private ceremony on Alcatraz Island, marries longtime sweetheart Kathie Lee Gifford.

  • June 3, 1999

    Realizes he has mistakenly married Kathy Lee Crosby. Regis immediately undergoes sixth angioplasty. Cody takes a bath.

  • August 1999 – May 2000

    Sleeps.

  • July 18, 2000

    Wins out-of-court settlement from the makers of Mentos for “failure to induce sufficient freshness.”

  • August 12, 2000

    Ignores label warning “not for curly hair” and is fatally injured in freak Flowbee accident while attempting to shave back. Nonetheless, wackiness ensues.

  • August 13 – 17, 2000

    Lies in state in the food court of the Great Mall of the Great Plains. No fewer than sixteen people ask corpse for directions to the Gap.

  • November 29, 2000

    Resurrected by combination of acupuncture, herbal teas and a “Wessonality” massage by Florence Henderson.

  • December 1, 2000

    Stuck with a shiv by a jealous Barry “Don't Call Me Greg Brady” Williams. Williams sentenced to 30 years of performing “Man of la Mancha” in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Jan fingers Marcia in death of Notorious B.I.G.

  • December 22, 2000

    Fails in attempt to get Congress to pass resolution changing Christmas to Pagan Smackdown Day.

  • December 24, 2000

    Whilst playing pinochle in the Capitol tundra, gets stuck with a shiv by a pantsless Ted Kennedy.

  • December 31, 2000

    Ends millennium shiv-free. Resolves to spend more time “working it” and “shouting out mad props” to his “peeps.”

  • January 14, 2001

    Discontinues court-ordered psychotropic drugs. Rechristens self as Goodtime Shoehorn. The Pope applauds this courageous move.

  • January 25, 2001

    Despite pleas from Sarah Jessica Parker (“Do it for Ferris!”), turns down guest starring role as a boy toy on HBO’s “Sex and the City,” feeling the role hits too close to home.

  • February 11, 2001

    Fails to make room for Jell-O™.

  • March 17, 2001

    Arrested for alleged “lewd and lascivious conduct with a purple horseshoe.” Bail posted by a heartbroken, yet dead, Doug Henning.

  • March 18, 2001

    Charges dropped due to lack of caring.

  • March 24, 2001

    Testifies in the trial of rapper, entertainer, impresario and all-around uber-jackass Sean “Puffy” “Puff Daddy” ”P. Diddy” Combs. Proves an unreliable witness for the prosecution by admitting to being “hypnotized by J-Lo’s booty.” A grateful Puffy shows his appreciation by changing his name to Gangsta Shoehorn.

  • April 1, 2001

    Misses $100 question on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” by confusing Tom Bosley with David Doyle. Regis offers Cody as a consolation prize. Sells Cody on eBay for $23.42 plus $5.00 shipping (PayPal accepted). An angry Kathie Lee releases an album of protest songs that promptly hits number one in Botswana.

  • April 2, 2001

    High eBay bidder for Cody revealed to be Kelly Ripa, new co-host of “Live with Regis and His Prostate.” Ripa later tenders an offer of $19.99 to Kathie Lee in exchange for Frank. A shrewd and shrewish Kathie Lee holds out for $24.95.

  • April 15, 2001

    Refuses to pay federal income tax on grounds that “Dubya gots enough orl money already.” An unamused IRS seizes Willie Nelson's ponytail just for spite. It is later auctioned off to Kelly Ripa.

  • May 4, 2001

    After being hit in the head with a 48-pound economy-sized tub of Jif Peanut Butter (creamy) at a local Sam’s Club, mistakenly thinks it’s 1998 and proceeds to git jiggy wit it in the produce section.

  • May 23, 2001

    Becomes first heterosexual male to purchase a shirt at Banana Republic since 1986. A visibly shaken sales drone mutters, “What’s next? Urban Outfitters?”

  • June 3 – August 31, 2001

    Attempts to simulate a walking tour of Europe by walking a treadmill while watching DVDs of “The Sound of Music,” “Gigi,” “The Quiet Man” and “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

  • September 11, 2001

    Prays.

  • September 18, 2001

    Heeding President Dubya’s plea for a return to normalcy, celebrates 29th birthday with the usual case of A&W Diet Cream Soda and a trip to the emergency room for “removal of ferret-like rodent from nasal cavity.” HMO refuses to reimburse for the loss of six cans of A&W. Doug Henning remains dead.

  • October 31, 2001

    Severely beaten at Halloween party when sensitive, post-9/11 revelers mistake “Charlton Heston as Moses” costume as an homage to Taliban leader/game show mainstay Charles Nelson Reilly.

  • November 15, 2001

    Questioned by Jackson County Sheriffs Department in regards to several missing Tofurkey salesmen. Investigation ends when deputies remember how much they were hoping “someone would smite them soy-suckin’ hippies.”

  • November 29, 2001

    Suspected myocardial infarction diagnosed as leftover Thanksgiving giblet lodged in esophagus. HMO refuses to be amused, sues Regis.

  • December 18, 2001

    Prepares for Pagan Smackdown Day (Christmas) by visiting Stonehenge and applying “some really mean atomic wedgies” on a band of roving Druids.

  • December 19, 2001

    Discovers roving band of Druids to actually be group of extremely lost followers of blah band Phish. Reapplies atomic wedgies.

  • December 25, 2001

    Celebrates Pagan Smackdown Day by performing a rousing, Yuletide chorus of “Cat Scratch Fever” on hand bells. Upon hearing this rendition, Motor City Madman Ted Nugent gets weepy and kills Bambi’s mother.

  • December 26, 2001

    Finishes off Bambi’s mother leftovers.

  • December 27, 2001

    Picketed by PETA for “cruel and unusual treatment of cartoon characters.” Refuses to apologize to Ted Nugent.

  • December 31, 2001

    Ted Nugent reveals himself to be none other than Doug Henning. Ted Nugent promptly dies.

  • January 1, 2002

    Spends day nursing a wicked venison hangover.

  • January 14 , 2002

    Replacing Vince Neil, joins Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx and Mick Mars in the reformed and rechristened Mötley Shöehorn.

  • January 24, 2002

    Mötley Shöehorn makes first public appearance on “The View.” Performs first single “Red Hot Rock Mama (The Meredith Vieira Song)” to a standing ovation. Star Jones bites the head off Mick Mars.

  • January 25, 2002

    Amidst accusations of Bible reading, quits Mötley Shöehorn. Vince Neil remains fat.

  • February 14, 2002

    Successfully hides bitterness for 15th consecutive year.

  • February 23, 2002

    While visiting friends in LA, meets Jennifer Garner of ABC’s “Alias” while waiting in line for a coffee bean colonic. Promptly has the bejeepers beaten out of him by Garner.

  • February 27, 2002

    Assumes role of Hollywood bad boy/boy toy for an apologetic Garner when she dumps husband/actor Scott Foley because “he wasn't anything like his character on ‘Felicity.’”

  • March 3, 2002

    Wrestles auteur Steven Soderbergh in wet cement outside Mann‘s Chinese Theater meant for the handprints of Conrad “Mr. Drummond” Bain. Soderbergh films incident on a VHS-C camcorder, edits the footage on a 1984-era Timex Sinclair and releases the finished film titled “A Movie Without Brad Pitt” to rave reviews.

  • April 3, 2002

    Ignoring Oprah’s warnings to “don’t go there,” goes there.

  • April 12, 2002

    Having failed to do something really stupid for nigh on twelve hours, breaks off relationship with Jennifer Garner. Scott Foley promoted to Head Foamer at Santa Monica Starbucks.

  • May 2, 2002

    After six years of intense haranguing by various drive-thru lackeys, finally agrees to supersize it.

  • May 13, 2002

    Accidentally produces good advertising, appears in Adweek.

  • May 14, 2002

    Flush with advertising joy, declares himself King of the World. Marries Linda Hamilton. Sued by the Friar’s Club for being five years behind the curve on this joke.

  • May 15, 2002

    Marriage to Hamilton declared invalid when it is learned that she is not human but is, instead, James Cameron.

  • June 1 – July 31, 2002

    Centers chi.

  • August 2, 2002

    Proves that while Coke may be the “real thing,” 43-year-old Frank “Fun” Gusterson of Cleveland is, in fact, “it.” Kathie Lee marries Fun Gusterson at 8:30 that evening.

  • August 12, 2002

    Unable to resist the combined power of caramel and nougat, eats a Milky Way.

  • August 14, 2002

    Spends 14 hours outside in 104-degree heat in an effort to become the world’s first self-basting human.

  • August 23, 2002

    Snatches pebble from David Carradine’s hand; arrested for theft. Chi goes askew.

  • August 28, 2002

    Succumbs to Cub Scout den #202 while they attempt to earn their vigilante merit badges. Threats of “waxing off” fail to instill fear in boys born after 1984.

  • September 18, 2002

    Celebrates thirtieth birthday by regaling the youthful hipsters at the DQ with tales of Pong and the Betamax vs. VHS wars. Later, cuts loose “Cy Sperling style” with a case a Propecia. Finally arrested after charging into a Conoco on a Krispy Kreme-fueled rage demanding Slim Jims, Marlboros and “the stalest microwave burrito you Don Juan Bastardos got.”

  • September 19, 2002

    An emotionally drained Kofi Annan pleads with the U.N. Security Council to pass Resolution #4,529 pardoning “my dearest soulmate, Goodtime Shoehorn” for his birthday misdeeds. The resolution passes 4-0 with the French abstaining.

  • October 14, 2002

    Inspired by pseudo-punk popstress Avril Lavigne’s necktie fetish, attempts to popularize another male-oriented item of clothing with teen girls. The Bedazzled Jock Strap is an instant smash.

  • October 17, 2002

    Makes 32nd appearance on “Live with Kelly and Regis’s Prostate” to promote the Bedazzled Jock Strap, or BJS as it has come to be known. A confused Regis refers to the BJS as “Gifford.”

  • October 18, 2002

    BJS mania comes to a tragic conclusion after a riot in an Oskaloosa Wal-Mart results in the death of beloved “Rollback” pitch-icon Smiley. Kofi Annan weeps openly at a Manhattan Starbucks.

  • November 5, 2002

    Defeats Missouri Senator Carnahan in general election vowing to “rid America of the most vile threat to our peace, well being and way of life – Dr. Phil.”

  • November 28, 2002

    With wits dulled by tryptophan, goes against conventional wisdom by having cake and eating it, too.

  • December 9, 2002

    Gives up efforts to rename Christmas “Pagan Smackdown Day” in favor of renaming it “ChristinaAguileramas.” Confused pontiff John Paul declares the idea “bangin’.”

  • January 8, 2003

    Makes it through the first round of ABC’s “The Bachelorette” by impressing bachelorette Trista with amusing tales of bingo-hustling past along Florida’s Gray Mile.

  • January 20, 2003

    Gets medieval on Eurotrash model Fabio after discovering that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is, in fact, Ernest Borgnine.

  • February 2, 2003

    Makes international headlines by revealing that Punxsutawney Phil, the official groundhog of Groundhog Day, is actually a muskrat with a pituitary ailment.

  • February 12, 2003

    Denies U.N. weapons inspectors access to sofa cushion-clad Fortress of Dorkitude.

  • February 16, 2003

    U2 front man Bono’s attempts to mediate the U.N. - Shoehorn stand-off collapse when a tweakin’ Kofi Annan confuses U2’s classic anthem “Sunday Bloody Sunday” with football/blimp disaster movie “Black Sunday.”

  • February 27, 2003

    Abe Vigoda doesn’t die.

  • March 8, 2003

    Declares a jihad against gingivitis.

  • March 9, 2003

    Gives up jihad when after-breakfast flossing stretches into mid-afternoon, interrupting quality alone time with Judge Judy.

  • March 21, 2003

    Signs up to become an embedded reporter with the 101st Division of the Salvation Army.

  • March 23, 2003

    Chided by documentarian/beard enthusiast Michael Moore at Academy Awards for “running a fictitious website under a fictitious name with a fictitious bio.”

  • April 1, 2003

    Performs Aaron “The Mole” Neville’s “Don't Know Much” to a standing ovation at the Gladstone, Missouri, Kiwanis Club bi-weekly meeting and pancake breakfast.

  • April 11, 2003

    Gets engaged to sweetie and bona fide hottie Megan. Kathie Lee, Kelly Ripa, Meredith Vieira, Jennifer Garner and the Bachelorette chick all perform self-immolation in a touching ceremony captured on film by the cameras of “Access Hollywood.” Sadly, Pat O'Brien escapes unscathed.

  • April 18, 2003

    At a rumble between Bush supporters and anti-war peaceniks, is tasered by Janeane Garofalo after quipping, “You were really cute in those ‘Addams Family’ movies.”

  • April 27, 2003

    Helps Daddy with Shake ’n’ Bake.

  • May 5, 2003

    Finally knocks the battery from an aging, slower Robert Conrad’s shoulder.

  • May 10, 2003

    Holds press conference to confirm rumors that “American Idol” hopeful Clay Aikens is really the Scarecrow from “The Wizard of Oz.”

  • May 16, 2003

    Takes down Scotty Ngyuen and his gambling mullet in the World Poker Championship when Ngyuen mistakenly antes up with a game token from Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Parlor. ESPN12 sees ratings spike to four households.

  • May 18, 2003

    Becomes gruntled.

  • May 29, 2003

    While preparing to see “X2: X-Men United,” suffers gross bodily injury attempting to style hair into a Wolverine-esque do. Blames double gluteus pull on “the unholy holding power of Dep” and vows to exact revenge on “21 Jump Street” alum Peter DeLuise.

  • June 5, 2003

    Kicks the bucket and is forcibly removed from KFC.

  • June 12, 2003

    Celebrates mother’s birthday by purchasing Vanilla Ice’s famed “word to ya mutha” jacket from a near penniless Don Rickles.

  • June 13, 2003

    De-lices Vanilla Ice’s jacket.

  • June 31, 2003

    Remembers there is no June 31.

  • July 4, 2003

    Mistakenly bypasses Roman candles for the French variety. Spends evening lighting candles that shoot nothing while emitting an irritating whine.

  • July 22, 2003

    Suffers whiplash while snapping into a Slim Jim.

  • August 9, 2003

    Forgets password, losing access to ilovethewiggles.com.

  • August 23, 2003

    Bachelor party kicks off with a rousing rendition of the Doxology performed by groomsman Yanni. Later, napping ensues.

  • September 7, 2003

    Marries bona fide hottie Megan in a touching ceremony not involving a single monkey.

  • September 13, 2003

    Commences mooning the honey in Charleston, South Carolina. Local constabulary is not amused.

  • September 16, 2003

    Initiates the Second American Civil War by declaring Fort Sumter “domain of The Supreme Ruler: Shoehorn the First.”

  • September 17, 2003

    Surrenders Fort Sumter for a plate of fried green tomatoes.

  • October 3, 2003

    Shakes it like a Polaroid picture, invents the Official White Guy Dance of the Decade.

  • October 12, 2003

    Mistakenly celebrates Columbus Day in Cincinnati.

  • October 27, 2003

    Fails to pop-and-lock for the 11,354th consecutive day.

  • November 6, 2003

    Celebrates the 36th anniversary of “The Phil Donahue Show” by speaking in halting speech patterns. Assumed by all to be doing a really bad Christopher Walken impersonation.

  • November 14, 2003

    Mistakenly donates to Howard Dean’s presidential campaign due to a “profound-yet-manly love for Richard Dean ‘MacGyver’ Anderson.”

  • November 16, 2003

    Requests refund from Dean campaign; personally yelled at by Democratic also-ran and Mayor of Vermont Howard Dean.

  • November 30, 2003

    Realizes his milkshake is better than yours. Commences charging.

  • December 8, 2003

    Weeps upon reflecting that, as a Protestant, has never once even raised a voice in mild disgust.

  • December 13-14, 2003

    Holds first ever Borgnineapalooza featuring over 40 hours of Tivo’ed programming. Tivo explodes during third showing of “Convoy.” None of the three festival attendees is physically harmed.

  • December 26-30, 2003

    Celebrates Christmas with the in-laws in lovely Argyle, Iowa. Pie-based bloating ensues.

  • January 1, 2004

    Declares 2004 the Year of the Foxes. Promptly sued by Jodie Foster and Scott Baio who insist the Year of the Foxes was 1980.

  • January 4, 2004

    Sticks it to the Man.

  • January 5, 2004

    Arrested on suspicion of “sticking it with intent to jive.”

  • January 23, 2004

    Declares intent to name first child “Ficus.” Wife renews Ortho Tri-Cyclen prescription.

  • February 1, 2004

    Wins office Super Bowl pool. Visits disneyworld.com.

  • February 12, 2004

    Nearly strangles self in freak curl activator mishap.

  • February 14, 2004

    Makes bizarre “Barry White” mix CD for sweetie by mashing up Barry Manilow with the White Stripes.

  • February 24, 2004

    Launches write-in presidential campaign for value-based auto body painting magnate Earl Scheib.

  • February 25, 2004

    Eaten by bigfoot.

  • March 12, 2004

    Learns Earl Scheib is dead. Offers to paint an homage to Scheib for $99. The Scheib Family tearfully accepts.

  • March 14, 2004

    The "Earl Scheib Memorial Tribute Memorial" begins peeling.

  • April 1, 2004

    Gets fooled. Vows to not get fooled again. Promptly sued by Roger Daltry for copyright infringement of his hair.

  • April 15, 2004

    Attempts to pay income taxes with a few Barry Bonds rookie cards, a case of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and an autograph that looks "vaguely Hasselhoffian."

  • April 18, 2004

    Founds the Get Our Soldiers Out of IROCs League declaring, "None of our brave men and women should be forced to drive a primer-grey 1988 Camaro with t-tops."

  • April 21, 2004

    Replaces Karen Jurgensen as editor at "USA Today" promising "more colorful inks that are easier to transfer to Silly Putty." Circulation skyrockets in the hot 4- to 6-year-old demographic.

  • May 1, 2004

    Attempts to join the European Union with claims of being Supreme Ruler of Funkistan.

  • May 2, 2004

    EU accepts Funkistan acknowledging, "We need something to counterbalance those cursed mimes."

  • May 18, 2004

    Loses bare-knuckles brawl to Alan Greenspan, ensuring the aging economist another four-year term at the Fed. June 1, 2004 - Assumes role as Interim Prime Minister of Iraq amongst complaints of being "the pastiest Kurd we've every seen."

  • June 11, 2004

    Shocks the media with startling revelation that "insurgents" is just a watered-down word for "terrorists." Dan Rather denies culpability.

  • June 22, 2004

    After waiting in line for 10 days, becomes first person to purchase Bill Clinton's autobiography "Hustler." Said tome disintegrates moments later in a matter/antimatter-like reaction when it comes into contact with a copy of "The Purpose Driven Life."

  • June 28, 2004

    Hands over power of positive thinking to interim Iraqi government.

  • July 7, 2004

    Protests indictment of former Enron chief Ken Lay by eating 12 bags of Lay's B-B-Q style potato chips and a half a can of Ken-L-Ration Tender Chunks.

  • July 8, 2004

    Vomits profusely.

  • July 29, 2004

    Moments after John Kerry accepts the Democratic Party nomination, shocks the world by revealing that Kerry's three Vietnam purple hearts are, in fact, leftover chocolates from Valentine's Day 1973.

  • August 13, 2004

    Remains in the Olympic spirit despite missing the games due to a pulled groin (not his own) and weeps openly when Tommy Chong lights the Olympic flame.

  • August 15, 2004

    Wins office pool when astrophysicist Stephen Hawking reverses himself and claims that information can be retrieved from black holes. Socks, however, cannot.

  • August 22, 2004

    Swipes The Scream and The Madonna from Oslo's Edward Munch museum. Returns masterworks in exchange for Special Edition DVDs of Scream 3 and Body of Evidence.

  • September 1, 2004

    Drops allegations that Laker star Kobe Bryant is the mutated genetic mash-up of a Japanese steer and Bryant Gumble.

  • September 2, 2004

    Gets all Zell Miller on the behind-the-counter staff at a local Chuck E. Cheese's demanding that "Mr. Charles Edward Fromage quit destroying America's youth via germ-laden ball pits."

  • September 7, 2004

    Marks one year wedding anniversary by burning all six remaining copies of the J-Lo-tastic "The Wedding Planner." STARZ network shuts down due to lack of programming.

  • September 12, 2004

    Doug Henning remains stone cold.

  • September 22, 2004

    Confirmed as head of CIA vowing to get to the bottom of the whole "Sydney Bristow-Michael Vaughan shenanigans."

  • September 23, 2004

    Removed as head of CIA for overuse of the word "shenanigans."

  • September 24, 2004

    Hired by restaurant chain Bennigan's as Head of Shenanigans. Deep-fries self.

  • October 2, 2004

    Laughs in the face of death. Death vows to find a new moisturizing derma-cream.

  • October 4, 2004

    Pilots SpaceShipOnePointFive into low-altitude orbit of Rosie O'Donnell's ego. Wins Ansari X Consolation Prize of X-Files prop mucous and a case of Skittles.

  • October 21, 2004

    During cable access-televised debate with Walter Mondale, rankles the former presidential candidate/punching bag by repeatedly asking "How did it feel to be replaced by Jack Klugman for the TV version?"

  • October 30, 2004

    Tiring of keeping it real, decides to keep it in some Tupperware.

  • November 2, 2004

    Fails in write-in campaign to elect Kermit Thelonious "The" Frog president of the Rainbow Coalition. Promises investigation to discover just what in the hootenanny that Gonzo character is.

  • November 3, 2004

    Declared winner of Afghanistan presidential election after vowing to provide "cool dogs and blankets for all."

  • December 14, 2004

    At opening of France's 1,000-feet-high Millau Viaduct, is awarded ownership of said bridge when French officials cower at "Don't Mess with Texas" t-shirt.

  • December 17, 2004

    Convinces EU to admit that Turkey is a tasty meat. Sedated by tryptophan, EU sleeps for 12 days to no one's inconvenience.

  • December 26, 2004

    Prays again.

  • January 3, 2005

    Joins former Presidents George H. W. Bush and Bill W. T. Clinton in a pay-per-view deathmatch entitled Ring-Around-the-Rosy Bloodsport '99 VI.

  • January 9, 2005

    Loses election to become president of Palestinian Authority to Curtis "Booger" Armstrong. In celebration, nerds across the globe fire laser pointers into the air, hitting several JetBlue crop dusters, and are promptly arrested by the FAA, FBI and FFA.

  • January 10, 2005

    Narrowly escapes incrimination in "Rathergate" by distracting Les Moonves with Les Nessman-branded Moon Pies.

  • January 16, 2005

    Fails to win Golden Globe for Best Supporting Undergarment for 16th straight year.

  • February 1, 2005

    Unable to handle the simultaneous occurrence of the Kyoto Treaty taking effect and the NHL canceling the entire hockey season, watches pilot episode of 1985 TV series "Small Wonder" 723 times.

  • February 4, 2005

    Resigns from Bernstein-Rein Advertising citing "value-based exhaustion."

  • February 10, 2005

    In response to North Korea's claims that it possesses nuclear weapons, furrows brow.

  • February 15, 2005

    Sues restaurant chain Hooters for "failure to provide adequate owl-based fun."

  • February 16, 2005

    Jams.

  • February 28, 2005

    Begins working at Dallas advertising agency Firehouse. Sent home for a "suspender-related incident unbecoming a hack."

  • March 4, 2005

    Upon her release from prison, attacks Martha Stewart with a pinecone shiv.

  • March 9, 2005

    Fails to watch or even TiVo Dan Rather's final broadcast as anchor of "CBS Evening News."

  • March 17, 2005

    Testifies before Congress claiming to "have never, never, ever, never not been juiced up on the sweet liqueur of 'roids." Raphael Palmeiro bites the head off Sen. Nancy Pelosi.

  • March 22, 2005

    Toasts the most perfectly toasted piece of toast ever toasted.

  • March 24, 2005

    Gives the Perfect Toast to wife Megan for her birthday. Wackiness does not ensue.

  • April 9, 2005

    While attempting to purchase tickets for the London comeback tour of the Bay City Rollers, accidentally attends wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Lewis Bowles. Performs a wicked soft shoe with the Queen at the reception held at Lou's Fish 'n' Chips 'n' Back Alley Dentistry.

  • April 10, 2005

    Jets back to Augusta, Georgia, just in time to see Tiger Woods' hairline recede another inch.

  • April 19, 2005

    Spends day in repose attempting to figure out how John "Cliff Clavin" Ratzenberger ascended to become Pope Benedict XVI.

  • April 30, 2005

    Lures runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks out of hiding with a bag of Funyuns.

  • May 3, 2005

    Bastes self.

  • May 19, 2005

    Receives mild chuckles from passersby by exclaiming, "Those jalapeno nachos sure gave me the revenge of the Sith!"

  • May 31, 2005

    Ending years of speculation, breaks media silence to reveal that Deep Throat is, in fact, a creation of Disney Imagineers™. Richard Nixon posthumously reinstated as President.

  • June 1, 2005

    President Nixon signs legislation declaring Waffle House to be "officially tasty." President-in-Waiting Hillary Dennis Rodham Clinton throws her support behind roadside favorite Old Country Buffet.

  • June 2, 2005

    President Nixon relinquishes presidential duties in order to begin filming season 5 of "24."

  • June 13, 2005

    Once again fails to read "The Da Vinci Code."

  • June 20, 2005

    Crosses the aisle and sides with Senate Democrats to block the appointment of Michael Bolton as ambassador to the UN stating, "Even the New World Order doesn't deserve to be lite rocked."

  • June 27, 2005

    In celebration of the U.S. Supreme Court's decision that the Ten Commandments may be displayed in public forums, attempts to part the red sea of Donald Trump's hair.

  • July 2, 2005

    Rocks Live 8 hard with a stirring rendition of Young MC's "Bust-a-Move" featuring Alicia Keys. Bob Geldof transfers knighthood to the newly christened Sir Shoehorn of Jolly Times.

  • July 16, 2005

    Hops on board the "Harry Potter" gravy train with the release of "Muggles are People, Too." An inspirational DVD tour of mid-American truck stops and associated ladies of the night. Kids love it.

  • July 24, 2005

    Wins seventh consecutive Tour de Frank, a 50-yard dash/stroll between Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs and a deserted A&W in Okolnona, Kentucky. Immediately signs two-figure endorsement deal with Gatorade.

  • August 3, 2005

    One-ups South Korean scientists' claim of cloning a dog by producing sixteen mint BetaMax copies of "Leonard Part 6."

  • August 12, 2005

    Informed by a tenderly hostile Jack Palance that he does, indeed, need some fancy cologne to tell him he's a man, freaks out at idea of sentient perfume. Believe it or not.

  • August 19, 2005

    Welcomes home Pancake, the Cutest Dog Ever Created by the Lord™.

  • August 28, 2005

    Issues a moratorium on wackiness.

  • September 12, 2005

    Rescinds moratorium; replaces Michael "Charlie" Brown as head of FILA. Fired three minutes later for Inappropriate Punniness after vowing to "get the Big Easy back on its feet - with these sweet, LeBron high-tops."

  • September 14, 2005

    Buys Northwest and Delta Airlines for $257.33 and a six pack of Zima XXX.

  • October 3, 2005

    Withdraws nomination to U.S. Supreme Court upon learning that retiring justice Carroll O'Connor is neither a justice, a woman or alive.

  • October 28, 2005

    Goes into seclusion to ponder how Scooter from the Muppet Show ended up an indicted advisor to the Vice President.

  • November 17, 2005

    Wrassles Rep. John Murtha until Murtha agrees to stop doing commercials for Big Lots.

  • November 20, 2005

    Helps quell French riots by promising the disenfranchised youths their very own chain of Stuckey's Roadside Diners and Shellacked Hillbilly Art Stores.

  • November 21, 2005

    Realizing he has helped the French, flogs himself with a mime.

  • November 22, 2005

    After 25 years on the air, retires as Ted Koppel's hairpiece.

  • December 4, 2005

    Visits Kurdistan. Disappointed by lack of cheese-based fun.

  • December 8, 2005

    Wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and packs in 2005 three and a half weeks ahead of schedule, receiving over $5 million in bonus money from Haliburton for getting the job done early.

  • January 1, 2006

    Discovers that people born the year he graduated high school will be old enough to legally drive this year, gets shin implants to retain youthful appearance.

  • January 3, 2006

    Against the wishes of the U.N., resumes nuclear research in hopes of finding W's missing second U.

  • January 10, 2006

    Throws down with Andy Willoughby after releasing a two-step home business plan.

  • February 4, 2006

    Posts favorite "Bloom County" comic strip on blog, enraging Islamofascists worldwide for its portrayal of Bill the Cat as a "lackey of the Bush/Israel power axis" despite the fact that the strip originally ran in 1987. Protestors do concede that Opus the penguin is "blessed with the humor of an ugly virgin."

  • February 11, 2006

    Avoids getting eye poked out by veep "Dead-eye" Dick Cheney's Red Ryder BB Gun.

  • March 5, 2006

    To chants of "Doogie rocks!" infiltrates 78th Oscar Ceremony. Accidentally gets some of Jake Gyllenhaal's ego on his shoe. Gyllenhaal remains moody, yet doleful.

  • March 16, 2006

    After Hollywood runs out of movie stars, signs on to cast of "Oceans 13" as, according to director Steven Soderbergh, Matt Damon's "extremely fraternal twin brother."

  • March 21, 2006

    Celebrates the eternal promise of Spring by joining the cast of Disney's "High School Musical" as Creepy 16th-Year Senior the Chicks Can't Get Enough Of #2.

  • April 1, 2006

    Proving Aaron Neville to be a modern-day Nostradamus, becomes last person on earth to play the fool.

  • April 7, 2006

    Resigns from "The View" to take over as Head Idiot With a Banner outside the "Today Show" studio windows. Speculation runs rampant in Denny's nationwide as to whether banner will say "Happy birthday, snookums!" or "John 3:15 is also a good verse!"

  • April 17, 2006

    Though nowhere near London, somehow gets run over by a medicinally stoned George Michael.

  • April 18, 2006

    Acts as screaming surrogate of silent Scientologist Katie Joey-Pacey-Holmes-Cruise as she gives birth to Suri Cruise-Hubbard. Papa Tom jumps on Oprah.

  • May 1, 2006

    Takes day off. Spends 14 futile hours at On The Border attempting to determine which part of his empanadas is Tex and which part is Mex.

  • May 18, 2006

    Joins high schoolers in Beverly Hills on a field trip to see Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." According to Al, it's highly inconvenient that he's not president and that Goobers do not come individually wrapped. Students produce some hydrocarbons just for fun.

  • May 19, 2006

    Thanks to a prize in a long-lost box of Trix cereal from 1974, solves the Da Vinci Code, which says, "Drink more Ovaltine."

  • June 1, 2006

    Enters summer hibernation after ingesting 22 boxes of Ding Dongs, a quart of herbal tea and some random pill from the back of the medicine cabinet.

  • June 2, 2006

    Ends hibernation to ingest one more box of Ding Dongs.

  • June 17, 2006

    Fourteen months late, realizes that Mariah Carey and Mimi are the same person, fails to tie lineage back to Harry. Emancipation fails.

  • June 24, 2006

    PastyFro™ accidentally identified as Saturn's 57th moon.

  • July 4, 2006

    Test fires a Kim Jong Illin' II interstate ballistic missile at Joplin, Missouri, restaurant Sea of Japan in response to "insufficient krabbiness in the rangoon."

  • July 9, 2006

    Ignores 8th consecutive World Cup final, celebrates with a deep breath.

  • July 17, 2006

    In response to Oprah denying that she and best friend Gayle King are actually gay, admits to having an unnatural attraction to skorts.

  • July 22, 2006

    Tears MCL attempting to rox0rz some sox0rz whilst chatting on lagunabeach.com.

  • July 28, 2006

    Becomes 1,583rd Texan to spontaneously combust in 2006.

  • July 31, 2006

    Proving that patience is nearly always rewarded, finally becomes sexier than Mel Gibson.

  • August 14, 2006

    Plays a tiny violin when all 4.1 million copies of chick-lit tome "The Notebook" turn to ash when their Dell batteries spontaneously combust.

  • August 24, 2006

    Upon hearing of Pluto's demotion from "planet" to "dirt clod," begins petition drive to award ninth planet status to Dom DeLuise. "Cannonball Run IV - The Road to Active Retirement Living" begins filming the next day.

  • September 7, 2006

    A cloud hangs over third wedding anniversary upon learning that Blair from "The Facts of Life" will be stepping down as British Prime Minister due to "inability to contain the Tootie Menace."

  • September 11, 2006

    Releases five-year-long clenching of buttocks.

  • September 18, 2006

    Celebrates entering mid-30s; continues slow dancing with The Reaper.

  • September 29, 2006

    Makes public plea to Hollywood wunderkind J.J. Abrams to not let disgraced Florida Senator Mark "Maybe I'm Scott" Foley's scandal put the kibosh on a "Felicity" reunion. In response, the "Mission: Impossible 3" director eats some leftover Suri Cruise placenta he had in a ZipLoc™ freezer bag. Tom Cruise remains odd.

  • October 9, 2006

    Sells YooHooToob.com to Google for $1.65.

  • October 17, 2006

    Convinces the Immigration and Naturalization Service to grant citizenship status to "political refugee Pancake J. Wonderdogski," thus making said Wonderdogski the 300 millionth United States citizen. Balloons ensue.

  • October 26, 2006

    Fails in bid to convince Dubya that a border fence would look best with a mahogany stain.

  • November 7, 2006

    Sighs. Repeatedly.

  • November 15, 2006

    After hearing Speaker-in-Waiting Nancy "The Joker" Pelosi utter the word "bipartisan" for the 7,983rd time in a week (according to LexisNexis), hires Mandy Patinkin to explain what "bipartisan" means to her.

  • November 18, 2006

    Commences 72-hour whirlwind tour of finding all 6,500 purchasers of K-Fed's "Playing with Fire" CD and beating them with a summer sausage. The fact that it is now mid-autumn increases the irony.

  • November 20, 2006

    As heir to the family media throne, finally uses power for good in getting Fox chairmen Rupert Murdoch to put the kibosh on O.J. Simpson's book "If I Did It." Instead, ReaganBooks publishes revelatory memoir "I Was a Teen-Aged Shoehorn." The book goes on to the crack the top 50,000 on Amazon.com.

  • December 6, 2006

    Accuses NFL legend and certified dance machine Emmitt Smith of "stealing sweet moves and assorted arm bands."

  • December 14, 2006

    Banned for life from Target stores after wishing a cashier "Merry Christmas, you godless heathen."

  • December 16, 2006

    Lifetime ban at Target lifted upon proving that the cashier was, in fact, an animist. Or possibly Joy Behar.

  • December 30, 2006

    Resists powerful urge to write sitcom entitled "Hangin' with Mr. Hussein."

  • December 31, 2006

    Sells "Hangin' with Mr. Hussein" concept to the CW.

  • January 4, 2007

    Catches "Pelosi Fever." And not in a good way. Walgreens pharmacists unable to provide appropriate balm. Self-taxation ensues.

  • January 9, 2007

    Attempt to set world record for consecutive hours spent ThighMastering goes horribly awry when over-heated ThighMaster sets Suzanne Sommers’ house ablaze. Record remains safely in the hands of master ThighMaster Karl Rove.

  • January 12, 2007

    Seeking cool nicknames like ”Posh & Becks,” ”Brangelina” and ”Catherine Zeta-Jones & Geezerboy,” renames self and wife ”The Scarecrow & Mrs. King.” Upon hearing the news, a feisty Kate Jackson assaults the couple with a faux karate chop and a dried-up bottle of Aquanet™. Bruce Boxleitner replays ”Babylon 5” season 3 on his iPod.

  • January 24, 2007

    Proposes a non-binding resolution to prohibit non-binding resolutions. A generation raised on Alanis Morrissette's ”Ironic” video fails to see the irony. Which is itself ironic. This irony also goes unnoticed. Etc.

  • January 27, 2007

    Delivers State of the Onion address to pimply faced acolytes at the Fayetteville, Arkansas Chili's. Speech is cut short when a roving gang of Outback Steakhouse line cooks hurl flaming Bloomin’ Onions® through the front door, igniting the hostess’s bouffant hair. Volunteer fire brigade extinguishes ensuing wackiness.

  • February 2, 2007

    In response to the always-to-be-trusted-without-question-don't-look-at-the-money-trail-what-are-you-insinuating United Nations' edict that men, women, children and a cross-dressing albino named Chet are responsible for global warming, roasts Puxatawney Phil over an open pit. Diddy changes his name to "Puxy P."

  • February 8, 2007

    Accidentally dominates the San Antonio auditions for "American Idolatry" with a polkafied rendition of "When I'm Sixty-four." Ticket to Hollywood revoked when it is discovered that song is really a cry for help. And donuts.

  • February 10, 2007

    Sues cranky Brit Simon Cowell claiming "emotional distress resulting from exposure to Cowell's bro-less torso."

  • February 11, 2007

    Suit tossed due to inability to distinguish between Ryan Seacrest, Billy Bush and the Bush's Baked Beans guy.

  • February 15, 2007

    Adds the U.S. Mint's new George Washington one-dollar coin to vast collection of useless, and mostly Canadian, currency.

  • February 28, 2007

    Preemptively leaps to the year 2245, sees shadow, returns.

  • March 6, 2007

    Weeps bitter, salty (with a twist of lime) tears upon learning of the conviction of Libby's Vienna Sausages in the Victoria "I thought covert and overt meant the same thing" Plame CIA-leak trial.

  • March 12, 2007

    Fails to impress mall "security" by attacking mannequins at Forever 21 while declaring "this is Sparta!"

  • March 15, 2007

    At a grand ceremony in the snack aisle of the neighborhood Sinclair gas station (between the Ho-Ho's and Toblerone), tearfully announces that current U.S. Attorney General "Fat" Alberto Gonzales has succeeded former AG Janet Reno as "most wienerific." Celebratory Icees ensue.

  • March 17, 2007

    Two-day brain freeze thaws in time to ward off organ-harvesting leprechauns.

  • April 1, 2007

    Helps parents celebrate 40th wedding anniversary with a 40-year-old carton of Marlboro Ultra Lights. Parents regret having stayed together for the sake of children.

  • April 6, 2007

    Upon learning of U.N.'s report on global warming, implores the people of the world to "be more like George Hamilton and embrace the leatherification process of good ol' Sol."

  • April 12, 2007

    Fails to pay attention to the Don Imus thing.

  • April 18, 2007

    In response to the Atomic Energy Commission's confirmation that Iran is enriching uranium declares, "Duh."

  • April 23, 2007

    After Boris Yeltsin dies, releases moose and squirrel back into the wild.

  • April 27, 2007

    Convinces authorities at Guantanamo Bay to stop water-boarding terrorists and instead give them ponyhawks.

  • April 28, 2007

    Clubbed like a baby seal by Amnesty International members.

  • May 2, 2007

    Rocks a polkarific version of Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name" to an adoring "Family Room Idol" crowd.

  • May 7, 2007

    Reveals self to be Dannielynn Smith Birkhead Stern's "second cousin twice removed by way of Zsa Zsa's husband, the prince, assuming some of the rumors pan out."

  • May 12, 2007

    Refuses to watch the finale of "7th Heaven" fearing inability to follow plot line after not seeing the first through sixth heavens. In response, Jessica Biel touts Ed Norton as being "creepy hot."

  • May 15, 2007

    Claiming their names and hair are too similar for an easily confused public to accept, convinces Denise Richards and Richie Sambora to give up custody of Richard Simmons.

  • May 21, 2007

    Presents merchandising opportunity to "Transformers" director Michael Bay, who physically wretches at the idea of "Sub-Optimus Prime Loans." U.N. observers consider this inadequate payback for the crime against Gaia that is "Pearl Harbor."

  • May 23, 2007

    Opens major motion picture event "Pirates of the Allegheny: The Search for Bill Mazeroski." Hundreds of film critics salute the film with up-lifted digits, very few of which are thumbs.

  • June 7, 2007

    Photographs Eurohippies at the G8 summit with a Canon G7 connected to an aging Powerbook G4 using an even more ancient puck mouse from an original G3 iMac. Sadly, does not fly home on a Gulfstream G2.

  • June 8, 2007

    Continues watching Tinkerbell the Chihuahua while her owner gets some much-needed alone time.

  • June 15, 2007

    In honor of Bob Barker's retirement from "The Price is Right," has Alex Trebek spayed or neutered.

  • June 28, 2007

    Despite years of incoherent mumbling, gets labeled as one of the "loud folk" by Senator Lindsey Wagner Graham. Nonetheless, Senator Grahamnesty's "Borders Without Borders" legislation dies from the stench of Ted Kennedy's rotting moral fiber.

  • July 7, 2007

    Rejecting the call of Algore and Live Earth to become carbon neutral, instead joins a militant anti-argon conclave.

  • July 10, 2007

    Lets it roll. Down the highway.

  • July 14, 2007

    Skips the wedding of Rebecca "Not the Lettuce" Romijn and Jerry O'Connell for fear of "offending the mighty, mighty hair of The Stamos." Instead, sends the couple a DVD of "Stand By Me 2: The Leeching." Their thank-you card gets lost in the mail.

  • July 21, 2007

    Tribute/exploitation novel "Harold Terracotta and the Deadly Mallomars" sells 8.3 copies.

  • July 31, 2007

    Outbids Geritol-enhanced mogul Rupert Murdoch for control of the Davey Jones Stock Market and Pudding Emporium. Deal falls apart upon missing the last train to Clarksville.

  • August 8, 2007

    Openly weeps at the dissolution of the marriage between Senator Larry "Toe Tappin'" Craig and diet guru Jenny. Stress-eats a case of I Can't Believe It's Not Fabio.

  • August 14, 2007

    Does not bet on, watch or think about an NBA game for the 419th consecutive month.

  • August 29, 2007

    Eschews watching the season two premiere of "Scott Baio is 45...and Single" to watch "Willie Aames is 47...and Still Goes by Willie" at ZappedTheMovie.com.

  • September 10, 2007

    Sees 16 years of covert, high-level talks with Gayle King and Biff Henderson pay off as Oprah pulls David Letterman's finger.

  • September 18, 2007

    Painfully enters a new demographic. Starts paying attention to Flomax ads. Refuses to viva Viagra.

  • September 27, 2007

    Fails. To. Win role. Of Captain. James. Tiberius. Kirk in. J.J. Abrams. Reboot of. The. Star. Trek. Movie fran. Chise. Khaaaaaannnnn!

  • October 5, 2007

    Upon hearing track-star-slash-recreational-roid-enthusiast Marion Jones admit to using performance-enhancing drugs, makes 3,093rd "juice is loose" joke since June 12, 1994. Starburst officials remain unamused, yet chewy.

  • October 12, 2007

    Challenges fellow Nobel laureate Algore to explain why, if global warming exists, do pants sales remain high? In response, Gore sprouts a fourth chin.

  • October 28, 2007

    Attends a Jonas Brothers/Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana/Black Sabbath concert for "research."

  • October 29, 2007

    Suffers from a wicked Capri Sun hangover.

  • November 4, 2007

    Beats the writers' strike deadline and completes short-awaited "Gomer Pyle vs. Predator" screenplay.

  • November 5, 2007

    Goes on strike against employer. State of self-employment causes brainfreeze.

  • November 9, 2007

    Brain thaws. No one notices.

  • November 19, 2007

    Does not become America's Next Top Model. Immediately applies for America's Next Yo-Yo Model.

  • December 2, 2007

    Uses lankiness to surprising advantage in dominating the season finale of "Armenian Gladiators." A Mark Goodson Television Production.

  • December 17, 2007

    Flashes back to 1983 and kills Buckwheat.

  • December 19, 2007

    Dedicates self to finally learning the correct pronunciation of "Shia LaBeouf."

  • January 5, 2008

    Ends attempt to correctly pronounce "Shia LaBeouf" and instead settles on "Chia Lebowitz."

  • January 11, 2008

    Applies Head-On headache balm to left buttock.

  • January 20, 2008

    Watches history unfold as the United States swears in its first Opraholic president.

  • January 26, 2008

    Grows up.

  • January 27, 2008

    Trademarks the term Poosplosion™.

  • February 5, 2008

    Celebrates "Super Tuesday" by supersizing his love for Super Dave Osborne. And napping.

  • February 12, 2008

    Marks the end of the writers' strike by not selling a screenplay.

  • February 19, 2008

    Resigns as president of Cuba Gooding Jr.; brother Raul declines to take over duties citing "more oppressive opportunities in the Caribbean; plus, that whole 'Boat Trip' thing."

  • February 29, 2008

    Leaps before looking.

  • March 4, 2008

    Finally accepting the fact that, due to Constitutional issues, a Disney-imagineered Reagan cannot run, endorses McBain for president.

  • March 16, 2008

    Purchases teetering securities firm Bear Stearns for $39.99 in cash, a "Wall Street" DVD, sixteen VGC Garbage Pail Kids cards from 1983 and a hamster named Mr. Poofles.

  • March 17, 2008

    Names Mr. Poofles as CEO of Bear Stearns. In response, world markets issue a collective "meh."

  • April 2, 2008

    Upon hearing that New Kids on the Block are reuniting for a Minoxidil-sponsored tour, sues NKOTB for "being neither new, kids, nor - last time I looked out the window - on the block."

  • April 7, 2008

    On a crisp, clear day some might describe as "fair," celebrates the Kansas Jayhawks' victory in something called the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship.

  • April 20, 2008

    Inoculates self against Danica Fever by wearing Wranglers, chugging some Amp energy drink and getting "Little E for President" tattooed in the "buttockular regions."

  • April 28, 2008

    Shoots controversial spread for "Vanity Fair" featuring a semi-mulletted Billy Ray Cyrus and a passel of underage lemurs.

  • May 2, 2008

    Begins career comeback in "Iron Man" as Head Goatee Primper in Charge of Shininess and Bounce for Mr. Robert Downey, Jr.

  • May 3, 2008

    After Microsoft withdraws its bid, mistakenly buys Yahoo to gain "the dark secrets of their chocolaty elixir of the gods."

  • May 4, 2008

    After Googling Yahoo and discovering it does not make Yoohoo, sells company to Rupert Murdoch because he'll buy anything.

  • May 12, 2008

    Hires Brangelina to babysit. The Pitt-Jolies promptly snag $14 million for photos of their so-called natural children. Refuses to pay them their promised $13/hour.

  • May 22, 2008

    Drops it like it's hot. Picks it up when it cools. Emails joke back to 2004.

  • May 30, 2008

    Builds the bridge to nowhere. Made a god by residents of Nowhere.

  • June 9, 2008

    Wonders why the media basically ignores the devastating Midwest floods. Move along to the next entry if you want a joke.

  • June 26, 2008

    Celebrates five months of double fatherhood with a double nap. Two full minutes of blissful, blissful semi-sleep.

  • June 27, 2008

    Retires from day-to-day work at Microsoft to spend more time counting the billions and billions of bugs in Vista.

  • July 3, 2008

    Sells remaining collection of Herve Villechaize figurines to buy gasoline. Ironically, can only afford half a tank. Rimshots and pleas to try the veal ensue.

  • July 18, 2008

    Forcibly removed from screening of "The Dark Knight" after repeatedly and loudly asking, "When did George Clooney and Maggie Gyllencruise get hitched?"

  • July 22, 2008

    Refuses to buy iPhone 3G insisting that the iPhone 4G will allow time travel, dimensional shifting and unfettered access to MileyCyrus.com.

  • August 1, 2008

    Gets all up in his own grill and makes some darned tasty burgers.

  • August 17, 2008

    Breaks Michael Phelps's minutes-old record by winning 9 gold medals in a single Olympics. Sadly, the IOC, ESPN and The Costas refuse to recognize the "The First Quadrennial Olympiad of Pastiness, its chosen venue of Applebee's or the 'sport' of Flair Baiting."

  • September 1, 2008

    Receives NEA grant to sculpt "The Obamanible Snowman" from recycled lotto tickets, Chiclet wrappers and some sticky stuff found on the corner in front of that one house down the street. No, the one next to that one.

  • September 7, 2008

    Celebrates five years of holy matrimony by changing five diapers full of wedded bliss by-products.

  • September 10, 2008

    Implicated in scandal-ridden report on the Department of the Interior as being responsible for "the scourge of popcorn ceilings and laminate flooring."

  • September 28, 2008

    Realizes Fannie Mae is not a candy maker. Qualifies for $40 million in bailout funds to salvage nougat-powered alpaca ranch.

  • September 30, 2008

    Forced to return $39,999,920 of bailout money due to "inappropriate bedazzling of alpacas, gnus and other possibly mythical creatures."

  • October 2, 2008

    Proves to a slack-jawed-yet-stylishly-coiffed Geraldo Rivera that Joe Biden is - like Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber, Joe Schmoe and Joe Camel - a guy named Joe.

  • October 14, 2008

    Publishes "The Audacity of Rope: A Guide to the Knots That Shaped American History."

  • October 15, 2008

    Weeps for 18 hours upon hearing of the dissolution of Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s Kabbalacular marriage and the apparent abandonment of "Swept Away 2: The Dyson Conspiracy."

  • October 19, 2008

    Gets subpoenaed to appear before a Congressional oversight committee investigating the overuse subpoenas by Congressional oversight committees in lieu of actually voting on stuff. Excused from appearing when all eight committee members get subpoenaed to appear on "Hardball."

  • October 31, 2008

    Goes trick-or-treating as a sound bite. Gets picked up by the AP.

  • November 4, 2008

    Confusing the definitions of "historic" and "historical," casts votes for James K. Polk and to repeal the medicinal leech ban in Collin County.

  • November 5, 2008

    Discovers car engines need some sort of conversion before they will run on hope. Then remembers he works from home.

  • November 18, 2008

    Introduces world to alter ego "Shoehorn Fierce." Drops hot track "Shingle Ladies (Put an Ointment On It)" to a rave review.

  • November 26, 2008

    Making sure his portfolio will still be worth a hill of beans, pulls all money out of the stock market and buys a largish mound of pinto beans outside of Waxahachie, Texas, that has averaged an 8.8% gain over 22 years.

  • November 28, 2008

    Relieved to discover Black Friday has nothing to do with "Black Sunday." Nonetheless, vows to avoid blimps for 72 hours.

  • December 1, 2008

    After 17 years of research, reveals that a woodchuck can chuck 23.7 chucks an hour if said woodchuck is actually Chuck Norris.

  • December 11, 2008

    Wonders how Bernie Madoff could’ve fooled so many people into participating in a Potsie scheme. Immediately begins development of a more powerful Ralph the Mouth investment opportunity.

  • December 14, 2008

    In an effort to raise money for the Feed My Kids (Specifically, Gideon and Charlotte Fox) Foundation, wrestles soon-to-be-indicted Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s hair. Loses two falls out of three, but remains a hero to Dapper Dan men everywhere.

  • December 16, 2008

    To save money, goes ahead and calls it a year.

  • January 14, 2009

    Takes over day-to-day operations of Apple from Steve Jobs as Jobs seeks treatment for a "mildly annoying bout of turtleneck addiction and possibly consumption."

  • January 16, 2009

    Inspired by the likes of Captain Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger and other guys with cool, quote-encapsulated nicknames, successfully pilots a U.S. penny to a water landing in a fountain down at the local Olive Garden. Unlimited breadsticks ensue.

  • January 26, 2009

    Celebrates one year of double fatherhood with a double shot of Desitin. Emerges victorious over chafing for the first time in 36 years.

  • February 1, 2009

    Decides to "do the double" and fails to win both the Australian Open and Super Bowl in the same day.

  • February 6, 2009

    Preemptively withdraws name from consideration for any cabinet post for any administration ever and quit paying income taxes. Willie Nelson sends a congratulatory, biofuel-powered hookah.

  • February 9, 2009

    Confuses local Walgreen's pharmacist by asking which type of Preparation H works best on "A-Roids." Eventually chooses honey-lemon.

  • February 22, 2009

    Spends sleepless night bathed in canned flop sweat attempting to figure out what Wolverine was doing singing and dancing like a jacked-up wallaby at the Oscars.

  • March 2, 2009

    After reporting a $61.70 loss, seeks government bailout funds in the form of three Mega Millions tickets and a package of barbecue pork rinds.

  • March 6, 2009

    Unemployment rate remains at 100%.

  • March 9, 2009

    Relieved to discover bona fide hottie wife does not have a tapeworm but is, instead, pregnant with pauses. And a baby.

  • March 15, 2009

    Causes riot while in line for "America's Next Top Model Airplane Builder."

  • April 3, 2009

    Decides to "break off a piece" and spends three days on set of "Nipsey Russell/Tucker Carlson" trying to get said piece reattached.

  • April 6, 2009

    Wins record-setting 19th consecutive NCAA Championship in men's jacks, making it all the way to six hundred forty threesies.

  • April 12, 2009

    Nips it in the bud. Promptly sued by David Faustino and a marijuana plant.

  • April 26, 2009

    Refusing to be intimidated by any disease that can be slow-smoked over a hickory pit, Hosts First Annual Swine Flu Barbecue and Croup Chili Cook-Off.

  • April 29, 2009

    Doing what President Obahamas cannot, ends Somali pirate threat by calling the Business Software Alliance at 1.800.NOPIRACY.

  • May 7, 2009

    Stress test performed courtesy of Treasury Secretary Tim "Silent But Deadly" Geithner reveals need for a Deepak ChOprah meditation CD and some alone time with a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

  • May 20, 2009

    Announces discovery of fossilized proto-human "Ore" as the 23,563rd official "missing link" and brother to "Ida" whom scientists had unveiled the day before. Slope-headed lovers of crinkly fries ugh their enthusiasm.

  • May 29, 2009

    After accidentally tuning into the not-really last broadcast of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" is heard muttering, "When did Doc Severinsen get a hold of some 'Soul Man' pills?"

  • June 8, 2009

    Wanders into North Korean grocery store and buys some Kim Jong Il Super Secret Flat Noodles of Our Glorious Leader. Sentenced to 12 years gastrointestinal discomfort.

  • June 12, 2009

    Continuing a months-long tradition of sticking it to The Man, refuses to transition to digital TV. Spends evening watching puppets recreate the episode of "Happy Days" where Fonzie water skis.

  • June 13, 2009

    Ends Man-sticking charade and orders Ultimate Mega Bungle Bundle from AT&TimeWarcast for just $299.99/month plus $19.99/month for HD plus $9.99/month for 1080HD plus $4.99/month bill translation service. Commences Bit Torrenting the complete works of one H.R. Pufnstuf.

  • June 19, 2009

    Gets high on life. Discovers "life" is actually a new synthetic form of rock marijuana that is also known as "Hard Mary," "Pop Rocks" and "Arnold Drummond."

  • June 26, 2009

    Following the death of beloved monkey enthusiast Michael Jackson, declares self to be Pastiest Man in the World Except For That One Guy on YouTube Who's Super Creepy. No one challenges this statement.

  • July 4, 2009

    Though only watching the Wimbledon final on TV some 4,800 miles (220,000 km) away, suffers crushed larynx at the vestigial hands of Serena Williams's left thigh.

  • July 9-31, 2009

    Goes on walkabout at a North Dallas DSW.

  • August 6, 2009

    In honor of the departed John Hughes, goes and fixes himself a turkey potpie.

  • August 8, 2009

    Openly weeps at the swearing in of Sonia Sotomayor McCheese as the nation's first Cheeseburger-American Supreme Court justice.

  • August 18, 2009

    Officially becomes 2,538th in line to succeed Paula Abdul in the role of Incoherent Judge on "America's Next Top Idol Who Can't Think or Dance."

  • August 25, 2009

    Upon hearing the White House Office of Management and Budget's estimate that the 10-year budget deficit will be $9 trillion, sells soul to J.G. Wentworth for 9 trillion pesos.

  • September 13, 2009

    Pulls a "Kanye" at the UHF Channel 62 Video Technicians Awards ceremony by stealing the mic from emcee Alan Thicke and declaring, "Mort Tricklish is the best CRT gun aligner of all time." Thicke responds by adjusting the vertical hold on his toupee.

  • September 15, 2009

    Finds a random baby at the mall and puts it in a corner. Adjusts nickname to Dalton Shoehorn. Refuses, however, to star in a web "movie" with Brian Bonsall.

  • October 1, 2009

    Finally exits "America's 10 Creepiest White Guys" list to make room for David Letterman.

  • October 9, 2009

    Wins fourth Nobel Prize, but first in the field of Potentially Doing Something at an Undetermined Future Date But That Will Undoubtedly Rock Hard Although Not Necessarily in a Good Way.

  • October 15, 2009

    Uncovers evidence that the 30,000 jobs claimed to have been saved by the President's stimulus package are all some sort of White House policy czar including Animal Cracker Czar; Twitter Retweeting Czar; and Czar to the Stars, aka Hugo Chavez.

  • October 29, 2009

    Always on the bleeding edge of pandemics, opts to get vaccinated against equine flu. Starts hanging out with John Elway.

  • November 13, 2009

    After a NASA probe discovers 26 gallons of water on the moon, sells 2,488 liters of "Dasani Lunar Lava with Hints of Lavender" to gullible members of the Plano (TX) Crystal Bouffant Society.

  • November 20, 2009

    After 25 years, finally emerges victorious in the War on Oprah. Vows to continue fighting to keep daytime free of "all things Rosie."

  • November 27, 2009

    Attempts to jog off the previous evening's turducken bomb interrupted by a careening Cadillac Escalade piloted by a shaken, glassy-eyed Tom Watson who insists he is being chased by Jack Nicklaus's titanium hip. Placates the former Master's champ with a slightly moist "Augusta Green" headband.

  • December 7, 2009

    Releases a scathing report tangentially proving that the famed IPCC "hockey stick" chart proving accelerated rises in global temperatures was really just a poorly scribbled schematic for "the world's gnarliest quarter-pipe, dude." Al Gore eats a baby seal.

  • December 24, 2009

    After ingesting two tubs of Muscle Milk, fourteen boxes of Little Debbie Star Crunches and six gallons of high fructose corn syrup, declares self a sovereign island free from the jurisdiction of Obamacare. Minutes later, changes designation from "island" to "oral volcano."

  • December 25, 2009

    Celebrates another Charlie Sheen-free Christmas by tossing semi-holy water onto a stack of "Two and a Half Men" DVDs and cozying up around the ensuing fire. The Aspen city jail is not so blessed.

  • January 3, 2010

    Learns the only way to win at Chatroulette is to not play Chatroulette. Adjusts nickname to Goodtime WOPR.

  • January 16, 2010

    Enjoys a solar eclipse with some cinnamon Eclipse gum whilst cruising in a 1990 Mitsubishi Eclipse GSX and rocking out to "A Total Eclipse of the Heart" on an Eclipse car stereo.

  • January 24, 2010

    Mourns the death of Pernell "Trapper John, Jr." Roberts. Goes on a Pert & Purell cocktail bender with Hugh Laurie.

  • February 9, 2010

    Picks Team Coco over Team Leno based on the former's "ability to create tasty - yet mouth-lacerating - breakfast cereals."

  • February 12, 2010

    Celebrates the opening of the 21st Winter Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia, by partying with one Ewan Valequez. Think about it.

  • March 7, 2010

    At the 82nd Academy Awards, protests Bruce Villanche's continued presence as head writer by consuming fourscore and two Oscar Meyer wieners. Later, misses Kathryn Bigelow's acceptance speech due to a medical condition known as Brandobloat.

  • March 10, 2010

    Invites Ed Herrmann in.

  • March 30, 2010

    Passes Brimleycare, excluding self from Obamacare and providing for an "unlimited supply of Quaker Oats and diabeetus supplies as long as those Parker boys keep printin' up Monopoly money. Woot!"

  • April 11, 2010

    Mistakenly awarded novelty check and green jacket instead of rightful Master's champion Phil Mickelson by Augusta National chairman William "Billy" "Billmont" "Billford" Payne because "all lefties look alike."

  • April 23, 2010

    Moves to Arizona, builds a condo made of stone-a.

  • May 13, 2010

    Loses out to actor/marine geologist Kevin Costner in finale of "America's Next Top Mad Scientist with Awesome Hair" by suggesting BP oil leak can be plugged with 99% shearings from Carrot Top and 1% Gallagher.

  • May 22, 2010

    Confuses "al fresco" for "au naturel" and is escorted from Denny's after ordering a "Moons Over My Moon, if ya know what I mean."

  • May 30, 2010

    Gleeks out. Heads directly to the Mayo Clinic. Transfers to Miracle Whip Institute for HMO-related reasons.

  • June 11, 2010

    Attempting to ride the vuvuzela craze, creates iPhone app iBugles. Failing to adequately capture excitement of America's 48th-most popular corn chip, is sentenced by Steve Jobs to wear only mock turtlenecks.

  • June 16, 2010

    Stuns E3 Expo crowd with stunningly realistic Fractalized™ Fro. Slobbers one stunned gamer, "It's stunning in its sheen, volume and gouraud shading. If it were anywhere close to a woman, I'd date it. Which would also be stunning."

  • June 28, 2010

    Sips some sizzurp that expired in October 2000. Yeah. Yeah.

  • July 9, 2010

    Defeats wife in championship game of footsie and learns meaning behind "won the battle but lost the war."

  • July 22, 2010

    Attempts to wrangle a Rangel end with a pair of wrinkled Wranglers. Promptly run over by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in a Jeep Cherokee.

  • August 3, 2010

    Decides to never again get anything on, including "my eats, my groove and my Valtrex."

  • August 11, 2010

    Pulls coccyx attempting to shift an engorged paradigm that was blocking the driveway.

  • August 13, 2010

    Accidentally logs onto MySpace, spends three days dotting i's with hearts.

  • August 22, 2010

    Overtakes Kevin Costner as go-to-hair-model-with-scientific-inclinations by producing a 12-megaton roll of Bounty paper towels.

  • September 1, 2010

    Disheartened by admission from rapper T.I. that his initials do not stand for Texas Instruments.

  • September 13, 2010

    After saving Saints running back Reggie Bush from a particularly menacing piece of gristle, receives 2010 Heimlich Award for efforts.

  • September 14, 2010

    Returns Heimlich Award after allegations surface that Reggie Bush was undeserving of gristle dislodgment due to "lingering Kardashian stank."

  • October 2, 2010

    Upon hearing the U.K.'s decision to recognize Druidry as a bona fide religion, reinstates movement to rename Christmas "Pagan Smackdown Day."

  • October 8, 2010

    Learns the correct pronunciation of Favre is actually "pantsless."

  • October 13, 2010

    Rescues 33 minors from an abandoned Chili's.

  • October 22, 2010

    Sends the Wikileaks gang a case of Flomax and a homemade kegel exercises video.

  • November 2, 2010

    After winning a congressional seat in 14 states, annoys Chris "Tingly Legs" Matthews by answering every question with "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." Jonathan Frakes keeps the beard.

  • November 7, 2010

    Reports Queen Elizabeth II to Facebook authorities for "overzealous poking and posting of Chumbawumba videos."

  • November 11, 2010

    Fearing political instability in the Ivory Coast, soaks in vacation along the Palmolive Swamplands.

  • November 16, 2010

    Loses office Royal Wedding Pool when Prince William chooses Kate Middleton over Baby Spice.

  • November 28, 2010

    Learns a hospital is a big building with patients.

  • December 3, 2010

    Takes delivery of Nissan Twig electric shrub. Spends 36 hours attempting to pair it with an iPhone. Settles on pairing it with a nice Chablis.

  • December 18, 2010

    Repeals personal "don't ask don't tell" policy regarding a chocolate's status as dark or very dark. Milk chocolate still banned from open consumption notwithstanding the famed M&M's Exception of 2003.

  • December 25, 2010

    Sticks it to Richard Dawkins. Postpones sticking it to Christopher Hitchens until Easter.

  • December 31, 2010

    Armed with a sling and 5,000 smooth stones, takes out a like number of red-winged blackbirds in Beebe, Arkansas.

  • January 10, 2011

    In 18th and fourth-from-last year of eligibility, wins NCAA Championship by winking over 26,000 tiddlies without a single giggle.

  • January 20, 2011

    After failing to check facts on Google, plays “Dark Side of the Moon” in honor of Jimmy Page’s son becoming CEO of said search engine/privacy squasher.

  • January 25, 2011

    Announces plan to reduce household deficit by $4 over the next ten years just as soon as those Kenny Rogers commemorative “Gambler IV” plates are paid off.

  • February 10, 2011

    Walks into Verizon store and promptly purchases the newly released Motorola HASBN.

  • February 16, 2011

    Fails at attempt to care while Jimmy cracks corn.

  • February 25, 2011

    Discovers Charlie Sheen’s Tiger Blood is nothing more than Tang and V8 and that “winning” is defined as the ability to projectile vomit into the next county.

  • February 27, 2011

    Palpably disappointed by Oscar hosts Franco Harris and Jane Hathaway from “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

  • March 6, 2011

    For 24 solid hours, walks like an Egyptian as a show of solidarity with Susanna Hoffs and the other Bangles whose names no one recalls.

  • March 11, 2011

    Unlike the Aflac duck, knows when to pray instead of joke.

  • March 12, 2011

    Attempts to lock out NFL star Peyton Manning from his stash of Dean’s French Onion Dip prove futile. Brother Eli, however, is kept at bay.

  • March 19, 2011

    Imposes a no-fly zone over his barbecued baked beans.

  • March 20, 2011

    Reveals the 24,559th and correct way to spell Muammar Gaddafi is “Aretha Franklin.”

  • April 5, 2011

    Stops into a gentrified Pigglesworth Wigglesworth for a can of Pringles and accidentally wins the entire brand from Procter & Gamble after checking in on Foursquare.

  • April 15, 2011

    Pays down some federal debt from August 1967.

  • April 27, 2011

    Following the President’s lead, produces birth certificate to receive a free round at Swervin’ Irvin’s Putt-Putt and Go-Kart Golf Resort and Small Engine Repair.

  • May 1, 2011

    Hugs a SEAL.

  • May 2, 2011

    Hugs a sea lion.

  • May 3, 2011

    Hugs a walrus.

  • May 4, 2011

    Hugs golfing semi-legend Craig Stadler.

  • May 5, 2011

    Ends hugging spree to the relief of enlisted troops, sea mammals and senior PGA pros worldwide.

  • May 19, 2011

    Once again lands at number 101 on Forbes magazine’s annual Celebrity 100 Power List.

  • May 27, 2011

    Fails to convince SC Johnson (a family - not yours - company) that Arab Spring™ Glade® would make a wonderful addition to any bathroom.

  • June 3, 2011

    Declares candidacy for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination vowing to go hairdo-y-hairdo against Mitt “The Charlestown Coif” Romney.

  • June 12, 2011

    As Dallas Mavericks win the NBA title, becomes basketball fan for 3.2 seconds.

  • June 16, 2011

    After viewing 1,739 Weiner-based puns, finds and tasers one Oscar B. Mayer of Little Elm, Texas.

  • July 8, 2011

    Denied Space Shuttle crew member status for 135th consecutive time. Mourns lost chance to study effects of zero gravity on white boy afros.

  • July 21, 2011

    In an effort to help Greece out of its debt crisis, buys naming rights to the Parthenon for a fiver.

  • July 30, 2011

    Accepts commission to paint the national debt ceiling a lovely mauve.

  • August 1, 2011

    Walks off debt ceiling job upon discovery that payment would be made in the form of a quarter ton of government cheese and a pirate hat full of “Pelosi Doubloons.”

  • August 5, 2011

    Thanks to numbers obtained from freecreditreport.com, becomes chief bond issuer to the personal staff of Timothy “The Goiter” Geithner.

  • August 13, 2011

    Wins Iowa Republican Straw Poll with a quintuple-loop crazy straw requiring the sucking power of 14 Dyson vacuum cleaners. Also, it’s fried.

  • August 15, 2011

    Sells Motorola Mobility to Google for a number that seems fictitious. Larry and Sergey appear strangely giddy over the box of old StarTACs they receive 4-6 weeks later plus S+H.

  • August 24, 2011

    Resigns as CEO of Apple Composting, but assures the company’s fan that several years’ worth of iPoo updates are already in the pipeline.

  • September 18, 2011

    Commences the year-long countdown to buying an inappropriate motor vehicle or chest hair transplants.

  • September 28, 2011

    Credits outstanding posture in winning the National League Wild Card race over a severely slumping Atlanta Braves team.

  • October 5, 2011

    Kills John "PC" Hodgman.

  • October 17, 2011

    Convinces Occupy Wall Street crowd that occupying White Castle makes a lot more sense, dude.

  • October 20, 2011

    Grateful that the long, international nightmare of how to spell Qaddhafi/Qaddafi/Gaddafi/Kaddafi/Khadafy/Qadhafi/Qadaffi/Gadaffi is finally over, assumes no one read entry from March 20, 2011.

  • October 31, 2011

    Makes mental note to not wear a light blue Metallica T-shirt when taking the kiddos trick-or-treating after 43rd passerby remarks, “Nice costume, Beavis.”

  • November 8, 2011

    After tripping over gigantic dotted line in living room, realizes house has become haunted by the ghost of Bil Keane.

  • February 15, 2013

    Freaks out millions of dash-cam weilding Russians with an errant maiden launch of Kickstarter purchase iComet.

  • November 16, 2011

    Joins Team Edward Jones.

  • November 17, 2011

    Fired from Team Edward Jones for attempting to sell mutual funds whilst shirtless. Claims of lycanthropy fail to sway EEOC.

  • November 21, 2011

    Serves notice of copyright infringement to the Congressional Supercommittee, forcing the debt-reduction panel to refer to itself as The Big Game Where Everyone Loses.

  • December 3, 2011

    Despite questions concerning his citizenship, shifts support for 2012 presidency to Little Caesar.

  • December 9, 2011

    Attempts to tap the pint-sized spy movie market with the release of “Tinker, Toys, Tater, Tot.” Learns Gary Oldman frightens children of all ages.

  • December 15, 2011

    Preemptively breaks up with J-Lo, assuring no “journalist” will ever type the name J-Lo-J-Fo in mock amusement.

  • December 20, 2011

    Fails to secure DVD-release deal for self-produced “Guy with the Dragon-Shaped Tattoo Removal Scar.”

  • January 3, 2012

    Wins Iowa caucuses by being, according to the Donnellson Bee Star, “the most blindingly Caucasian person by far, even by Corn Belt standards.”

  • January 9, 2012

    Cracks the BCS ranking code and makes Longview Community College the year’s Division I champions in football, lacrosse, air hockey, loogie flinging and synchronized jonesing.

  • January 18, 2012

    Protesting the proposed SOPA legislation, challenges Mr. Clean to a bare-knuckles brawl.

  • February 5, 2012

    Trademarks the phrase “the big game,” forcing advertisers to now use the phrase “that thing with the ball that Lucy keeps pulling away from Charlie Brown and has a lot of ads that used to be cool until everyone leaked them on YouTube.”

  • February 15, 2012

    Reveals head of internet hacking group Anonymous to be the Unknown Comic.

  • February 26, 2012

    Spends 18 hours watching “When Harry Met Dr. Sally Albright, Plastic Surgeon.”

  • March 6, 2012

    Encourages Mitt, Rick, Newt, Ron and other monosyllabic GOP primary contenders to declare the day Middling Monday in order to make Tuesday seem that much more super.

  • March 8, 2012

    Celebrates Spanx-founder Sara Blakely’s becoming the youngest self-made female billionaire by cling-wrapping self and sliding into a size 18x34-inch pair of Buddy Lee-era, can’t-bust-em Lee Dungarees.

  • March 12, 2012

    Inspired by Jennifer “Katniss Doublemint Evergreen Pauladeen Everdeen” Lawrence, enjoys a delightful squirrel kabob.

  • March 20, 2012

    Starts a worldwide backlash against über-bomb “John Carter” on the grounds that Eriq La Salle is nowhere to be seen.

  • March 28, 2012

    Questions legality of Supreme Court’s decision to not announce ruling on Obamacare until June due to one justice allegedly having “too much Bader and not enough Ginsberg.”

  • April 1, 2012

    As the subject of 99% of Taylor Swift’s songs, named Co-Entertainer of the Year at the Academy of Country Music Awards Mid-Southwest Region.

  • April 12, 2012

    Saddened to discover that Hallmark quit carrying “Sorry your nuclear missile blew up” cards in 1964.

  • April 14, 2012

    Upon discovering the Secret Service’s secret, speaks for the nation in a regionally forwarded tweet that reads, “Nasty. And not in a cool, honey badger kind of way.”

  • April 15, 2012

    Marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic by tossing a laser disc of “The Abyss” into the neighbors’ pool.

  • April 26, 2012

    Once again fails to be taken in the NFL draft despite changing name to “Jim Brown.” As a consolation gift, his children award him a brand-new bag.

  • May 2, 2012

    Pulls a Gingrich. Unable to find a suitable salve.

  • May 4, 2012

    Disappointed to discover Alan Alda is not in “The Avengers.” Hulks out, Bixby style.

  • May 17, 2012

    Bypasses flailing Facebook IPO for more secure investment in 18 cases of Winklevoss: The Fragrance.

  • May 21, 2012

    In response to a government study claiming prostate exams may cause more harm than good, decides it’s okay to turn 40 this year.

  • June 5, 2012

    Happy to see cheddar win the Wisconsin state cheese recall election over a surprisingly popular and robustly stinky 2003 episode of “According to Jim.”

  • June 11, 2012

    Confuses Roland Garros for Roland Orzabal and is ejected from the French Open finals for continuing to shout and shout whilst letting it all out.

  • June 12, 2012

    Publishes a book about pretending to be some guy's facial hair.

  • June 17, 2012

    Congratulates the people of Greece on electing their 423rd coalition government in as many days by sending the populace a starter spice packet for stone soup.

  • July 1, 2012

    Craving free a/c in the midst of another Texas heat wave, moves family into the back of the Wetzel’s Pretzels in the Stonebriar Centre shopping mall.

  • August 1, 2012

    Unable to reconcile the spelling of “Centre” with MLA standards, abandons Wetzel’s Pretzels spider hole with 18 pounds of salt in tow.

  • August 11, 2012

    Passed over as a vice presidential running mate by Romney campaign on grounds that one great head of hair is already too distracting for some voters.

  • August 17, 2012

    Convicted of hooliganism by the ultra-statist residents of Palookaville.

  • September 17, 2012

    Marks the one-year anniversary of Occupy Wall Street by turning the garden hose on some lawn-crashing hippies. Hippies later determined to be extra-scraggly possums.

  • September 18, 2012

    Turns 40. Paunchiness ensues.

  • September 22, 2012

    After months of uncertainty, finally releases StewPat Thick ’n’ Meaty to an exultant public. Early Twitter reviews claiming the robust canned goodness is actually more Bland ’n’ Sullen send sales skyrocketing amongst goths in trees.

  • October 3, 2012

    Pulls out a surprise victory in the first presidential debate by promising to “finally bring full transparency to so-called transparent tape.”

  • October 5, 2012

    Celebrates Global James Bond day by changing name to Octoshoehorn.

  • October 7, 2012

    Party honoring the election of JC Chasez to a third term as Venezuela’s president ends on a sour note when it is revealed that Joey Fatone ate all the pigs in a blanket.

  • November 5, 2012

    Moves family to Omaha, Nebraska, on purpose.

  • November 6, 2012

    Curses the low-information hippie possums.

  • November 9, 2012

    Proudly accepts appointment as head of the Central Intellivision Agency. Vows to “bring the creator of that janky directional disk to justice or at least a Dave & Buster's near you.”

  • November 29, 2012

    Sprains nasal cartilage while fiscal cliff diving.

  • December 3, 2012

    Takes the 12,000,000,000:1 odds that Prince William and Princess Catherine will name their pending spawn Andrew Capp Windsor.

  • December 12, 2012

    With the help of 16 F-size Estes model rocket engines and can of Red Bull, launches an Aerobie into orbit. Aerobie fails to return to earth when it gets tangled in the solar panels of a GPS satellite.

  • December 19, 2012

    Worldwide helium shortage forces cancellation of proposed Annual Talk Like a Munchkin Day and Parade. Rumors of widespread attacks by the Lollipop Gang proved founded.

  • December 23, 2012

    Accidentally clicks on an online banner ad and instantly starts saving money on insurance and mortgage rates while one weird trick eliminates stubborn belly fat and hair loss.

  • January 7, 2013

    Fails to convince Trader Joe’s to offer Three Buck Chuck and a Bagel combo deal in honor of Defense Secretary nominee Chuck Hagel. The chic grocer instead releases Jay Carney’s Salted Caramels to a smattering of golf claps.

  • January 15, 2013

    Tearfully admits to a beatific Oprah that he was “on the juice” for all seven of his “Tour de Donut” championships at the Love’s Travel Stop in Davenport, Iowa. Said “juice” revealed to be a special blend of cranberry, pomegranate and “something this dude in a wicked-cool Mack gave me.”

  • February 8, 2013

    Confused-yet-joyous as a deceased Fred Sanford and his sons win Grammy for album of the year.

  • February 11, 2013

    Attempts to submit resume for now-vacant papacy thwarted by LinkedIn’s pay-to-play InMail system.

  • February 28, 2013

    Resigns as the IVth Pope of Greenwich Village.

  • March 5, 2013

    Fails to mourn death of Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez, opting instead to mourn the loss of new jokes about Sean Penn loving Hugo Chavez.

  • March 18, 2013

    Buys Olympian/Tiger Woods aficiondo Lindsey Vonn a 1-iron.

  • April 1, 2013

    Pulls the best April Fools’ Day joke of all time on North Korean dictator/marshmallow enthusiast Kim Jong-un by promising the gelatinous strongman a container car of plutonium and instead delivering two container cars of “Pluto Nash” DVDs and a pirated copy of “Shaun T’s Insanity Workout.”

  • April 8, 2013

    Finally gives up dream of becoming adopted grandson of Margaret Thatcher. In remembrance, has “Iron Shoehorn” tattooed on southeast quadrant of a random glute.

  • April 14, 2013

    Wins Venezuelan presidential election to replace dearly departed Hugo Chavez with a plurality of votes. Withdraws during victory speech declaring, “Sorry, but I’m a one-wife kinda guy.”

  • May 4, 2013

    After 16 years of intense training, finally wins the Kentucky Fried Chicken Derby and Bloat-Off.

  • May 15, 2013

    Celebrates another advancement towards gender equality at the revelation that The Woman can be just as oppressive as The Man. Tempers joy with sad realization that Superman’s lady friend grew up to be a bureaucrat.

  • June 2, 2013

    After learning that the Taliban has opened an office in Qatar, goes on a copy-and-fax strike at the local FedEx Office. Chants of “death to cover pages” fail to stir anyone into action.

  • June 6, 2013

    Introduces bean-spiller Edward “The Temp” Snowden to bean-splitter Edward “The Equalizer” Woodward, who died in 2009.

  • June 15, 2013

    In celebration of the birth of North West, creates mashup of “North by Northwest,” Kanye’s “Gold Digger,” and 1.2 million booty selfies.

  • July 5, 2013

    Named interim president of Egypt after defeating now-has-been Mohammed Morsi in a tense game of “Card Sharks.”

  • July 10, 2013

    After being called as a character witness in the trial of Boston mobster Whitey Bulger, claims Whitey “couldn’t have done nothing bad since he was super awesome on ‘Leave It to Beaver’ and Ward wouldn’t have put up with no shenanigans, brah.”

  • July 18, 2013

    Assumes ownership of Detroit Rock City in exchange for a $50 Amazon gift card and a 1973 Ford Pinto station wagon with faux wood paneling.

  • July 19, 2013

    Returns Detroit to Costco because they’ll take back anything. Claims subsequent massive purchase of Skippy and Charmin is unrelated.

  • August 29, 2013

    Sues the National Football League for multiple headaches caused by repeated exposure to Jerry Jones.

  • September 7, 2013

    Celebrates 10 years of wedded bliss with a 25-year-old Hostess Choco Bliss.

  • September 8, 2013

    Celebrates 10 hours of vomiting.

  • September 30, 2013

    Speaking from the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives that he is supposed to be buffing, threatens to shut down the government by rubbing a balloon on its last working TRS-80 computer.

  • October 22, 2013

    Officially changes the family surname to “Kimye” after wife endures one last question about being “Megan Fox.”

  • October 24, 2013

    Turns down lead in movie adaption of “50 Shades of Gray,” opting instead to launch tour of one-man stage show “500 Shades of Ecru.”

  • October 29, 2013

    Fails to convince the now bro-free Kevin Jonas to front reformed-and-rechristened reggae group The Whalers.

  • November 3, 2013

    Falls back. Loses two hours at urgent care.

  • December 19, 2013

    Insistence on using “The Price is Right”-style giant checks at Target finally vindicated when the company announces more than 40 million credit cards numbers used at its stores have been sold to hackers for six bitcoins and a handful of magic beans.

  • December 23, 2013

    Fixes Healthcare.gov by deleting Flash.

  • January 1, 2014

    Though living in Omaha, gets contact high from westerly winds.

  • January 17, 2014

    Removes tape from laptop webcam after President Obama promises that the NSA finds pastiness too unattractive to surveil.

  • February 2, 2014

    Sued by the NFL for Instagramming a really awesome container of queso.

  • February 4, 2014

    Defeats the Polar Vortex with a 12-year-old pair of Old Navy performance fleece sweatpants.

  • February 7, 2014

    Slips on driveway and takes bronze in the 2014 Winter Doofus Olympics.

  • February 12, 2014

    Banned from Omaha Public Library system for attempting to “luge the stacks.”

  • February 24, 2014

    Accused of leading a black market lip balm cartel under the pseudonym El Chapstick.

  • March 2, 2014

    Takes home 23rd consecutive technical Oscar® in the category Best Human White Balance Card.

  • March 22, 2014

    Lures Russian-backed separatists out of Crimea with two cases of black market lip balm and season passes to Yakov Smirnoff’s theater in Branson, Missouri.

  • April 1, 2014

    During congressional hearings on slothful recalls, grills General Motors CEO Mary Barra a perfect rib eye. Harry “The Treadmill” Reid remains a goober.

  • April 11, 2014

    Takes over as Secretary of Health and Human Services when it is revealed that ex-Secretary Kathleen Sibelius is in truth a sickly robot.

  • April 21, 2014

    Despite near-freezing temperatures and a lack of oxygen, survives 5-hour flight from San Jose to Maui folded origami-style into the Economy+ seat of a Boeing 767.

  • May 5, 2014

    Buys Secretary of State John Kerry a t-shirt that reads “Stop! Or I’ll yell ‘stop’ again!” Shirt becomes a best seller on CafePress.com with sales totaling in the high single digits.

  • May 29, 2014

    Openly weeps at the news that White House Spokesdrone Jay Carney is resigning and taking his Dippin’ Dots cooler, funnel cake maker and finger-cleaving Tilt-A-Whirl with him.

  • May 31, 2014

    Facilitates prisoner swap with the Taliban, receiving Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl in exchange for two third round draft picks to be named later, Al Roker, and cash.

  • June 6, 2014

    Secures private screening of “The Fault in Our Stars” after having the rest of the audience removed for Snapchatting.

  • June 18, 2014

    Finds embattled IRS chief Lois Lerner’s “lost” emails under an old copy of “People” in the Capitol lounge.

  • July 11, 2014

    Responds to news of LeBron “King of the Hair Club for Men” James rejoining the Cleveland Cavaliers of the National Basketball Association with tween-worthy eye roll.

  • August 1, 2014

    After a pruning incident involving one Groot G. McGrooterson, demoted to Guardian of the Samsung Galaxy S4.

  • August 9, 2014

    Discovers that when life gives you Don Lemon, it’s impossible to make lemonade. It is, however, possible to make a Maddow Mule.

  • August 11, 2014

    Teaches offspring the official Orkan handshake.

  • August 23, 2014

    Sells $3.15 worth of Gary “U.S.” Bonds memorabilia to Goldman Sachs.

  • September 4, 2014

    iCloud photo library remains depressingly unleaked.

  • September 25, 2014

    Upon Eric Holder’s resignations, ascends to the rank of U.S. Attorney Corporal Fourth Class.

  • September 26, 2014

    Disappointed that the major motion picture version of “The Equalizer” doesn’t star Jacko Jackson. Oi!

  • October 11, 2014

    Pushes NHTSA to include every cable news talking head in the Takata airbag recall fun. Also suggests the agency get a better acronym.

  • October 29, 2014

    Curses Joe Buck. #foreverroyal

  • November 3, 2014

    Unable to be in NYC, celebrates opening of One World Trade Center by drinking 1,776 ounces of Royal Crown Cola and then depositing 1,773 of those ounces somewhere in The Village.

  • November 4, 2014

    Admits to having no clue as to what “The Village” is.

  • November 5, 2014

    Admits to having watched M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Village” at least three-quarters of the way through.

  • November 12, 2014

    Saddened to see the folks from Rosetta Stone language-learning software have managed to harass a mute comet.

  • November 24, 2014

    Takes $671 hit on unsold “Chuck Hagel is my Defense Homeboy” swag.

  • December 7, 2014

    As a welcoming gesture to the visiting Prince William and Duchess Kate, offers to babysit their eight children with the exception “that one prone to giving the ol’ stink eye.”

  • December 17, 2014

    Begins screening of “The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and Weezy.”

  • December 19, 2014

    Gives up quest to finish screening of “The Hobbit: The Yadda Yadda Yadda.”

  • December 24, 2014

    Hits up the Kwik Stop for the traditional purchasing of jerky-flavored stocking stuffers and off-brand D-cell batteries.

  • January 4, 2015

    Turns back on NYC Mayor Bill “The Blahs” de Blasio in failed effort to safeguard a bag of Dolly Madison Donut Gems.

  • January 18, 2015

    Goes into mallet-derived, self-induced coma to avoid the coming avalanche of puns related to Tom Brady, the New England Patriots and deflated balls.

  • January 23, 2015

    Due to a mix-up on Ancestry.com, becomes King Shoehornallah of Saudi Arabia.

  • January 26, 2015

    Regrets giving his twin whackadoodles drones for their seventh birthdays when they instantly land their new crafts on the White House lawn instead of fetching biscuits from Chick-fil-A.

  • February 4, 2015

    Beaten to a pulp by one Wilma “The Hurricane” Katrinavich as NBC hair model Brian Williams looks on.

  • February 5, 2015

    Seizing yet another corporate bankruptcy as a teachable moment, instructs his kids on what a “radio” and a “shack” are using a TRS-80; 14,000 diodes; and a soldering iron from 1973.

  • February 13, 2015

    Defeats terrorism, bigotry, hunger, inequality, scoliosis and acid reflux with the hashtag #hugs.

  • February 22, 2015

    Discovers a second “new” manuscript from “To Kill a Mockingbird” author Harper Lee entitled “Go Set the Tivo to Record Steve Harvey Because That Man is High-larious.”

  • March 3, 2015

    Accidentally mispronounces Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s name as “Benetton Nosferatu.” Mossad agents are not amused. Well, maybe a little.

  • March 4, 2015

    High-centers a 1973 AMC Pacer on a parking pylon outside a White House Black Market retail establishment. Finds the strength to enjoy some froyo from the TCBY next door.

  • April 2, 2015

    Reaches historic agreement with Iran to teach high-ranking Mullahs how to avoid superheating their Hot Pockets.

  • April 5, 2015

    Taken to the emergency room after twisting tongue into sixteen alpine butterfly loop knots while attempting to pronounce “Mike Krzyzewski.”

  • April 12, 2015

    Announces candidacy for the presidency of the “1992 Rulez Club & Appreciation Society of Embarrass, Minnesota (South Side).”

  • April 17, 2015

    Declares “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” to be “‘The Empire Strikes Back’ of ‘Paul Blart’ movies if ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ had been a Pauly Shore vehicle.”

  • May 1, 2015

    Disappointed to learn that “Avengers: Age of Ultron” cannot even be considered a spiritual successor to “Voltron: Defender of the Universe” even though Mark Ruffalo kind of looks like a grown-up Pidge.

  • May 2, 2015

    After learning the Grand Royal Couple of Poobahs o’ Merry Old England have also named their daughter Charlotte, claims copyright infringement and sues for six pence and unlimited chips at five of the eight remaining Arthur Treacher’s locations.

  • May 6, 2015

    Found guilty of deflating own ego for 21 straight years by remaining in the ad industry.

  • May 16, 2015

    After a fortnight of suspect effort, gives up attempts to correctly pronounce “Pacquiao” and settles on “The Hulkster.”

  • June 6, 2015

    After partnering with Usain Bolt’s sixteenth cousin twelve times removed, wins the Triple Crown of three-legged racing.

  • June 15, 2015

    Continues operating at a championship level by winning an officially licensed Chicago Blackhawks Stanley Thermos from third-eldest nephew’s PTA raffle.

  • June 16, 2015

    Ends suspect winning streak by failing to locate Golden State on a map of the U.S.A. and instead locating the second-closest Golden Corral.

  • June 29, 2015

    Rejects Greece’s attempt to pay off debt with a vintage VHS copy of “Grease 2,” insisting that “only Travolta constitutes accepted tender with the possible exception of flaming cheese.”

  • July 10, 2015

    Scrapes Confederate flag off the top of his circa-1981 Hot Wheels “Dukes of Hazzard” General Lee.

  • July 14, 2015

    Accepts Iran’s tweeted ASCII shruggie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ as proof that they’ll totally not build nuclear weapons. Seriously, you guys.

  • July 15, 2015

    Threatens to release the identities of all seven members of AshleySimpsonMegafanz.com.

  • July 16, 2015

    Suffers non-life-threatening groinal injuries at the stilettoed feet of Jessica “Big Tuna” Simpson.

  • July 17, 2016

    Debuts in “Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser” as “Mullet No. 6.”

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