December 2, 1974
Falls off chair and breaks leg. Amidst speculation of foul play, Doug Henning flees to Alberta and is last seen levitating a bong.
November 22, 1976
Suspended from preschool for insisting on being addressed as “The King of Blaxploitation, Shaft Himself, Mr. Richard Roundtree.”
August 27, 1977
Enters kindergarten at William Yates Elementary. Within hours, becomes addicted to paste; gets the shakes during nap time.
March 2, 1983
Beats out Brad Pitt for role as the preacher in “Tom Sawyer.” Brad plays a piece of driftwood floating down the Mississippi and is immediately accepted into Julliard.
September 20, 1988
Passes driver’s license test despite insistence on performing the non-required perpendicular parking maneuver.
May 30, 1990
Graduates from Blue Springs High School; spends summer months pining for more knowledge.
April 22, 1991
Wins Nobel Prize in Chemistry for discovering “flubber.”
April 24, 1991
MacMurray drops lawsuit after realizing that he is, in fact, dead.
April 25, 1991
Traumatized at being sued by one of the nation’s most-beloved dead people, gives up groundbreaking scientific research.
January 3, 1994
Wins Pulitzer Prize for book titled “Just Say Cheese: the Herman Velveeta Story.”
May 20, 1994, 10 a.m.
Graduates from Washington University chock full of $80,000 worth of knowledge.
October 28, 1994
“Halloween with the King” party turns ugly when Elvis the pig runs out of peanut slop and nanner sandwiches.
November 18, 1994
Elvis passes on before reaching his bloated, leisure-suit-wearing days.
January 2, 1995
Goes to work at Smith Advertising.
January 3, 1995
Daily grind of advertising begins taking its toll; paste addiction resurfaces.
January 16, 1996
Smith Advertising receives Bronze Award at KC Omni Awards for a television spot; celebration culminates with the ceremonial placing of the award into a dresser drawer.
May 11, 1996
Writes classic funeral services brochure “Cremains of the Day.” Blinded for 5 days by client.
January 31, 1997
Final day at Smith Advertising.
February 15, 1997
Resurrected by credit union in order to make car payment.
March 12, 1997
Begins freelance career as writer/midget wrangler.
April 23, 1997
Ends freelance career by joining Bernstein-Rein. Promptly makes it a Blockbuster night while enjoying a Happy Meal and a can of Ol’ Roy. Awaits royalty check from Bob Bernstein to this day.
November 12-17, 1997
Spends week in L.A. shooting Planet Hollywood spot. Has guest spot on “Buffy” as Cordelia’s love interest. Gets eaten by demonic squirrel at the wrap party.
December 6, 1997
Loses tens of dollars in failed IPO for TheChristmasDreidel.com.
March 4, 1998
Ignoring Kenny Rodgers’ advice, counts money while sitting at the table.
June 23, 1998
Midget wrangling license revoked after infamous Billy Barty vs. Paul Williams “Tussle in Tulsa” grudge match when it is discovered that Paul Williams, technically speaking, has bad hair.
September 18, 1998
Celebrates birthday by getting arrested for violating restraining order against stalking Laugh-In comedian Ruth Buzzi.
June 2, 1999
In a private ceremony on Alcatraz Island, marries longtime sweetheart Kathie Lee Gifford.
June 3, 1999
Realizes he has mistakenly married Kathy Lee Crosby. Regis immediately undergoes sixth angioplasty. Cody takes a bath.
August 1999 – May 2000
July 18, 2000
Wins out-of-court settlement from the makers of Mentos for “failure to induce sufficient freshness.”
August 13 – 17, 2000
Lies in state in the food court of the Great Mall of the Great Plains. No fewer than sixteen people ask corpse for directions to the Gap.
November 29, 2000
Resurrected by combination of acupuncture, herbal teas and a “Wessonality” massage by Florence Henderson.
December 1, 2000
Stuck with a shiv by a jealous Barry “Don't Call Me Greg Brady” Williams. Williams sentenced to 30 years of performing “Man of la Mancha” in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Jan fingers Marcia in death of Notorious B.I.G.
December 22, 2000
Fails in attempt to get Congress to pass resolution changing Christmas to Pagan Smackdown Day.
December 31, 2000
Ends millennium shiv-free. Resolves to spend more time “working it” and “shouting out mad props” to his “peeps.”
January 14, 2001
Discontinues court-ordered psychotropic drugs. Rechristens self as Goodtime Shoehorn. The Pope applauds this courageous move.
January 25, 2001
Despite pleas from Sarah Jessica Parker (“Do it for Ferris!”), turns down guest starring role as a boy toy on HBO’s “Sex and the City,” feeling the role hits too close to home.
February 11, 2001
Fails to make room for Jell-O™.
March 17, 2001
Arrested for alleged “lewd and lascivious conduct with a purple horseshoe.” Bail posted by a heartbroken, yet dead, Doug Henning.
March 18, 2001
Charges dropped due to lack of caring.
March 24, 2001
Testifies in the trial of rapper, entertainer, impresario and all-around uber-jackass Sean “Puffy” “Puff Daddy” ”P. Diddy” Combs. Proves an unreliable witness for the prosecution by admitting to being “hypnotized by J-Lo’s booty.” A grateful Puffy shows his appreciation by changing his name to Gangsta Shoehorn.
April 1, 2001
Misses $100 question on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” by confusing Tom Bosley with David Doyle. Regis offers Cody as a consolation prize. Sells Cody on eBay for $23.42 plus $5.00 shipping (PayPal accepted). An angry Kathie Lee releases an album of protest songs that promptly hits number one in Botswana.
April 2, 2001
High eBay bidder for Cody revealed to be Kelly Ripa, new co-host of “Live with Regis and His Prostate.” Ripa later tenders an offer of $19.99 to Kathie Lee in exchange for Frank. A shrewd and shrewish Kathie Lee holds out for $24.95.
April 15, 2001
Refuses to pay federal income tax on grounds that “Dubya gots enough orl money already.” An unamused IRS seizes Willie Nelson's ponytail just for spite. It is later auctioned off to Kelly Ripa.
June 3 – August 31, 2001
Attempts to simulate a walking tour of Europe by walking a treadmill while watching DVDs of “The Sound of Music,” “Gigi,” “The Quiet Man” and “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”
September 18, 2001
Heeding President Dubya’s plea for a return to normalcy, celebrates 29th birthday with the usual case of A&W Diet Cream Soda and a trip to the emergency room for “removal of ferret-like rodent from nasal cavity.” HMO refuses to reimburse for the loss of six cans of A&W. Doug Henning remains dead.
November 15, 2001
Questioned by Jackson County Sheriffs Department in regards to several missing Tofurkey salesmen. Investigation ends when deputies remember how much they were hoping “someone would smite them soy-suckin’ hippies.”
November 29, 2001
Suspected myocardial infarction diagnosed as leftover Thanksgiving giblet lodged in esophagus. HMO refuses to be amused, sues Regis.
December 19, 2001
Discovers roving band of Druids to actually be group of extremely lost followers of blah band Phish. Reapplies atomic wedgies.
December 26, 2001
Finishes off Bambi’s mother leftovers.
December 27, 2001
Picketed by PETA for “cruel and unusual treatment of cartoon characters.” Refuses to apologize to Ted Nugent.
December 31, 2001
Ted Nugent reveals himself to be none other than Doug Henning. Ted Nugent promptly dies.
January 1, 2002
Spends day nursing a wicked venison hangover.
January 25, 2002
Amidst accusations of Bible reading, quits Mötley Shöehorn. Vince Neil remains fat.
February 14, 2002
Successfully hides bitterness for 15th consecutive year.
February 27, 2002
Assumes role of Hollywood bad boy/boy toy for an apologetic Garner when she dumps husband/actor Scott Foley because “he wasn't anything like his character on ‘Felicity.’”
March 3, 2002
Wrestles auteur Steven Soderbergh in wet cement outside Mann‘s Chinese Theater meant for the handprints of Conrad “Mr. Drummond” Bain. Soderbergh films incident on a VHS-C camcorder, edits the footage on a 1984-era Timex Sinclair and releases the finished film titled “A Movie Without Brad Pitt” to rave reviews.
April 3, 2002
Ignoring Oprah’s warnings to “don’t go there,” goes there.
May 2, 2002
After six years of intense haranguing by various drive-thru lackeys, finally agrees to supersize it.
May 13, 2002
Accidentally produces good advertising, appears in Adweek.
May 14, 2002
Flush with advertising joy, declares himself King of the World. Marries Linda Hamilton. Sued by the Friar’s Club for being five years behind the curve on this joke.
May 15, 2002
Marriage to Hamilton declared invalid when it is learned that she is not human but is, instead, James Cameron.
August 14, 2002
Spends 14 hours outside in 104-degree heat in an effort to become the world’s first self-basting human.
August 28, 2002
Succumbs to Cub Scout den #202 while they attempt to earn their vigilante merit badges. Threats of “waxing off” fail to instill fear in boys born after 1984.
September 18, 2002
Celebrates thirtieth birthday by regaling the youthful hipsters at the DQ with tales of Pong and the Betamax vs. VHS wars. Later, cuts loose “Cy Sperling style” with a case a Propecia. Finally arrested after charging into a Conoco on a Krispy Kreme-fueled rage demanding Slim Jims, Marlboros and “the stalest microwave burrito you Don Juan Bastardos got.”
October 17, 2002
Makes 32nd appearance on “Live with Kelly and Regis’s Prostate” to promote the Bedazzled Jock Strap, or BJS as it has come to be known. A confused Regis refers to the BJS as “Gifford.”
November 5, 2002
Defeats Missouri Senator Carnahan in general election vowing to “rid America of the most vile threat to our peace, well being and way of life – Dr. Phil.”
November 28, 2002
With wits dulled by tryptophan, goes against conventional wisdom by having cake and eating it, too.
December 9, 2002
Gives up efforts to rename Christmas “Pagan Smackdown Day” in favor of renaming it “ChristinaAguileramas.” Confused pontiff John Paul declares the idea “bangin’.”
February 2, 2003
Makes international headlines by revealing that Punxsutawney Phil, the official groundhog of Groundhog Day, is actually a muskrat with a pituitary ailment.
February 12, 2003
Denies U.N. weapons inspectors access to sofa cushion-clad Fortress of Dorkitude.
February 16, 2003
U2 front man Bono’s attempts to mediate the U.N. - Shoehorn stand-off collapse when a tweakin’ Kofi Annan confuses U2’s classic anthem “Sunday Bloody Sunday” with football/blimp disaster movie “Black Sunday.”
March 8, 2003
Declares a jihad against gingivitis.
March 9, 2003
Gives up jihad when after-breakfast flossing stretches into mid-afternoon, interrupting quality alone time with Judge Judy.
March 21, 2003
Signs up to become an embedded reporter with the 101st Division of the Salvation Army.
March 23, 2003
Chided by documentarian/beard enthusiast Michael Moore at Academy Awards for “running a fictitious website under a fictitious name with a fictitious bio.”
April 1, 2003
Performs Aaron “The Mole” Neville’s “Don't Know Much” to a standing ovation at the Gladstone, Missouri, Kiwanis Club bi-weekly meeting and pancake breakfast.
April 18, 2003
At a rumble between Bush supporters and anti-war peaceniks, is tasered by Janeane Garofalo after quipping, “You were really cute in those ‘Addams Family’ movies.”
April 27, 2003
Helps Daddy with Shake ’n’ Bake.
May 5, 2003
Finally knocks the battery from an aging, slower Robert Conrad’s shoulder.
May 18, 2003
June 5, 2003
Kicks the bucket and is forcibly removed from KFC.
June 12, 2003
Celebrates mother’s birthday by purchasing Vanilla Ice’s famed “word to ya mutha” jacket from a near penniless Don Rickles.
You Need TP
June 31, 2003
Remembers there is no June 31.
July 4, 2003
Mistakenly bypasses Roman candles for the French variety. Spends evening lighting candles that shoot nothing while emitting an irritating whine.
August 9, 2003
Forgets password, losing access to ilovethewiggles.com.
August 23, 2003
Bachelor party kicks off with a rousing rendition of the Doxology performed by groomsman Yanni. Later, napping ensues.
September 13, 2003
Commences mooning the honey in Charleston, South Carolina. Local constabulary is not amused.
September 16, 2003
Initiates the Second American Civil War by declaring Fort Sumter “domain of The Supreme Ruler: Shoehorn the First.”
September 17, 2003
Surrenders Fort Sumter for a plate of fried green tomatoes.
October 12, 2003
Mistakenly celebrates Columbus Day in Cincinnati.
October 27, 2003
Fails to pop-and-lock for the 11,354th consecutive day.
November 16, 2003
Requests refund from Dean campaign; personally yelled at by Democratic also-ran and Mayor of Vermont Howard Dean.
November 30, 2003
Realizes his milkshake is better than yours. Commences charging.
December 8, 2003
Weeps upon reflecting that, as a Protestant, has never once even raised a voice in mild disgust.
December 13-14, 2003
Holds first ever Borgnineapalooza featuring over 40 hours of Tivo’ed programming. Tivo explodes during third showing of “Convoy.” None of the three festival attendees is physically harmed.
December 26-30, 2003
Celebrates Christmas with the in-laws in lovely Argyle, Iowa. Pie-based bloating ensues.
January 4, 2004
Sticks it to the Man.
January 5, 2004
Arrested on suspicion of “sticking it with intent to jive.”
January 23, 2004
Declares intent to name first child “Ficus.” Wife renews Ortho Tri-Cyclen prescription.
February 1, 2004
Wins office Super Bowl pool. Visits disneyworld.com.
February 14, 2004
Makes bizarre “Barry White” mix CD for sweetie by mashing up Barry Manilow with the White Stripes.
February 24, 2004
Launches write-in presidential campaign for value-based auto body painting magnate Earl Scheib.
March 14, 2004
The "Earl Scheib Memorial Tribute Memorial" begins peeling.
April 1, 2004
Gets fooled. Vows to not get fooled again. Promptly sued by Roger Daltry for copyright infringement of his hair.
April 15, 2004
Attempts to pay income taxes with a few Barry Bonds rookie cards, a case of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and an autograph that looks "vaguely Hasselhoffian."
April 21, 2004
Replaces Karen Jurgensen as editor at "USA Today" promising "more colorful inks that are easier to transfer to Silly Putty." Circulation skyrockets in the hot 4- to 6-year-old demographic.
May 1, 2004
Attempts to join the European Union with claims of being Supreme Ruler of Funkistan.
May 2, 2004
EU accepts Funkistan acknowledging, "We need something to counterbalance those cursed mimes."
June 11, 2004
Shocks the media with startling revelation that "insurgents" is just a watered-down word for "terrorists." Dan Rather denies culpability.
June 28, 2004
Hands over power of positive thinking to interim Iraqi government.
July 7, 2004
Protests indictment of former Enron chief Ken Lay by eating 12 bags of Lay's B-B-Q style potato chips and a half a can of Ken-L-Ration Tender Chunks.
July 8, 2004
July 29, 2004
Moments after John Kerry accepts the Democratic Party nomination, shocks the world by revealing that Kerry's three Vietnam purple hearts are, in fact, leftover chocolates from Valentine's Day 1973.
August 15, 2004
Wins office pool when astrophysicist Stephen Hawking reverses himself and claims that information can be retrieved from black holes. Socks, however, cannot.
September 1, 2004
Drops allegations that Laker star Kobe Bryant is the mutated genetic mash-up of a Japanese steer and Bryant Gumble.
September 7, 2004
Marks one year wedding anniversary by burning all six remaining copies of the J-Lo-tastic "The Wedding Planner." STARZ network shuts down due to lack of programming.
September 12, 2004
Doug Henning remains stone cold.
September 22, 2004
Confirmed as head of CIA vowing to get to the bottom of the whole "Sydney Bristow-Michael Vaughan shenanigans."
September 23, 2004
Removed as head of CIA for overuse of the word "shenanigans."
October 2, 2004
Laughs in the face of death. Death vows to find a new moisturizing derma-cream.
October 21, 2004
During cable access-televised debate with Walter Mondale, rankles the former presidential candidate/punching bag by repeatedly asking "How did it feel to be replaced by Jack Klugman for the TV version?"
October 30, 2004
Tiring of keeping it real, decides to keep it in some Tupperware.
November 3, 2004
Declared winner of Afghanistan presidential election after vowing to provide "cool dogs and blankets for all."
December 17, 2004
Convinces EU to admit that Turkey is a tasty meat. Sedated by tryptophan, EU sleeps for 12 days to no one's inconvenience.
December 26, 2004
January 3, 2005
Joins former Presidents George H. W. Bush and Bill W. T. Clinton in a pay-per-view deathmatch entitled Ring-Around-the-Rosy Bloodsport '99 VI.
January 10, 2005
Narrowly escapes incrimination in "Rathergate" by distracting Les Moonves with Les Nessman-branded Moon Pies.
January 16, 2005
Fails to win Golden Globe for Best Supporting Undergarment for 16th straight year.
February 4, 2005
Resigns from Bernstein-Rein Advertising citing "value-based exhaustion."
February 10, 2005
In response to North Korea's claims that it possesses nuclear weapons, furrows brow.
February 16, 2005
February 28, 2005
Begins working at Dallas advertising agency Firehouse. Sent home for a "suspender-related incident unbecoming a hack."
March 9, 2005
Fails to watch or even TiVo Dan Rather's final broadcast as anchor of "CBS Evening News."
March 17, 2005
Testifies before Congress claiming to "have never, never, ever, never not been juiced up on the sweet liqueur of 'roids." Raphael Palmeiro bites the head off Sen. Nancy Pelosi.
March 22, 2005
Toasts the most perfectly toasted piece of toast ever toasted.
April 9, 2005
While attempting to purchase tickets for the London comeback tour of the Bay City Rollers, accidentally attends wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Lewis Bowles. Performs a wicked soft shoe with the Queen at the reception held at Lou's Fish 'n' Chips 'n' Back Alley Dentistry.
April 19, 2005
Spends day in repose attempting to figure out how John "Cliff Clavin" Ratzenberger ascended to become Pope Benedict XVI.
May 3, 2005
May 19, 2005
Receives mild chuckles from passersby by exclaiming, "Those jalapeno nachos sure gave me the revenge of the Sith!"
May 31, 2005
Ending years of speculation, breaks media silence to reveal that Deep Throat is, in fact, a creation of Disney Imagineers™. Richard Nixon posthumously reinstated as President.
June 2, 2005
President Nixon relinquishes presidential duties in order to begin filming season 5 of "24."
June 13, 2005
Once again fails to read "The Da Vinci Code."
June 20, 2005
Crosses the aisle and sides with Senate Democrats to block the appointment of Michael Bolton as ambassador to the UN stating, "Even the New World Order doesn't deserve to be lite rocked."
July 2, 2005
Rocks Live 8 hard with a stirring rendition of Young MC's "Bust-a-Move" featuring Alicia Keys. Bob Geldof transfers knighthood to the newly christened Sir Shoehorn of Jolly Times.
July 16, 2005
Hops on board the "Harry Potter" gravy train with the release of "Muggles are People, Too." An inspirational DVD tour of mid-American truck stops and associated ladies of the night. Kids love it.
July 24, 2005
Wins seventh consecutive Tour de Frank, a 50-yard dash/stroll between Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs and a deserted A&W in Okolnona, Kentucky. Immediately signs two-figure endorsement deal with Gatorade.
August 12, 2005
Informed by a tenderly hostile Jack Palance that he does, indeed, need some fancy cologne to tell him he's a man, freaks out at idea of sentient perfume. Believe it or not.
August 28, 2005
Issues a moratorium on wackiness.
September 12, 2005
Rescinds moratorium; replaces Michael "Charlie" Brown as head of FILA. Fired three minutes later for Inappropriate Punniness after vowing to "get the Big Easy back on its feet - with these sweet, LeBron high-tops."
September 14, 2005
Buys Northwest and Delta Airlines for $257.33 and a six pack of Zima XXX.
October 3, 2005
Withdraws nomination to U.S. Supreme Court upon learning that retiring justice Carroll O'Connor is neither a justice, a woman or alive.
November 17, 2005
Wrassles Rep. John Murtha until Murtha agrees to stop doing commercials for Big Lots.
November 20, 2005
Helps quell French riots by promising the disenfranchised youths their very own chain of Stuckey's Roadside Diners and Shellacked Hillbilly Art Stores.
November 21, 2005
Realizing he has helped the French, flogs himself with a mime.
November 22, 2005
After 25 years on the air, retires as Ted Koppel's hairpiece.
December 8, 2005
Wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and packs in 2005 three and a half weeks ahead of schedule, receiving over $5 million in bonus money from Haliburton for getting the job done early.
January 1, 2006
Discovers that people born the year he graduated high school will be old enough to legally drive this year, gets shin implants to retain youthful appearance.
January 10, 2006
Throws down with Andy Willoughby after releasing a two-step home business plan.
February 4, 2006
Posts favorite "Bloom County" comic strip on blog, enraging Islamofascists worldwide for its portrayal of Bill the Cat as a "lackey of the Bush/Israel power axis" despite the fact that the strip originally ran in 1987. Protestors do concede that Opus the penguin is "blessed with the humor of an ugly virgin."
March 5, 2006
To chants of "Doogie rocks!" infiltrates 78th Oscar Ceremony. Accidentally gets some of Jake Gyllenhaal's ego on his shoe. Gyllenhaal remains moody, yet doleful.
March 16, 2006
After Hollywood runs out of movie stars, signs on to cast of "Oceans 13" as, according to director Steven Soderbergh, Matt Damon's "extremely fraternal twin brother."
April 1, 2006
Proving Aaron Neville to be a modern-day Nostradamus, becomes last person on earth to play the fool.
April 7, 2006
Resigns from "The View" to take over as Head Idiot With a Banner outside the "Today Show" studio windows. Speculation runs rampant in Denny's nationwide as to whether banner will say "Happy birthday, snookums!" or "John 3:15 is also a good verse!"
April 17, 2006
Though nowhere near London, somehow gets run over by a medicinally stoned George Michael.
April 18, 2006
Acts as screaming surrogate of silent Scientologist Katie Joey-Pacey-Holmes-Cruise as she gives birth to Suri Cruise-Hubbard. Papa Tom jumps on Oprah.
May 18, 2006
Joins high schoolers in Beverly Hills on a field trip to see Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." According to Al, it's highly inconvenient that he's not president and that Goobers do not come individually wrapped. Students produce some hydrocarbons just for fun.
June 1, 2006
Enters summer hibernation after ingesting 22 boxes of Ding Dongs, a quart of herbal tea and some random pill from the back of the medicine cabinet.
June 2, 2006
Ends hibernation to ingest one more box of Ding Dongs.
June 17, 2006
Fourteen months late, realizes that Mariah Carey and Mimi are the same person, fails to tie lineage back to Harry. Emancipation fails.
June 24, 2006
PastyFro™ accidentally identified as Saturn's 57th moon.
July 9, 2006
Ignores 8th consecutive World Cup final, celebrates with a deep breath.
July 22, 2006
Tears MCL attempting to rox0rz some sox0rz whilst chatting on lagunabeach.com.
July 28, 2006
Becomes 1,583rd Texan to spontaneously combust in 2006.
August 14, 2006
Plays a tiny violin when all 4.1 million copies of chick-lit tome "The Notebook" turn to ash when their Dell batteries spontaneously combust.
August 24, 2006
Upon hearing of Pluto's demotion from "planet" to "dirt clod," begins petition drive to award ninth planet status to Dom DeLuise. "Cannonball Run IV - The Road to Active Retirement Living" begins filming the next day.
September 11, 2006
Releases five-year-long clenching of buttocks.
September 18, 2006
Celebrates entering mid-30s; continues slow dancing with The Reaper.
September 29, 2006
Makes public plea to Hollywood wunderkind J.J. Abrams to not let disgraced Florida Senator Mark "Maybe I'm Scott" Foley's scandal put the kibosh on a "Felicity" reunion. In response, the "Mission: Impossible 3" director eats some leftover Suri Cruise placenta he had in a ZipLoc™ freezer bag. Tom Cruise remains odd.
October 9, 2006
Sells YooHooToob.com to Google for $1.65.
October 17, 2006
Convinces the Immigration and Naturalization Service to grant citizenship status to "political refugee Pancake J. Wonderdogski," thus making said Wonderdogski the 300 millionth United States citizen. Balloons ensue.
October 26, 2006
Fails in bid to convince Dubya that a border fence would look best with a mahogany stain.
November 7, 2006
November 20, 2006
As heir to the family media throne, finally uses power for good in getting Fox chairmen Rupert Murdoch to put the kibosh on O.J. Simpson's book "If I Did It." Instead, ReaganBooks publishes revelatory memoir "I Was a Teen-Aged Shoehorn." The book goes on to the crack the top 50,000 on Amazon.com.
December 14, 2006
Banned for life from Target stores after wishing a cashier "Merry Christmas, you godless heathen."
December 16, 2006
Lifetime ban at Target lifted upon proving that the cashier was, in fact, an animist. Or possibly Joy Behar.
December 30, 2006
Resists powerful urge to write sitcom entitled "Hangin' with Mr. Hussein."
January 4, 2007
Catches "Pelosi Fever." And not in a good way. Walgreens pharmacists unable to provide appropriate balm. Self-taxation ensues.
January 12, 2007
Seeking cool nicknames like ”Posh & Becks,” ”Brangelina” and ”Catherine Zeta-Jones & Geezerboy,” renames self and wife ”The Scarecrow & Mrs. King.” Upon hearing the news, a feisty Kate Jackson assaults the couple with a faux karate chop and a dried-up bottle of Aquanet™. Bruce Boxleitner replays ”Babylon 5” season 3 on his iPod.
January 24, 2007
Proposes a non-binding resolution to prohibit non-binding resolutions. A generation raised on Alanis Morrissette's ”Ironic” video fails to see the irony. Which is itself ironic. This irony also goes unnoticed. Etc.
January 27, 2007
Delivers State of the Onion address to pimply faced acolytes at the Fayetteville, Arkansas Chili's. Speech is cut short when a roving gang of Outback Steakhouse line cooks hurl flaming Bloomin’ Onions® through the front door, igniting the hostess’s bouffant hair. Volunteer fire brigade extinguishes ensuing wackiness.
February 2, 2007
In response to the always-to-be-trusted-without-question-don't-look-at-the-money-trail-what-are-you-insinuating United Nations' edict that men, women, children and a cross-dressing albino named Chet are responsible for global warming, roasts Puxatawney Phil over an open pit. Diddy changes his name to "Puxy P."
February 8, 2007
Accidentally dominates the San Antonio auditions for "American Idolatry" with a polkafied rendition of "When I'm Sixty-four." Ticket to Hollywood revoked when it is discovered that song is really a cry for help. And donuts.
February 11, 2007
Suit tossed due to inability to distinguish between Ryan Seacrest, Billy Bush and the Bush's Baked Beans guy.
February 15, 2007
Adds the U.S. Mint's new George Washington one-dollar coin to vast collection of useless, and mostly Canadian, currency.
February 28, 2007
Preemptively leaps to the year 2245, sees shadow, returns.
March 6, 2007
Weeps bitter, salty (with a twist of lime) tears upon learning of the conviction of Libby's Vienna Sausages in the Victoria "I thought covert and overt meant the same thing" Plame CIA-leak trial.
March 15, 2007
At a grand ceremony in the snack aisle of the neighborhood Sinclair gas station (between the Ho-Ho's and Toblerone), tearfully announces that current U.S. Attorney General "Fat" Alberto Gonzales has succeeded former AG Janet Reno as "most wienerific." Celebratory Icees ensue.
March 17, 2007
Two-day brain freeze thaws in time to ward off organ-harvesting leprechauns.
April 1, 2007
Helps parents celebrate 40th wedding anniversary with a 40-year-old carton of Marlboro Ultra Lights. Parents regret having stayed together for the sake of children.
April 6, 2007
Upon learning of U.N.'s report on global warming, implores the people of the world to "be more like George Hamilton and embrace the leatherification process of good ol' Sol."
April 12, 2007
Fails to pay attention to the Don Imus thing.
April 18, 2007
In response to the Atomic Energy Commission's confirmation that Iran is enriching uranium declares, "Duh."
April 23, 2007
After Boris Yeltsin dies, releases moose and squirrel back into the wild.
April 28, 2007
Clubbed like a baby seal by Amnesty International members.
May 2, 2007
Rocks a polkarific version of Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name" to an adoring "Family Room Idol" crowd.
May 7, 2007
Reveals self to be Dannielynn Smith Birkhead Stern's "second cousin twice removed by way of Zsa Zsa's husband, the prince, assuming some of the rumors pan out."
May 15, 2007
Claiming their names and hair are too similar for an easily confused public to accept, convinces Denise Richards and Richie Sambora to give up custody of Richard Simmons.
May 21, 2007
Presents merchandising opportunity to "Transformers" director Michael Bay, who physically wretches at the idea of "Sub-Optimus Prime Loans." U.N. observers consider this inadequate payback for the crime against Gaia that is "Pearl Harbor."
May 23, 2007
Opens major motion picture event "Pirates of the Allegheny: The Search for Bill Mazeroski." Hundreds of film critics salute the film with up-lifted digits, very few of which are thumbs.
June 7, 2007
Photographs Eurohippies at the G8 summit with a Canon G7 connected to an aging Powerbook G4 using an even more ancient puck mouse from an original G3 iMac. Sadly, does not fly home on a Gulfstream G2.
June 8, 2007
Continues watching Tinkerbell the Chihuahua while her owner gets some much-needed alone time.
June 28, 2007
Despite years of incoherent mumbling, gets labeled as one of the "loud folk" by Senator Lindsey Wagner Graham. Nonetheless, Senator Grahamnesty's "Borders Without Borders" legislation dies from the stench of Ted Kennedy's rotting moral fiber.
July 10, 2007
Lets it roll. Down the highway.
July 14, 2007
Skips the wedding of Rebecca "Not the Lettuce" Romijn and Jerry O'Connell for fear of "offending the mighty, mighty hair of The Stamos." Instead, sends the couple a DVD of "Stand By Me 2: The Leeching." Their thank-you card gets lost in the mail.
July 31, 2007
Outbids Geritol-enhanced mogul Rupert Murdoch for control of the Davey Jones Stock Market and Pudding Emporium. Deal falls apart upon missing the last train to Clarksville.
August 8, 2007
Openly weeps at the dissolution of the marriage between Senator Larry "Toe Tappin'" Craig and diet guru Jenny. Stress-eats a case of I Can't Believe It's Not Fabio.
August 14, 2007
Does not bet on, watch or think about an NBA game for the 419th consecutive month.
August 29, 2007
Eschews watching the season two premiere of "Scott Baio is 45...and Single" to watch "Willie Aames is 47...and Still Goes by Willie" at ZappedTheMovie.com.
September 18, 2007
Painfully enters a new demographic. Starts paying attention to Flomax ads. Refuses to viva Viagra.
October 5, 2007
Upon hearing track-star-slash-recreational-roid-enthusiast Marion Jones admit to using performance-enhancing drugs, makes 3,093rd "juice is loose" joke since June 12, 1994. Starburst officials remain unamused, yet chewy.
October 12, 2007
Challenges fellow Nobel laureate Algore to explain why, if global warming exists, do pants sales remain high? In response, Gore sprouts a fourth chin.
October 28, 2007
Attends a Jonas Brothers/Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana/Black Sabbath concert for "research."
November 4, 2007
Beats the writers' strike deadline and completes short-awaited "Gomer Pyle vs. Predator" screenplay.
November 5, 2007
Goes on strike against employer. State of self-employment causes brainfreeze.
November 9, 2007
Brain thaws. No one notices.
November 19, 2007
Does not become America's Next Top Model. Immediately applies for America's Next Yo-Yo Model.
December 2, 2007
Uses lankiness to surprising advantage in dominating the season finale of "Armenian Gladiators." A Mark Goodson Television Production.
December 19, 2007
Dedicates self to finally learning the correct pronunciation of "Shia LaBeouf."
January 11, 2008
Applies Head-On headache balm to left buttock.
January 27, 2008
Trademarks the term Poosplosion™.
February 12, 2008
Marks the end of the writers' strike by not selling a screenplay.
February 19, 2008
Resigns as president of Cuba Gooding Jr.; brother Raul declines to take over duties citing "more oppressive opportunities in the Caribbean; plus, that whole 'Boat Trip' thing."
February 29, 2008
Leaps before looking.
March 16, 2008
Purchases teetering securities firm Bear Stearns for $39.99 in cash, a "Wall Street" DVD, sixteen VGC Garbage Pail Kids cards from 1983 and a hamster named Mr. Poofles.
March 17, 2008
Names Mr. Poofles as CEO of Bear Stearns. In response, world markets issue a collective "meh."
April 7, 2008
On a crisp, clear day some might describe as "fair," celebrates the Kansas Jayhawks' victory in something called the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship.
April 20, 2008
Inoculates self against Danica Fever by wearing Wranglers, chugging some Amp energy drink and getting "Little E for President" tattooed in the "buttockular regions."
April 28, 2008
Shoots controversial spread for "Vanity Fair" featuring a semi-mulletted Billy Ray Cyrus and a passel of underage lemurs.
May 3, 2008
After Microsoft withdraws its bid, mistakenly buys Yahoo to gain "the dark secrets of their chocolaty elixir of the gods."
May 4, 2008
After Googling Yahoo and discovering it does not make Yoohoo, sells company to Rupert Murdoch because he'll buy anything.
May 22, 2008
Drops it like it's hot. Picks it up when it cools. Emails joke back to 2004.
May 30, 2008
Builds the bridge to nowhere. Made a god by residents of Nowhere.
June 9, 2008
Wonders why the media basically ignores the devastating Midwest floods. Move along to the next entry if you want a joke.
June 26, 2008
Celebrates five months of double fatherhood with a double nap. Two full minutes of blissful, blissful semi-sleep.
June 27, 2008
Retires from day-to-day work at Microsoft to spend more time counting the billions and billions of bugs in Vista.
July 18, 2008
Forcibly removed from screening of "The Dark Knight" after repeatedly and loudly asking, "When did George Clooney and Maggie Gyllencruise get hitched?"
July 22, 2008
Refuses to buy iPhone 3G insisting that the iPhone 4G will allow time travel, dimensional shifting and unfettered access to MileyCyrus.com.
August 1, 2008
Gets all up in his own grill and makes some darned tasty burgers.
August 17, 2008
Breaks Michael Phelps's minutes-old record by winning 9 gold medals in a single Olympics. Sadly, the IOC, ESPN and The Costas refuse to recognize the "The First Quadrennial Olympiad of Pastiness, its chosen venue of Applebee's or the 'sport' of Flair Baiting."
September 1, 2008
Receives NEA grant to sculpt "The Obamanible Snowman" from recycled lotto tickets, Chiclet wrappers and some sticky stuff found on the corner in front of that one house down the street. No, the one next to that one.
September 7, 2008
Celebrates five years of holy matrimony by changing five diapers full of wedded bliss by-products.
September 10, 2008
Implicated in scandal-ridden report on the Department of the Interior as being responsible for "the scourge of popcorn ceilings and laminate flooring."
September 30, 2008
Forced to return $39,999,920 of bailout money due to "inappropriate bedazzling of alpacas, gnus and other possibly mythical creatures."
October 2, 2008
Proves to a slack-jawed-yet-stylishly-coiffed Geraldo Rivera that Joe Biden is - like Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber, Joe Schmoe and Joe Camel - a guy named Joe.
October 15, 2008
Weeps for 18 hours upon hearing of the dissolution of Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s Kabbalacular marriage and the apparent abandonment of "Swept Away 2: The Dyson Conspiracy."
October 19, 2008
Gets subpoenaed to appear before a Congressional oversight committee investigating the overuse subpoenas by Congressional oversight committees in lieu of actually voting on stuff. Excused from appearing when all eight committee members get subpoenaed to appear on "Hardball."
October 31, 2008
Goes trick-or-treating as a sound bite. Gets picked up by the AP.
November 5, 2008
Discovers car engines need some sort of conversion before they will run on hope. Then remembers he works from home.
November 18, 2008
Introduces world to alter ego "Shoehorn Fierce." Drops hot track "Shingle Ladies (Put an Ointment On It)" to a rave review.
November 26, 2008
Making sure his portfolio will still be worth a hill of beans, pulls all money out of the stock market and buys a largish mound of pinto beans outside of Waxahachie, Texas, that has averaged an 8.8% gain over 22 years.
December 1, 2008
After 17 years of research, reveals that a woodchuck can chuck 23.7 chucks an hour if said woodchuck is actually Chuck Norris.
December 11, 2008
Wonders how Bernie Madoff could’ve fooled so many people into participating in a Potsie scheme. Immediately begins development of a more powerful Ralph the Mouth investment opportunity.
December 16, 2008
To save money, goes ahead and calls it a year.
January 14, 2009
Takes over day-to-day operations of Apple from Steve Jobs as Jobs seeks treatment for a "mildly annoying bout of turtleneck addiction and possibly consumption."
January 16, 2009
Inspired by the likes of Captain Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger and other guys with cool, quote-encapsulated nicknames, successfully pilots a U.S. penny to a water landing in a fountain down at the local Olive Garden. Unlimited breadsticks ensue.
January 26, 2009
Celebrates one year of double fatherhood with a double shot of Desitin. Emerges victorious over chafing for the first time in 36 years.
February 1, 2009
Decides to "do the double" and fails to win both the Australian Open and Super Bowl in the same day.
February 6, 2009
Preemptively withdraws name from consideration for any cabinet post for any administration ever and quits paying income taxes. Willie Nelson sends a congratulatory, biofuel-powered hookah.
February 9, 2009
Confuses local Walgreen's pharmacist by asking which type of Preparation H works best on "A-Roids." Eventually chooses honey-lemon.
February 22, 2009
Spends sleepless night bathed in canned flop sweat attempting to figure out what Wolverine was doing singing and dancing like a jacked-up wallaby at the Oscars.
March 6, 2009
Unemployment rate remains at 100%.
March 9, 2009
Relieved to discover bona fide hottie wife does not have a tapeworm but is, instead, pregnant with pauses. And a baby.
March 15, 2009
Causes riot while in line for "America's Next Top Model Airplane Builder."
April 3, 2009
Decides to "break off a piece" and spends three days on set of "Nipsey Russell/Tucker Carlson" trying to get said piece reattached.
April 12, 2009
Nips it in the bud. Promptly sued by David Faustino and a marijuana plant.
April 26, 2009
Refusing to be intimidated by any disease that can be slow-smoked over a hickory pit, Hosts First Annual Swine Flu Barbecue and Croup Chili Cook-Off.
May 7, 2009
Stress test performed courtesy of Treasury Secretary Tim "Silent But Deadly" Geithner reveals need for a Deepak ChOprah meditation CD and some alone time with a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
May 20, 2009
Announces discovery of fossilized proto-human "Ore" as the 23,563rd official "missing link" and brother to "Ida" whom scientists had unveiled the day before. Slope-headed lovers of crinkly fries ugh their enthusiasm.
May 29, 2009
After accidentally tuning into the not-really last broadcast of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" is heard muttering, "When did Doc Severinsen get a hold of some 'Soul Man' pills?"
June 8, 2009
Wanders into North Korean grocery store and buys some Kim Jong Il Super Secret Flat Noodles of Our Glorious Leader. Sentenced to 12 years gastrointestinal discomfort.
June 13, 2009
Ends Man-sticking charade and orders Ultimate Mega Bungle Bundle from AT&TimeWarcast for just $299.99/month plus $19.99/month for HD plus $9.99/month for 1080HD plus $4.99/month bill translation service. Commences Bit Torrenting the complete works of one H.R. Pufnstuf.
June 19, 2009
Gets high on life. Discovers "life" is actually a new synthetic form of rock marijuana that is also known as "Hard Mary," "Pop Rocks" and "Arnold Drummond."
June 26, 2009
Following the death of beloved monkey enthusiast Michael Jackson, declares self to be Pastiest Man in the World Except For That One Guy on YouTube Who's Super Creepy. No one challenges this statement.
July 4, 2009
Though only watching the Wimbledon final on TV some 4,800 miles (220,000 km) away, suffers crushed larynx at the vestigial hands of Serena Williams's left thigh.
July 9-31, 2009
Goes on walkabout at a North Dallas DSW.
August 6, 2009
In honor of the departed John Hughes, goes and fixes himself a turkey potpie.
August 18, 2009
Officially becomes 2,538th in line to succeed Paula Abdul in the role of Incoherent Judge on "America's Next Top Idol Who Can't Think or Dance."
August 25, 2009
Upon hearing the White House Office of Management and Budget's estimate that the 10-year budget deficit will be $9 trillion, sells soul to J.G. Wentworth for 9 trillion pesos.
September 13, 2009
Pulls a "Kanye" at the UHF Channel 62 Video Technicians Awards ceremony by stealing the mic from emcee Alan Thicke and declaring, "Mort Tricklish is the best CRT gun aligner of all time." Thicke responds by adjusting the vertical hold on his toupee.
September 15, 2009
Finds a random baby at the mall and puts it in a corner. Adjusts nickname to Dalton Shoehorn. Refuses, however, to star in a web "movie" with Brian Bonsall.
October 9, 2009
Wins fourth Nobel Prize, but first in the field of Potentially Doing Something at an Undetermined Future Date But That Will Undoubtedly Rock Hard Although Not Necessarily in a Good Way.
October 15, 2009
Uncovers evidence that the 30,000 jobs claimed to have been saved by the President's stimulus package are all some sort of White House policy czar including Animal Cracker Czar; Twitter Retweeting Czar; and Czar to the Stars, aka Hugo Chavez.
October 29, 2009
Always on the bleeding edge of pandemics, opts to get vaccinated against equine flu. Starts hanging out with John Elway.
November 13, 2009
After a NASA probe discovers 26 gallons of water on the moon, sells 2,488 liters of "Dasani Lunar Lava with Hints of Lavender" to gullible members of the Plano (TX) Crystal Bouffant Society.
November 20, 2009
After 25 years, finally emerges victorious in the War on Oprah. Vows to continue fighting to keep daytime free of "all things Rosie."
November 27, 2009
Attempts to jog off the previous evening's turducken bomb interrupted by a careening Cadillac Escalade piloted by a shaken, glassy-eyed Tom Watson who insists he is being chased by Jack Nicklaus's titanium hip. Placates the former Master's champ with a slightly moist "Augusta Green" headband.
December 24, 2009
After ingesting two tubs of Muscle Milk, fourteen boxes of Little Debbie Star Crunches and six gallons of high fructose corn syrup, declares self a sovereign island free from the jurisdiction of Obamacare. Minutes later, changes designation from "island" to "oral volcano."
December 25, 2009
Celebrates another Charlie Sheen-free Christmas by tossing semi-holy water onto a stack of "Two and a Half Men" DVDs and cozying up around the ensuing fire. The Aspen city jail is not so blessed.
January 3, 2010
Learns the only way to win at Chatroulette is to not play Chatroulette. Adjusts nickname to Goodtime WOPR.
January 24, 2010
Mourns the death of Pernell "Trapper John, Jr." Roberts. Goes on a Pert & Purell cocktail bender with Hugh Laurie.
February 9, 2010
Picks Team Coco over Team Leno based on the former's "ability to create tasty - yet mouth-lacerating - breakfast cereals."
February 12, 2010
Celebrates the opening of the 21st Winter Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia, by partying with one Ewan Valequez. Think about it.
March 7, 2010
At the 82nd Academy Awards, protests Bruce Villanche's continued presence as head writer by consuming fourscore and two Oscar Meyer wieners. Later, misses Kathryn Bigelow's acceptance speech due to a medical condition known as Brandobloat.
March 10, 2010
Invites Ed Herrmann in.
April 11, 2010
Mistakenly awarded novelty check and green jacket instead of rightful Master's champion Phil Mickelson by Augusta National chairman William "Billy" "Billmont" "Billford" Payne because "all lefties look alike."
April 23, 2010
Moves to Arizona, builds a condo made of stone-a.
May 13, 2010
Loses out to actor/marine geologist Kevin Costner in finale of "America's Next Top Mad Scientist with Awesome Hair" by suggesting BP oil leak can be plugged with 99% shearings from Carrot Top and 1% Gallagher.
May 22, 2010
Confuses "al fresco" for "au naturel" and is escorted from Denny's after ordering a "Moons Over My Moon, if ya know what I mean."
June 11, 2010
Attempting to ride the vuvuzela craze, creates iPhone app iBugles. Failing to adequately capture excitement of America's 48th-most popular corn chip, is sentenced by Steve Jobs to wear only mock turtlenecks.
June 16, 2010
Stuns E3 Expo crowd with stunningly realistic Fractalized™ Fro. Slobbers one stunned gamer, "It's stunning in its sheen, volume and gouraud shading. If it were anywhere close to a woman, I'd date it. Which would also be stunning."
June 28, 2010
Sips some sizzurp that expired in October 2000. Yeah. Yeah.
July 9, 2010
Defeats wife in championship game of footsie and learns meaning behind "won the battle but lost the war."
July 22, 2010
Attempts to wrangle a Rangel end with a pair of wrinkled Wranglers. Promptly run over by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in a Jeep Cherokee.
August 11, 2010
Pulls coccyx attempting to shift an engorged paradigm that was blocking the driveway.
August 13, 2010
Accidentally logs onto MySpace, spends three days dotting i's with hearts.
August 22, 2010
Overtakes Kevin Costner as go-to-hair-model-with-scientific-inclinations by producing a 12-megaton roll of Bounty paper towels.
September 1, 2010
Disheartened by admission from rapper T.I. that his initials do not stand for Texas Instruments.
September 13, 2010
After saving Saints running back Reggie Bush from a particularly menacing piece of gristle, receives 2010 Heimlich Award for efforts.
October 2, 2010
Upon hearing the U.K.'s decision to recognize Druidry as a bona fide religion, reinstates movement to rename Christmas "Pagan Smackdown Day."
October 8, 2010
Learns the correct pronunciation of Favre is actually "pantsless."
October 13, 2010
Rescues 33 minors from an abandoned Chili's.
October 22, 2010
Sends the Wikileaks gang a case of Flomax and a homemade kegel exercises video.
November 2, 2010
After winning a congressional seat in 14 states, annoys Chris "Tingly Legs" Matthews by answering every question with "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." Jonathan Frakes keeps the beard.
November 7, 2010
Reports Queen Elizabeth II to Facebook authorities for "overzealous poking and posting of Chumbawumba videos."
November 16, 2010
Loses office Royal Wedding Pool when Prince William chooses Kate Middleton over Baby Spice.
November 28, 2010
Learns a hospital is a big building with patients.
December 3, 2010
Takes delivery of Nissan Twig electric shrub. Spends 36 hours attempting to pair it with an iPhone. Settles on pairing it with a nice Chablis.
December 25, 2010
Sticks it to Richard Dawkins. Postpones sticking it to Christopher Hitchens until Easter.
December 31, 2010
Armed with a sling and 5,000 smooth stones, takes out a like number of red-winged blackbirds in Beebe, Arkansas.
January 20, 2011
After failing to check facts on Google, plays “Dark Side of the Moon” in honor of Jimmy Page’s son becoming CEO of said search engine/privacy squasher.
January 25, 2011
Announces plan to reduce household deficit by $4 over the next ten years just as soon as those Kenny Rogers commemorative “Gambler IV” plates are paid off.
February 10, 2011
Walks into Verizon store and promptly purchases the newly released Motorola HASBN.
February 16, 2011
Fails at attempt to care while Jimmy cracks corn.
February 25, 2011
Discovers Charlie Sheen’s Tiger Blood is nothing more than Tang and V8 and that “winning” is defined as the ability to projectile vomit into the next county.
March 6, 2011
For 24 solid hours, walks like an Egyptian as a show of solidarity with Susanna Hoffs and the other Bangles whose names no one recalls.
March 11, 2011
Unlike the Aflac duck, knows when to pray instead of joke.
March 12, 2011
Attempts to lock out NFL star Peyton Manning from his stash of Dean’s French Onion Dip prove futile. Brother Eli, however, is kept at bay.
March 19, 2011
Imposes a no-fly zone over his barbecued baked beans.
April 5, 2011
Stops into a gentrified Pigglesworth Wigglesworth for a can of Pringles and accidentally wins the entire brand from Procter & Gamble after checking in on Foursquare.
April 15, 2011
Pays down some federal debt from August 1967.
April 27, 2011
Following the President’s lead, produces birth certificate to receive a free round at Swervin’ Irvin’s Putt-Putt and Go-Kart Golf Resort and Small Engine Repair.
May 1, 2011
Hugs a SEAL.
May 2, 2011
Hugs a sea lion.
May 3, 2011
Hugs a walrus.
May 5, 2011
Ends hugging spree to the relief of enlisted troops, sea mammals and senior PGA pros worldwide.
May 19, 2011
Once again lands at number 101 on Forbes magazine’s annual Celebrity 100 Power List.
June 3, 2011
Declares candidacy for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination vowing to go hairdo-y-hairdo against Mitt “The Charlestown Coif” Romney.
June 12, 2011
As Dallas Mavericks win the NBA title, becomes basketball fan for 3.2 seconds.
June 16, 2011
After viewing 1,739 Weiner-based puns, finds and tasers one Oscar B. Mayer of Little Elm, Texas.
July 8, 2011
Denied Space Shuttle crew member status for 135th consecutive time. Mourns lost chance to study effects of zero gravity on white boy afros.
July 30, 2011
Accepts commission to paint the national debt ceiling a lovely mauve.
August 1, 2011
Walks off debt ceiling job upon discovery that payment would be made in the form of a quarter ton of government cheese and a pirate hat full of “Pelosi Doubloons.”
August 5, 2011
Thanks to numbers obtained from freecreditreport.com, becomes chief bond issuer to the personal staff of Timothy “The Goiter” Geithner.
August 13, 2011
Wins Iowa Republican Straw Poll with a quintuple-loop crazy straw requiring the sucking power of 14 Dyson vacuum cleaners. Also, it’s fried.
August 15, 2011
Sells Motorola Mobility to Google for a number that seems fictitious. Larry and Sergey appear strangely giddy over the box of old StarTACs they receive 4-6 weeks later plus S+H.
September 18, 2011
Commences the year-long countdown to buying an inappropriate motor vehicle or chest hair transplants.
September 28, 2011
Credits outstanding posture in winning the National League Wild Card race over a severely slumping Atlanta Braves team.
October 5, 2011
Kills John "PC" Hodgman.
October 20, 2011
Grateful that the long, international nightmare of how to spell Qaddhafi/Qaddafi/Gaddafi/Kaddafi/Khadafy/Qadhafi/Qadaffi/Gadaffi is finally over, assumes no one read entry from March 20, 2011.
October 31, 2011
Makes mental note to not wear a light blue Metallica T-shirt when taking the kiddos trick-or-treating after 43rd passerby remarks, “Nice costume, Beavis.”
November 16, 2011
Joins Team Edward Jones.
November 17, 2011
Fired from Team Edward Jones for attempting to sell mutual funds whilst shirtless. Claims of lycanthropy fail to sway EEOC.
November 21, 2011
Serves notice of copyright infringement to the Congressional Supercommittee, forcing the debt-reduction panel to refer to itself as The Big Game Where Everyone Loses.
December 9, 2011
Attempts to tap the pint-sized spy movie market with the release of “Tinker, Toys, Tater, Tot.” Learns Gary Oldman frightens children of all ages.
December 15, 2011
Preemptively breaks up with J-Lo, assuring no “journalist” will ever type the name J-Lo-J-Fo in mock amusement.
December 20, 2011
Fails to secure DVD-release deal for self-produced “Guy with the Dragon-Shaped Tattoo Removal Scar.”
January 9, 2012
Cracks the BCS ranking code and makes Longview Community College the year’s Division I champions in football, lacrosse, air hockey, loogie flinging and synchronized jonesing.
February 5, 2012
Trademarks the phrase “the big game,” forcing advertisers to now use the phrase “that thing with the ball that Lucy keeps pulling away from Charlie Brown and has a lot of ads that used to be cool until everyone leaked them on YouTube.”
February 26, 2012
Spends 18 hours watching “When Harry Met Dr. Sally Albright, Plastic Surgeon.”
March 6, 2012
Encourages Mitt, Rick, Newt, Ron and other monosyllabic GOP primary contenders to declare the day Middling Monday in order to make Tuesday seem that much more super.
March 8, 2012
Celebrates Spanx-founder Sara Blakely’s becoming the youngest self-made female billionaire by cling-wrapping self and sliding into a size 18x34-inch pair of Buddy Lee-era, can’t-bust-em Lee Dungarees.
March 12, 2012
Inspired by Jennifer “Katniss Doublemint Evergreen Pauladeen Everdeen” Lawrence, enjoys a delightful squirrel kabob.
March 28, 2012
Questions legality of Supreme Court’s decision to not announce ruling on Obamacare until June due to one justice allegedly having “too much Bader and not enough Ginsberg.”
April 1, 2012
As the subject of 99% of Taylor Swift’s songs, named Co-Entertainer of the Year at the Academy of Country Music Awards Mid-Southwest Region.
April 14, 2012
Upon discovering the Secret Service’s secret, speaks for the nation in a regionally forwarded tweet that reads, “Nasty. And not in a cool, honey badger kind of way.”
April 26, 2012
Once again fails to be taken in the NFL draft despite changing name to “Jim Brown.” As a consolation gift, his children award him a brand-new bag.
May 2, 2012
Pulls a Gingrich. Unable to find a suitable salve.
May 4, 2012
Disappointed to discover Alan Alda is not in “The Avengers.” Hulks out, Bixby style.
May 21, 2012
In response to a government study claiming prostate exams may cause more harm than good, decides it’s okay to turn 40 this year.
June 5, 2012
Happy to see cheddar win the Wisconsin state cheese recall election over a surprisingly popular and robustly stinky 2003 episode of “According to Jim.”
June 11, 2012
Confuses Roland Garros for Roland Orzabal and is ejected from the French Open finals for continuing to shout and shout whilst letting it all out.
June 17, 2012
Congratulates the people of Greece on electing their 423rd coalition government in as many days by sending the populace a starter spice packet for stone soup.
July 1, 2012
Craving free a/c in the midst of another Texas heat wave, moves family into the back of the Wetzel’s Pretzels in the Stonebriar Centre shopping mall.
August 1, 2012
Unable to reconcile the spelling of “Centre” with MLA standards, abandons Wetzel’s Pretzels spider hole with 18 pounds of salt in tow.
August 11, 2012
Passed over as a vice presidential running mate by Romney campaign on grounds that one great head of hair is already too distracting for some voters.
August 17, 2012
Convicted of hooliganism by the ultra-statist residents of Palookaville.
September 18, 2012
Turns 40. Paunchiness ensues.
September 22, 2012
After months of uncertainty, finally releases StewPat Thick ’n’ Meaty to an exultant public. Early Twitter reviews claiming the robust canned goodness is actually more Bland ’n’ Sullen send sales skyrocketing amongst goths in trees.
October 3, 2012
Pulls out a surprise victory in the first presidential debate by promising to “finally bring full transparency to so-called transparent tape.”
October 5, 2012
Celebrates Global James Bond day by changing name to Octoshoehorn.
November 5, 2012
Moves family to Omaha, Nebraska, on purpose.
November 6, 2012
Curses the low-information hippie possums.
November 29, 2012
Sprains nasal cartilage while fiscal cliff diving.
December 3, 2012
Takes the 12,000,000,000:1 odds that Prince William and Princess Catherine will name their pending spawn Andrew Capp Windsor.
December 19, 2012
Worldwide helium shortage forces cancellation of proposed Annual Talk Like a Munchkin Day and Parade. Rumors of widespread attacks by the Lollipop Gang proved founded.
December 23, 2012
Accidentally clicks on an online banner ad and instantly starts saving money on insurance and mortgage rates while one weird trick eliminates stubborn belly fat and hair loss.
January 7, 2013
Fails to convince Trader Joe’s to offer Three Buck Chuck and a Bagel combo deal in honor of Defense Secretary nominee Chuck Hagel. The chic grocer instead releases Jay Carney’s Salted Caramels to a smattering of golf claps.
January 15, 2013
Tearfully admits to a beatific Oprah that he was “on the juice” for all seven of his “Tour de Donut” championships at the Love’s Travel Stop in Davenport, Iowa. Said “juice” revealed to be a special blend of cranberry, pomegranate and “something this dude in a wicked-cool Mack gave me.”
February 11, 2013
Attempts to submit resume for now-vacant papacy thwarted by LinkedIn’s pay-to-play InMail system.
February 15, 2013
Freaks out millions of dash-cam weilding Russians with an errant maiden launch of Kickstarter purchase iComet.
February 28, 2013
Resigns as the IVth Pope of Greenwich Village.
March 5, 2013
Fails to mourn death of Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez, opting instead to mourn the loss of new jokes about Sean Penn loving Hugo Chavez.
March 18, 2013
Buys Olympian/Tiger Woods aficiondo Lindsey Vonn a 1-iron.
April 1, 2013
Pulls the best April Fools’ Day joke of all time on North Korean dictator/marshmallow enthusiast Kim Jong-un by promising the gelatinous strongman a container car of plutonium and instead delivering two container cars of “Pluto Nash” DVDs and a pirated copy of “Shaun T’s Insanity Workout.”
April 8, 2013
Finally gives up dream of becoming adopted grandson of Margaret Thatcher. In remembrance, has “Iron Shoehorn” tattooed on southeast quadrant of a random glute.
April 14, 2013
Wins Venezuelan presidential election to replace dearly departed Hugo Chavez with a plurality of votes. Withdraws during victory speech declaring, “Sorry, but I’m a one-wife kinda guy.”
May 4, 2013
After 16 years of intense training, finally wins the Kentucky Fried Chicken Derby and Bloat-Off.
June 2, 2013
After learning that the Taliban has opened an office in Qatar, goes on a copy-and-fax strike at the local FedEx Office. Chants of “death to cover pages” fail to stir anyone into action.
June 6, 2013
Introduces bean-spiller Edward “The Temp” Snowden to bean-splitter Edward “The Equalizer” Woodward, who died in 2009.
June 15, 2013
In celebration of the birth of North West, creates mashup of “North by Northwest,” Kanye’s “Gold Digger,” and 1.2 million booty selfies.
July 5, 2013
Named interim president of Egypt after defeating now-has-been Mohammed Morsi in a tense game of “Card Sharks.”
July 18, 2013
Assumes ownership of Detroit Rock City in exchange for a $50 Amazon gift card and a 1973 Ford Pinto station wagon with faux wood paneling.
July 19, 2013
Returns Detroit to Costco because they’ll take back anything. Claims subsequent massive purchase of Skippy and Charmin is unrelated.
September 7, 2013
Celebrates 10 years of wedded bliss with a 25-year-old Hostess Choco Bliss.
September 8, 2013
Celebrates 10 hours of vomiting.
September 30, 2013
Speaking from the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives that he is supposed to be buffing, threatens to shut down the government by rubbing a balloon on its last working TRS-80 computer.
October 22, 2013
Officially changes the family surname to “Kimye” after wife endures one last question about being “Megan Fox.”
October 29, 2013
Fails to convince the now bro-free Kevin Jonas to front reformed-and-rechristened reggae group The Whalers.
December 19, 2013
Insistence on using “The Price is Right”-style giant checks at Target finally vindicated when the company announces more than 40 million credit cards numbers used at its stores have been sold to hackers for six bitcoins and a handful of magic beans.
December 23, 2013
Fixes Healthcare.gov by deleting Flash.
January 1, 2014
Though living in Omaha, gets contact high from westerly winds.
January 17, 2014
Removes tape from laptop webcam after President Obama promises that the NSA finds pastiness too unattractive to surveil.
February 4, 2014
Defeats the Polar Vortex with a 12-year-old pair of Old Navy performance fleece sweatpants.
February 7, 2014
Slips on driveway and takes bronze in the 2014 Winter Doofus Olympics.
February 12, 2014
Banned from Omaha Public Library system for attempting to “luge the stacks.”
March 2, 2014
Takes home 23rd consecutive technical Oscar® in the category Best Human White Balance Card.
March 22, 2014
Lures Russian-backed separatists out of Crimea with two cases of black market lip balm and season passes to Yakov Smirnoff’s theater in Branson, Missouri.
April 1, 2014
During congressional hearings on slothful recalls, grills General Motors CEO Mary Barra a perfect rib eye. Harry “The Treadmill” Reid remains a goober.
April 11, 2014
Takes over as Secretary of Health and Human Services when it is revealed that ex-Secretary Kathleen Sibelius is in truth a sickly robot.
April 21, 2014
Despite near-freezing temperatures and a lack of oxygen, survives 5-hour flight from San Jose to Maui folded origami-style into the Economy+ seat of a Boeing 767.
May 5, 2014
Buys Secretary of State John Kerry a t-shirt that reads “Stop! Or I’ll yell ‘stop’ again!” Shirt becomes a best seller on CafePress.com with sales totaling in the high single digits.
May 31, 2014
Facilitates prisoner swap with the Taliban, receiving Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl in exchange for two third round draft picks to be named later, Al Roker, and cash.
June 6, 2014
Secures private screening of “The Fault in Our Stars” after having the rest of the audience removed for Snapchatting.
July 11, 2014
Responds to news of LeBron “King of the Hair Club for Men” James rejoining the Cleveland Cavaliers of the National Basketball Association with tween-worthy eye roll.
August 1, 2014
After a pruning incident involving one Groot G. McGrooterson, demoted to Guardian of the Samsung Galaxy S4.
August 11, 2014
Teaches offspring the official Orkan handshake.
August 23, 2014
Sells $3.15 worth of Gary “U.S.” Bonds memorabilia to Goldman Sachs.
September 4, 2014
iCloud photo library remains depressingly unleaked.
September 25, 2014
Upon Eric Holder’s resignations, ascends to the rank of U.S. Attorney Corporal Fourth Class.
October 11, 2014
Pushes NHTSA to include every cable news talking head in the Takata airbag recall fun. Also suggests the agency get a better acronym.
October 29, 2014
Curses Joe Buck. #foreverroyal
November 3, 2014
Unable to be in NYC, celebrates opening of One World Trade Center by drinking 1,776 ounces of Royal Crown Cola and then depositing 1,773 of those ounces somewhere in The Village.
November 4, 2014
Admits to having no clue as to what “The Village” is.
November 5, 2014
Admits to having watched M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Village” at least three-quarters of the way through.
November 12, 2014
Saddened to see the folks from Rosetta Stone language-learning software have managed to harass a mute comet.
November 24, 2014
Takes $671 hit on unsold “Chuck Hagel is my Defense Homeboy” swag.
December 7, 2014
As a welcoming gesture to the visiting Prince William and Duchess Kate, offers to babysit their eight children with the exception “that one prone to giving the ol’ stink eye.”
December 19, 2014
Gives up quest to finish screening of “The Hobbit: The Yadda Yadda Yadda.”
December 24, 2014
Hits up the Kwik Stop for the traditional purchasing of jerky-flavored stocking stuffers and off-brand D-cell batteries.
January 4, 2015
Turns back on NYC Mayor Bill “The Blahs” de Blasio in failed effort to safeguard a bag of Dolly Madison Donut Gems.
January 23, 2015
Due to a mix-up on Ancestry.com, becomes King Shoehornallah of Saudi Arabia.
January 26, 2015
Regrets giving his twin whackadoodles drones for their seventh birthdays when they instantly land their new crafts on the White House lawn instead of fetching biscuits from Chick-fil-A.
February 4, 2015
Beaten to a pulp by one Wilma “The Hurricane” Katrinavich as NBC hair model Brian Williams looks on.
February 13, 2015
Defeats terrorism, bigotry, hunger, inequality, scoliosis and acid reflux with the hashtag #hugs.
February 22, 2015
Discovers a second “new” manuscript from “To Kill a Mockingbird” author Harper Lee entitled “Go Set the Tivo to Record Steve Harvey Because That Man is High-larious.”
March 3, 2015
Accidentally mispronounces Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s name as “Benetton Nosferatu.” Mossad agents are not amused. Well, maybe a little.
March 4, 2015
High-centers a 1973 AMC Pacer on a parking pylon outside a White House Black Market retail establishment. Finds the strength to enjoy some froyo from the TCBY next door.
April 5, 2015
Taken to the emergency room after twisting tongue into sixteen alpine butterfly loop knots while attempting to pronounce “Mike Krzyzewski.”
April 12, 2015
Announces candidacy for the presidency of the “1992 Rulez Club & Appreciation Society of Embarrass, Minnesota (South Side).”
April 17, 2015
Declares “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2” to be “‘The Empire Strikes Back’ of ‘Paul Blart’ movies if ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ had been a Pauly Shore vehicle.”
May 1, 2015
Disappointed to learn that “Avengers: Age of Ultron” cannot even be considered a spiritual successor to “Voltron: Defender of the Universe” even though Mark Ruffalo kind of looks like a grown-up Pidge.
May 6, 2015
Found guilty of deflating own ego for 21 straight years by remaining in the ad industry.
May 16, 2015
After a fortnight of suspect effort, gives up attempts to correctly pronounce “Pacquiao” and settles on “The Hulkster.”
June 6, 2015
After partnering with Usain Bolt’s sixteenth cousin twelve times removed, wins the Triple Crown of three-legged racing.
June 16, 2015
Ends suspect winning streak by failing to locate Golden State on a map of the U.S.A. and instead locating the second-closest Golden Corral.
June 29, 2015
Rejects Greece’s attempt to pay off debt with a vintage VHS copy of “Grease 2,” insisting that “only Travolta constitutes accepted tender with the possible exception of flaming cheese.”
July 10, 2015
Scrapes Confederate flag off the top of his circa-1981 Hot Wheels “Dukes of Hazzard” General Lee.
July 15, 2015
Threatens to release the identities of all seven members of AshleySimpsonMegafanz.com.
July 16, 2015
Suffers non-life-threatening groinal injuries at the stilettoed feet of Jessica “Big Tuna” Simpson.
July 17, 2016
Debuts in “Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser” as “Mullet No. 6.”
August 6, 2015
Delivers a flying elbow off the top turnbuckle to a somnambulant Jeb! Bush and wins the first Republican presidential primary debate of the preseason.
August 22, 2015
Awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom for refusing to sell life story, not even the boring bits, to Steven Seagal.
August 30, 2015
Renames “ginormous” ant hill in backyard “Mount Taft.” Ant hill runs away upon realizing it is really a mangy raccoon.
September 9, 2015
Loans sense of humor to Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton in exchange for 43 free burrito bowl coupons from Chipotle.
September 25, 2015
Resigns as Speaker of the House John Boehner’s Chief of Airbrush Tanning and Cuticle Scrubbing.
October 2, 2015
Leaves Will Hunting on Mars, but does send him a lovely box of Little Debbie Star Crunch bars aboard Elon Musk’s ego.
October 14, 2015
Goes cruisin’ with Uber-Veep Joe Biden with the t-tops off and the Skynyrd cranked. Marlboros ensue.
October 31, 2015
Triggers 90% of the Pacific seaboard by donning a homemade Halloween costume not unlike Charlie Brown’s. Gets fined by EPA for failure to obtain proper rock harvesting permit.
November 1, 2015
Celebrates being #ForeverRoyal by renewing membership to George Brett’s Ointment-of-the-Month Club.
November 27, 2015
Celebrates Black Freaky Friday by treating Lindsay Lohan to a half-order of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Jalapeño Poppers™ at TGI Friday’s.
December 12, 2015
Finally agreeing to reduce greenhouse emissions, purchases family-sized prepper-pack of Beano.
December 24, 2015
Once again escapes the candle-lit singing of “Silent Night” unsinged.
January 6, 2016
Successfully fools North Korean strongman and affirmed self-haircutting aficionado Kim Jong-un into testing the world’s most powerful hydrogen peroxide on a nasty paper cut.
January 13, 2016
Claims moral victory after coming within seven numbers of winning the $1.6 billion Powerball jackpot.
January 18, 2016
Voices opposition to possible Oscar boycott declaring, “Today Will Smith came for the Grouches, tomorrow Agent J will come for the Snuffleupagusses.”
February 1, 2016
Wins both the Democrat and Republican Iowa caucuses after promising folks that a Fox Whitehouse will do nothing but Netflix and chill.
February 20, 2016
Purchases 20 million unused exclamation points from the now-kaput Jeb! Bush campaign for $49.95.
February 21, 2016
Sells all 20 million Jeb! Exclamation points on eBay to a consortium of used car dealers and mattress outlets for a grand total of $532,866. After eBay and PayPal fees are deducted, nets a profit of six bucks.
March 3, 2016
Launches Indiegogo campaign for Caucus Caulk, a “political leak-stopper guaranteed to keep superdelegates where they belong unless that’s in prison.”
March 6, 2016
In honor of departed former First Lady Nancy Reagan, just says no to a dime bag of Lamisil and proudly “let’s the toe fungus flag fly.”
March 21, 2016
Restores diplomatic relations with Q-Bert.
April 21, 2016
Gets totally weirded out by all the crying doves.
April 29, 2016
Run over by a 1973 Pinto station wagon after subjecting mom to a “motion picture” featuring “acting” and “a coherent plot” called “Mother’s Day.”
May 17, 2016
Sues Chewbacca Mom for sole custody of Chaka and a 3/4-complete collection of Burger King “Empire Strikes Back” collectible glasses.
May 18, 2016
Merges with Time Warner and Charter Communications to form the largest collection of broken DVRs extant.
June 3, 2016
Saddened to move up a spot to the 4,872,998,374th living Greatest of All Time.
June 6, 2016
Spirals into Star Crunch-fueled melancholy at the thought of never being able to sue Gawker.
June 27, 2016
Fails to find a buyer for sketchpad “proof” of a meeting between the ghost of Billy Carter and Loretta Lynn at the Southeast Iowa Regional Airport Cinnabon kiosk.
July 6, 2016
Scores 18,496,443 “grown-up points” by refusing to download Pokemon Go. FBI Director James Comey investigates for a solid 33 seconds before returning to binge watching “The X-Files” on Netflix.
July 30, 2016
Jumps off kids’ swing set without a Totes-based parachute, inversely besting daredevil BASE jumper Luke “Clay Jr.” Aikins by 24,994 feet.
August 9, 2016
Tearfully accepts gold medal from Michael Phelps for “bettering the lives of all humankind by never once donning a Speedo.”
August 14, 2016
Successfully purchases a 44-oz Coke Zero, an off-brand disposable lighter, two packs of Donut Gems, a “tropical-scented” car air freshener and 13 lotto scratch-off cards at the neighborhood Kwik Shop with only minor interference from Ryan Lochte’s cousin Otis.
August 29, 2016
Upon comic legend Gene Wilder’s passing, solemnly accepts role as the new Candy Man after next-in-line Wiliam Katt outs himself as a Stevia user.
September 2, 2016
Escapes uninjured when iPhone 6s fails to explode, proving twenty-nine years of Apple fanboydom was only foolish from a financial standpoint.
September 26, 2016
Wins first presidential debate of the Fall Festival season with a rousing rendition of “Danny Boy” besting Donald Trump’s version of “O.P.P.” and Hilary Clinton’s semi-rhythmic cackling.
October 14, 2016
Fails to launch new movie franchise with the poorly received release of “The PowerPointer” starring a random Affleck.
October 21, 2016
Accidentally brings down the internet for 11 hours by chanting “bloody Bezos” three times into an original Apple iSight webcam.
November 2, 2016
Celebrates youngest son’s seventh birthday by mentally willing the Chicago Cubs to their first World Series title since the boy’s great-grandmother was born.
November 8, 2016
Looks forward to Facebook and Twitter feeds returning to 91% memes, 5% baby photos, 3% Mexican restaurant check-ins and 1% accidental selfies.
November 9, 2016
Deletes Facebook and Twitter accounts.
December 14, 2016
Mis-enters password to Catster.com and unwittingly hacks Yahoo for the 1,648th time.
December 16, 2016
Makes annual attempt at being a “cool dad” by taking the kids (ages 8, 8 and 7) to see a PG-13 movie about some kind of space battles.
December 27, 2016
Wonders why God couldn’t have taken Jar Jar instead.
January 3, 2017
Cancels plans to relocate home office to Taco Bell citing instability in relations between Fritos and burritos.
January 8, 2017
Buys former retail giant The Limited for a case of 8-inch hoop earrings and a VHS copy of “Sixteen Candles.”
January 20, 2017
Patriotically goes full Oompah-Loompah.
February 5, 2017
Learns of deep-rooted, personal evilness thanks to a series of PSAs aired throughout Super Bowl LI.
February 22, 2017
Confirmed by the U.S. Senate as Secretary of the Ulterior. Immediately resigns citing vaguely a religious prohibition against puns.
February 24, 2017
Bars the “Omaha World Herald” from tossing the free Super Saver coupons onto driveway lest the homestead be tainted by “fake savings.”
March 8, 2017
Crowdsources a pair of 3-D printed undergarments.
March 9, 2017
Escapes with mild chafing from 3-D printed undergarments thanks to a permanently traumatized jaws-of-life operator from the Omaha Fire Department.
March 16, 2017
Becomes oldest freshman in the NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament of Unpaid Champions to be dubbed a “diaper dandy” by ESPN cyborg Dick Vitale. Immediately inks sponsorship deal with Depends adult undergarments and is expelled from the proceedings for violating NCAA rules against reaping what you sow.
March 21, 2017
In response to the puzzling-yet-overwhelming popularity of the Disney live-action remake of “Hermione and the Downton Abbey Beast Who’s Still Dead Sexy,” options rights to “Droopy the Dog” in hopes of bringing a Claymation version to Crackle.com in 2028.
April 1, 2017
Celebrates parents’ 50th wedding anniversary by finally letting the ghost of Allen Funt out of their hall closet.
April 9, 2017
Forcibly removed from a United Airlines United Club after attempting to pay for a Coke Zero with a 2-for-1 Pepsi Max coupon from Hy-Vee.
April 28, 2017
After accidentally walking into a screening of “The Circle” instead of “The Case for Christ,” spends the next 72 hours (minus Little Debbie breaks) pleading with God to not let the circle be unbroken by and by.
May 3, 2017
After failing to win the contract to design the presidential library for Barak Obama, takes popsicle-sticks-and-pipe-cleaners model of proposed site on a cross-street tour in an effort to “expose as many people as possible to the glories that would have been an entire wing dedicated to Chic jeans sponsored by Jay-Z.”
May 12, 2017
Acquires 183 biscuit-tons of Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Minis after successfully unleashing the WannaFry ransomware virus upon Steve Ballmer’s personal Zune.
May 24, 2017
Delivers “The People’s Noogie” to a cub reporter for the “Hawthorne (Elementary School) Gazette” claiming said reporter had an “obvious and longstanding bias” against 2% milk in the lunchroom.
June 2, 2017
Helps daughter, aka Wonder Bean, construct DIY Lasso of Truth from 18 pairs of broken shoelaces, the hair of three Beanie Boos and a quart of gold glitter paint. Wonder Mama becomes truly upset.
June 9, 2017
After securing a shocking victory in Britain’s snap election, vows to form unified government with James May and Joey from “Friends.” Ross remains “on a break.”
June 20, 2017
Drops the surprise song of the summer, “Pasty Thyyz and N’eon Nyytz” feat. Snoop Lion and Roy Clark.”
June 21, 2017
Celebrates International Yoga Day at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels & Sodium Palace. And at Cinnabon. And Orange Julius. Possibly Mrs. Field’s.
July 25, 2017
Upon hearing the news that Adobe plans on officially putting the kibosh on Flash once and for all they pinky swear, creates a massive Excel spreadsheet detailing what to do with all the future time saved not downloading critical Flash updates only to discover 98% will be taken up by critical updates to Microsoft Office.
July 28, 2017
Vapes. Hipsters everywhere immediately return to annoying café patrons with clove cigarettes.
August 3, 2017
While laying down some ad-industry truths in Nashville, gets ambushed by the smattering of young creative professionals in attendance and encased in amber to be preserved as a relic of the past.
August 4, 2017
Escapes amber prison thanks to the tingling power of some poorly-rinsed Denorex.
August 26, 2017
While shadowboxing to “Eye of the Tiger” on a don’t-call-it-vintage Sony Discman D2, accidentally pummels Ewan McGregor.
September 3, 2017
Attempts to distract North Korea’s Supreme Jackwagon Kim Jong-un with a circa 1989 Amiga 500 and a copy of the game “Nuclear War” fail when DPRK henchmen are unable to locate a monitor capable of supporting 320x400 resolution.
September 26, 2017
In response to Twitter doubling its allowed character count to 280, edits past 15,334 tweets to include previously excised “umms,” “uhhs,” and “like, seriously, you guys.”
October 18, 2017
Accidently signs up for 1,354,933 Amazon Dash buttons for Cottonelle Flushable Wipes with Extra Aloe for Sensitive Heinies and is awarded rights to Amazon’s pending HQ2.
October 19, 2017
Flush with Amazon HQ2 earnest money, goes “Full One-Sixteenth Bezos” and purchases the East Okoboji Daily Inquisitor and Trading Post.
October 26, 2017
Denied a Freedom of Information Act request for files regarding The Magic Loogie referenced in the third episode of season three of “Seinfeld,” threatens to hold an out-of-season celebration of Festivus for “an emergency airing of grievances and consumption of black-and-white cookies.”
November 1, 2017
In celebration of the Houston Astros’ World Series victory, gets pummeled “Robin Ventura style” by pitching-legend-slash-foundation-repair-pitchman Nolan Ryan.
November 5, 2017
Wins the 2017 New York City Toyotathon.
November 15, 2017
Buys Leonardo da Vinci’s Salvator Mundi for half a bitcoin.
December 13, 2017
Sells rights to personal Fox family entertainment assets, including two rare U2 bootleg CDs and a still-wrapped Criterion Collection laser disc of "Chitty Chitty Bang," to Disney Globocom for $52 worth of funnel cakes (redeemable at Orlando-area parks only).
December 14, 2017
Voids deal with Disney Globocom after numerous sad face and poop emojis reveal that the megacorp failed to Venmo a neighbor's babysitter in a timely manner.
December 30, 2017
Accidentally has a rockin’ New Year’s Eve eve.
January 16, 2018
After the Dow Jones Industrial Average hits 26,000, reconsiders previous decision to invest life savings in the Wallace Cleaver Beaver Farm & Hat Company.
January 20, 2018
In the wake of the U.S. federal government kinda sorta shutting down for 16 minutes in the afternoon, wanders helplessly into a Big Lots and gets lost amongst the pallets of Crunch 'n Munch.
January 22, 2018
Officially recognizes Jefferson City as the capital of Missouri, but not of Mizzou-rah.
February 4, 2018
Celebrates the Philadelphia Eagles first Super Bowl victory by staying as far away from Philadelphia as possible.
February 6, 2018
Uses 4,283 bottle rockets to launch a Tesla coil purchased from Spencer's Gifts in 1983 into low-suburban orbit.
February 9, 2018
Celebrates the opening of the 23rd Winter Olympic Games in PyeongChang, South Korea, with a ceremonial "Crisco luging" down the basement stairs.
February 16, 2018
Fails to convince wife to star in ultra-ultra-ultra-low-budget film "Pasty Cougar" despite or because of assurances that it is "less of a parody or blatant rip-off and more of a truly bad idea."
March 5, 2018
Having missed the previous evening's 90th Pronouncements of Moral Correctitude and Movie Prizes, reverts to just treating folks nicely.
March 8, 2018
Imposes a 25% household import tariff on Stealers Wheel cassettes and CDs, sparking an internet-breaking meme war with K-Tel.
March 17, 2018
Shocked to discover that a company whose business model relies on the mining of its users’ data may not have been super-transparent regarding its acquistion and usage.
March 19, 2018
Leverages daughter’s collection of Beanie Boos and Diamellastic™ jewelry to purchase the newly bankrupt Claire’s Ear-Piercing Emporium.
March 23, 2018
Joins the #DeleteFacebook movement by unfriending everyone on Facebook who vows to #DeleteFacebook but doesn’t.
April 1 – 15, 2018
Something something taxes grumble grumble taxes bah!
April 18, 2018
Attempts to attend Starbucks’ “Day of Race Training” thwarted when it is discovered the company maintains a strong anti-Adidas bias.
April 27, 2018
E. coli outbreak in romaine lettuce proves 45-year anti-salad stance not a “bagful of crazy” as judged by wife.
May 4, 2018
Trying to make up for the disappointment of “The Quiet Place,” sees “RBG” on opening night and is even more disappointed to discover it has nothing to do with a jurist suffering from giantism.
May 5, 2018
Wins the Kentucky Fried Chicken Derby going away.
May 23, 2018
Revealed to be the son of “Canadian” hip-hop “star” Drake as well as the owner of a lightly-modified DeLorean automotive vehicle.
June 4, 2018
After six weeks of fruitless finger snapping, gives up trying to “go Thanos” on furniture dust.
June 19, 2018
Sees three years of futility come to an end by finally catching a Pokémon.
July 2, 2018
Rescues local boys soccer team by teaching them to play baseball.
July 6, 2018
Fails to milk Marvel-mania with the release of “Deer Tick and the Leech” despite a cameo by Paul Rudd’s brother Carl.
July 16, 2018
Takes over as CEO of Papa John’s Pizza & Awkwardness. Immediately merges with Papa Murphy’s Take-N-Bake Pizza to form Father Murphy’s Pizzeria & Beard Oil Emporium featuring a hologram of Merlin Olsen as the chain’s spokesghost.
July 20, 2018
Hired to direct embroiled space epic “Guardians of the Galaga Atari Cartidge” after the original director gets his day job at the Hy-Vee meat counter back.
August 12, 2018
Sues NASA for failing to include neither Parker Posey nor Parker Lewis on its sun-bound Parker Space Probe.
August 13, 2018
Sued by former Hardy Boy Parker Stevenson for not including him in lawsuit against NASA.
August 24, 2018
Banned by all humanity from wearing black Nike catsuits for obvious reasons.
September 8, 2018
Discovers 300 gold coins on a beach in Lake Como, Italy, bearing the graven image of one Emporer Cloonius the Dapper.
September 16, 2018
Purchases “Time” magazine for 190 pesos and a piece of Now & Later (cherry) from Halloween 1978.
October 5, 2018
Sells 400 pounds of shredded Explanation of Benefits Statements from September 2002 on eBay to one Bob Anksy for $200,000 plus shipping.
October 15, 2018
Bid to takeover a now-bankrupt Sears rejected due to proferred Craftsman tool set missing the 8mm and 22mm sockets.
October 18, 2018
After one day on the job, fired as new puppeteer for Big Bird due to insistance that the giant, yellow creature spend most of his time napping.
November 5, 2018
Replaces Victoria “Posh” Beckham on newly announced Spice Girls reunion tour as “Squishy Spice.”
November 16, 2018
Proposal to refine the standard for the kilogram as “the Le Grand K minus one flake of Special K” rejected by a bunch of Frenchpersons.
November 17, 2018
Single-handedly wins the Rugby World Cup championship, defeating the favored New Zealand All Blacks by washing their uniforms in All with Bleach.
December 3, 2018
Grounds all three of the Fox spawn when their YouTube channels fail to make $22 million, falling just short at $2.19.
December 5, 2018
As nation mourns the passing of former President George H. W. Bush, refuses to eat brocolli but does manage to vomit on a Japanese diplomat.
December 13, 2018
Applauds Apple’s decision to help “keep Austin weird” by opening a $1 billion campus in the Texas capital dedicated to “providing each and every person in this city with a Newton PDA.”
January 6, 2019
Accidentally watches the Golden Globe awards and finally learns the correct pronunciation of “Rami Malek” is “Mahershala Ali.”
January 20, 2019
In the wake of the Kansas City Chiefs loss to the New England Patriots in the AFC Championship game, burns Marsha Marsha Marsha in effigy.
January 29, 2019
Buys a Polar Vortex off QVC just to get the “80% compatible with touchscreen devices” bonus mittens.
February 2, 2019
Grows suspicious after selling a case of vintage Kiwi shoe polish to one Ralphosno Nortpork in Virginia on eBay.
February 11, 2019
Upon discovering that “BAFTA” is not an Italian curse word, attempts to get refund from LearnItalianishNow.com.
February 21, 2019
In honor of fallen Monkee Peter Tork, takes the last Clark bar from the corner gas station.
March 7, 2019
Dismayed to discover Queen Elizabeth II’s first Instagram post only used three “lenses” and zero stickers. Commences trolling.
March 8, 2019
Eaten by a Corgi.
March 12, 2019
Refunds $49.99 to Dave Coulier after failing to secure his “troubled nephew” a spot in the Jay Truck Driving School summer session.
March 15, 2019
Melts home’s main fuse panel after plugging in 43 space heaters in an effort to “cheese off the hippies.” Targeted hippies remain dirty.
April 4, 2019
Starts a GoFundMe page to help recently retired ex-wife Kathie Lee Gifford afford a new walk-in wine bunker.
April 14, 2019
Storms the back nine with eight consecutive birdies – including a hole-in-one on the notorious “triple windmill” eleventh hole – to claim fifth green windbreaker at the Putt-Putt Fun Center in Augusta, Georgia.
April 22, 2019
Uses combined powers of Michael Jackson’s bedazzled glove and Thanos’s infinity guantlet to make half of all living creatures moonwalk.
May 2, 2019
Honors the 500th anniversary of Leonardo da Vinci’s death by mashing up Nat “King” Cole’s song “Mona Lisa” with clips from the animated series “Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles” and is promptly sued and/or haunted by all involved.
May 21, 2019
After Washington state legalizes human composting, lays off chimp-based gardening staff.
May 29, 2019
Attempts to cast U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller as Herman in an online reboot of “The Munsters” stall after The Bob insists there is “no legal means for signing a contract” availble to him.
June 12, 2019
In celebration of the St. Louis Blues winning the NHL Stanley Cup, plays “Gloria” in an extremely local theatrical homage to “All in the Family.”
June 20, 2019
Accidentally flies Woot.com-sourced “Joycopter 2.0” drone into the Straits of Hormuz. Hilarity and Hellfire missiles ensue.
July 8, 2019
Commences a week at sea with the family aboard Carnival Cruise newly christened “Branson of the Seas” captained by Vice Admiral Yakov Smirnoff.
July 17, 2019
Banished from Centre Court after convincing Her Highness the Right Honourable Princess of Farkledom, Meghan Markle that the correct pronunciation is, indeed, Wimpleton.
July 28, 2019
Federal arbitrators refuse to take up request to retroactively award $3 million for non-existant 1981 Space Invaders World Cup, but do admit score of 92,000 (not adjusted for inflation) was “wicked cool.”
August 2, 2019
Runs crying from matinee screening of “Hobbs & Shaw” while whimpering, “They killed Calvin!”
August 18, 2019
Dismayed to discover recent of purchase of “Greeneland” was not for the country, but for a Ben Cartwright/Commander Adama-based theme park outside Ottawa, Ontario.
August 21, 2019
Finally smells what The Rock is cooking and asks Alexa to purchase 1.8 million cases of Febreze.
September 9, 2019
After scientists in Britain uncover the first evindence of lactose bigotry dating back 6,000 years, discovers expiration date on eBay-sourced, knock-off Lactaid is “fourth moon after the Moloch fire-eating festival.”
September 11, 2019
Purchases rights to water on 110-light-years-away exoplanet K2-18b and pre-signs Jennifer Aniston’s 1,659th great-grandaughter as spokesdrone.
September 13, 2019
Days before entering late-fortieshood, drowns in a pile of his kids’ “Warrior Cats” books when his dog refuses to save him for philosophical reasons.
October 1, 2019
Celebrates 70 years of Chinese communism by preemptively stealing the 2020 Iowa caucus from Bernie Sanders.
October 9, 2019
Spends morning picking up own gray matter after learning a Nobel Prize recipient and bona fide science guy is for realz named “John B. Goodenough.”
October 13, 2019
While tearfully giving up dream of becoming the most decorated female gymnast ever, is encouraged to receive the most powerful eyeroll given to a husband in the history of marital disapproving looks.
October 30, 2019
Duly impressed when the Washington Nationals win Game 7 of the World Series over the Houston Astros behind a strong relief effort by knuckleballing octogenarian/political puppet master George Soros.
November 5, 2019
Denied by the Nebraska Secretary of State to form a 263-member “self-partnership” intent on distributing knock-off “Harold Terracotta” figurines that look suspiciously like Precious Moments statues that were attacked with Sharpies.
November 7, 2019
Attempts to rid mind of the news that Queen Elizabeth II would “rather go naked than wear fur” using a rubber mallet, Robitussin, and the “Best of Floyd” collection from “The Andy Griffith Show” on VHS.
December 3, 2019
Celebrates the 70th anniversary of NATO by taunting an 18-pound Butterball named Erdo.
December 9, 2019
Banned from spectating at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics and 2022 World Cup for “systemic, systematic abuse of performance-enhancing hair gel.”
December 16, 2019
After 25 years of resisting, finally puts on a giant Lexus bow and deposits self on Mariah Carey’s doorstep.
January 8, 2020
Finally lures Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Farkle, away from the crumpets and into the semi-lucrative world of Canadian dice games.
January 12, 2020
After 47 years of watching the Kansas City Chiefs of the National Football League flail helplessly in playoff games, falls through a wormhole between the sofa cushions and into another, more victorious dimension.
January 19, 2020
Due to the side effects of interdimensional travel, is literally beside himself over the Kansas City Chiefs win in the AFC Championship Game.
January 31, 2020
Makes 18,528,321 pounds sterling by forcing England to Brexit through the gift shop.
February 11, 2020
Runs afoul of Amnesty International after suggesting convicted political advisor Roger Stone be sentenced to 15 minutes reading political Twitter.
February 29, 2020
Earns the sobriquet “Scrooge McLeapface” after refusing to do so much as even a heel lift.
March 3, 2020
Joins the Fed and cuts interest in reading stories about COVID-19 by 0.5%.
March 9, 2020
Amidst the coronavirus pandemic, enters 35th year of self-isolation.
March 22, 2020
Begins communicating with the rest of the household exclusively through Zoom meetings after attempts to tap out messages via Morse code with “level infinity armpit toots” fails.
I started this back in 1997 before blogs – or even many personal web pages – existed. After two years in advertising, and then sans job, I created this timeline of my life as an example of my writing style and suspect creativity. Mainly to supplement my book, which was filled with work for retirement communities, discount funeral homes and Jiffy Lube. I’ve kept it up through the years so that, some day, my kids can look back and learn nothing whatsoever about their dad, other than that he was a bit touched in the head. I have not altered the jokes, such as they are, and most graphics are original so you can tell how the web evolved from over-dithered GIFs to sweet, sweet PNGs. Also, many entries are topical. If confused, do a search for that date and some of the terms. Or simply treat the whole piece like a New Yorker cartoon and assume it’s drolly humorous.
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