Idle Chatter
The back-of-the-rag humor column for Chatter magazine.In With the Old
Welcome to 2015. Or, as the not-as-averse-to-sarcasm-as-you-would-think Holy Spirit calls it, the 23rd Anniversary of Your Resolution to Learn More About the Old Testament Beyond Psalm 23. (The Holy Spirit is often quite verbose, as well.) And while the best way to...
A Hundred Jokes-a-Bombing
In the words of the actually quite-hard-to-understand Charlie Brown chorale, Christmastime is here…carols everywhere. And of all the carols to be found decking the halls with Muzak, my least favorite is “The Little Drummer Boy.” Because, seriously, who invited the kid...
Dear Dexter
For the second time in three years, we yield the Idle Chatter floor to the fowl-based wisdom the honorable Dexter P. Turklesworth. Mr. Turklesworth, who comes from a line of turkey both literal and metaphorical dating back to colonial times, will answer questions...
Ballad for a High School Youth Group Hayride
Summer’s last hurrah has finally abated The autumnal equinox thus celebrated Suburban druids glumly shuffle back To resume their mall duties at Claire’s Piercing Shack Leaving the season to thus be enjoyed By less goth-tacular girls and boys Who rarely spend time...
Do Not Bedazzle the Mantle
My Dear Elisha, If you are reading this parchment, I have already passed beyond the great veil that separates Man from G-d, the Lowly from the Holy, the Accursed Peanut from the Divine Dark Chocolate M&M. Or I have accidentally left it in my robe and you have...
Elisha’s White School Paste
Dearest Parent(s) and/or Guardian(s) and/or Child(ren) Who Stole This From the Mailbox, It’s that time of year again! School days, school days, dear old Golden Rule days. Ha ha ha! At least it will be here at St. Ignatius Coram Deo Academy of the Three Crosses...
Damascus Roadside Attractions
Having read through the Bible several times – not counting Leviticus, Numbers, that one really long Psalm, the Minor Prophets or Third John (the second sequel is always the worst) – I’ve learned a few things and applied even less. Naturally, I tend to keep an eye out...
What a Fool Believes
To answer your first question, yes, the purpose of this entire column is to give me an excuse to use a Doobie Brothers song as the title. Why the Brothers Doob? Because in February of 1973 they charted with a cover of “Jesus is Just Alright” which would go on to form...
Loading Up the Handbasket
In 1979, underground Australian Christian “rock” band Alpha Cristo / Deo Corum managed to quietly sneak a toe-tapper-cum-brain-puzzler of a ditty onto the secular radio charts – including the Billboard AOR (Antichrist-Oriented Rock) rankings – that encapsulated,...
The Case for Cadbury
In the midst of Yuletide yuliness, many Christians are fond of reminding folks like capital-A Atheist Sir Richard Dawkins that “Jesus is the reason for the season so cut us some slack since you got a good deal on that schmancy washer/dryer set.” And while that...