This month, Chatter celebrates its 100th issue. Which is convenient since this happens to be Chatter’s 100th issue and there are mentions referencing said achievement plastered all over the very publication you’re reading. This level of synchronicity is actually rarer in the media than you may know. For example, The Oprah celebrated the 100th issue of O in its premiere edition. Seriously. Look it up. In honor of this semi-illustrious milestone, the suspect editors of Chatter requested that I interview the magazine in hopes that you, the faithful readers, may dare catch a glimpse of its awkward, momentarily anthropomorphic soul. Because I seem to be touched in the head good at this sort of thing.
Jason Fox: So, Chatter, 100 issues, eh? What is that…
Chatter Magazine: Do not make a dog-years joke. Or ferret-years. I’m onto you, weirdo.
JF: I was going to ask how it felt to have four more issues than Small Wonder had TV episodes.
CM: Oh. Sorry. It feels good. It feels Tony Robbins good. Special. Like I’m just getting warmed up, you know? I could easily go a couple hundred more. Although I might need a little CRT to stay youthful.
JF: CRT?
CM: Content Replacement Therapy.
JF: Is that a hint?
CM: Nah. More of a threat.
JF: Moving on. Among church publications, you’re a far cry from the standard bulletin. How did you manage to avoid the poorly Xeroxed-fate so many of your peers could not?
CM: I wasn’t always the gorgeous, plus-sized publication you see before you. I, too, began life as, as you put it, a bulletin. But I was a dreamer, you know? A loner. A rebel. An iconoclast. A raconteur. A bon vivant.
JF: A blowhard.
CM: Exactly. That, plus clean living and some well-timed Instagrammable moments starring Deacon Carl guaranteed my metamorphosis into the glorious repository of glory-based news you see today.
JF: You’re known for having a very specific aesthetic, especially the two-color printing. What led you down that direction?
CM: Cheap, cheap elders. I kid! I love those guys. Even you, Carl. Assuming your rash cleared up. No, the duotone motif was chosen to ensure no one confused me with other, glossier, less churchified publications. Like Us Weekly or Guideposts.
JF: Of the hundreds of articles, blurbs and columns that have appeared in you, what’s been your favorite item so far?
CM: Oh, I never read myself. I am a firm believer in maintaining a lack of introspection. I don’t even know what percentage of recycled post-consumer waste I contain.
JF: Ignorance is bliss, eh?
CM: I wouldn’t know.
JF: So does that mean you’re unaware of your own advertising policy?
CM: Oh, I’m saddle-stitched-spine-deep into our advertising. Although I don’t like calling them ads. I prefer “things that fill up space when certain writers fail to hit their assigned word count.” I’ve also been pushing for classifieds for years. Maybe a Singles section. Maybe I’m just projecting my loneliness. Who can say? But I do miss Marie.
JF: Claire?
CM: Osmond. I was just a little bit too rock ’n’ roll.
JF: And a lot too evangelical?
CM: Hey! Don’t bring race into this, smart guy! I’ll paper-cut you.
JF: With paper roses, I’m sure. Anyway. What do you see happening to yourself over the next 100 issues?
CM: A full-bore multimedia explosion. And not just some iPad reader, either. I mean something like totally tricked-out augmented reality where you hold your phone at an article and Pastor Andy’s head floats up and tells you to stop reading during the service. Or holographic projections. Maybe even a third color. I dunno. Depends on if the venture capital comes through. You’d think my name alone would loosen up some purse strings, but so far, no luck.
JF: Why would the name Chatter Magazine help?
CM: Because that’s the name I use on my SAG card. My given name is Chattsworthy M. Zuckerberg.
JF: Wait. You’re a Jew?
CM: For Jesus!
JF: Well amen. One last question: If you could be printed on any kind of tree, what kind of tree would that be?
CM: Shoe. Thanks, I’m here all week. Try the veal.
Jason Fox is a Gentile for Jesus.