Halloween means many things to many people. To some, it is a chance to publicly consume candy corn with 90-percent less ridicule. To others, the pseudo-holiday offers the opportunity to fill up their bags and buckets with all manner of off-brand confections. (Milky Whey, anyone?) And still, to a certain segment, All Hallows’ Eve affords an occasion to dress up as a “naughty fill-in-the-blank” at the office party without having to visit HR the next day. Although the day after that is still a possibility depending on what photos turn up on Facebook.
For the Christian, Halloween can pose a bit of a conundrum. The day, though rooted in the Christian All Saints’ Day, may have deeper roots in pagan rituals. Also, many of the costumes are of the decidedly ungodly sort. Devils, serial killers, politicians, “Twilight” fans, etc. All available in normal or, again, naughty varieties. But it need not be this way. No one is required by law, yet, to purchase a costume from a pop-up seasonal strip mall store that claims to be one size fits all but was apparently intended for the pygmy tribes of Papua New Guinea. Which is odd considering their well-documented hatred of fishnet stockings and mullet wigs.
Instead, with a little creativity and a trip or two to the thrift store or grandma’s closet, one can construct a costume of truly biblical proportions. Which will only seem naughty if the ACLU catches your kid wearing it to school.
Adam or Eve – Unless you plan on having one of those kinds of parties, your Adam or Eve outfit should be from the post-fall period. First, find yourself a nude, full-body leotard (or an adult onesie that’s three sizes too small). Then raid the office ficus trees, which are always fake, for fig leaf stand-ins. Staple or hot glue said leaves into a toga or jaunty track suit and you’re good to go. Please avoid the single leaf option. It’s cheaper, but not in a good way. Also, if you find a green leotard, you can go as the Jolly Green Giant next year. That’s value.
Jonah – There are a couple of ways of pulling off a good Jonah. One is to dress like a biblical shepherd and pour whale guts all over yourself. While you may score a couple bonus points for finding whale innards so far inland, you’ll be docked a couple million due to stench-related issues. The non-stankified way is to dress like a biblical shepherd and then walk around with a rubber whale eating your hand. You may have to bloatify a rubber shark to pull this off, but them’s the breaks. If you’re into group-based puns, get a couple members of your “posse” to dress the same way and tell folks you’re the Jonahs Brother. Only do this if you’re single and wish to remain so.
Linus – No, I’m not referring to the Linus mentioned by Paul in 2 Timothy 4:21. I mean Linus from “Peanuts.” This costume works for kids and adults alike. It’s cheap, requiring just a red shirt, black shorts and a blue blanket. And it’s subversive. You can wander around spouting Bible verses all night; and if anyone complains, you can whip out your iDevice and show them the scene from “A Charlie Brown Christmas” where Linus throws down some mad Luke free verse.
Michael the Archangel – Thanks to advancements in wearable robotics and lighting, crafting a truly awesome angel costume is within your reach. A few strands of LED rope lights, an 18-volt battery from the power drill, some handiwork with PVC pipes and muslin, and a bit of Arduino tinkering and you’re no longer the office nerd. You’re the office nerd with giant flapping wings and lasers shooting out of your contact lenses and a huge following on Instructables.com.
Charlton Heston as Moses – My personal favorite on this list, and a costume I have longed to create for myself, Charlton Heston as Moses offers a double-shot of awesome few ensembles can match. All one needs is to Google an image of Chuck in full Moses regalia from “The Ten Commandments” and match said outfit as well as possible. If you have a staff that can turn into a snake, awesome. If your significant other can dress like a pillar of fire or Yul Brenner as Ramses, even better. And if you have an NRA ball cap and a conceal-carry permit, well, that’s best of all. So let it be written, so it shall be done.
C.S. Lewis – If you find a Snuggie too itchy, then dressing in an old-school shepherd’s robe may not be the best idea. Instead, try going as the 20th century’s favorite Christian apologist and “Narnia” creator, C.S. Lewis. All you need is a tweedy suit, round spectacles, a bald cap (or not, depending) and a pipe. Carrying around a copy of “The Screwtape Letters” may also help people realize you’re not just a Sigmund Freud who forgot his beard.
God the Father – One should always go with God. Going as God? Well, that’s another matter. However, this idea is less of a costume and more of a home defense system. Instead of turning off the lights and hiding in the bedroom streaming episodes of “Punky Brewster” on your iPad until the mini-Sookies quit ringing your doorbell, try this: Rent a searchlight. Place searchlight about 10 feet from your front window. When doorbell rings, turn on searchlight and cue up that part from “The Lord of the Rings” movies where Gandalf says, “Thou shall not pass!” Finally, kick back and enjoy your bounty of snack-sized Milky Wheys.
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Jason Fox is still trying to get the wrapping off a Bit-O-Honey bar from 1979.