Archeologists recently uncovered evidence of a Twitter-like social network dating back to around 2300 B.C. Among the many banal postings about knitting robes and detangling beards, one series of posts stood out for its potential to shed light upon one of the Bible’s grandest cataclysms – the Great Flood. Sadly, while Noah, aka @gopherwoodboy, may have been the world’s lone righteous man and handy with a mallet, he was not a particularly masterful historian. Nonetheless, the follow postings are presented for your perusal: Voice just woke me up and said to build something called an “ark.” Time to lay off the yak burritos and Morgan Freeman films before bed. 4:31 AM 98 years 16 days ago from the Loom   
   Morgan Freeman spoke to me again about this “ark” thing. Explained it’s just a big boat. No idea what a “boat” is, either. 5:22 PM 98 years 13 days ago from the Loom    Started on the “ark” today. Figured it’s better than another status meeting about sackcloth production. Besides, how long could it take? 8:14 AM 97 years 244 days ago from PapyriDeck 1.0 Just spent 33 years trying to find gopher wood. Turns out it’s slang for cypress. I’d be more upset with Morgan if my lifespan weren’t 800 years. 12:10 PM 64 years 138 days ago from the Loom   Check this: Morgan is God. Not like “Clapton is God.” I mean the real one. And not like Jimmy Page, either, @shamlech. Let it go. 8:14 AM 64 years 93 days ago from PapyriDeck 2.1 I have “found grace in the eyes of the Lord.” I hope “grace” is God-talk for “gravy.” 5:31 PM 63 years 364 days ago from PapyriDeck 3.0 Got pitch in my beard again. 7:44 PM 58 years 229 days ago from PapyriDeck 4.2 Tried it. Pitch remains and I smell like a hobo. FAIL. RT @sonofthunder77 A little potash will get the pitch out. 7:44 PM 58 years 229 days ago from PapyriDeck 4.2   Always forget if I use my left or right forearm to measure a cubit. My body’s a tad asymmetrical. What? TMI? 10:54 AM 45 years 16 days ago from the Loom   It’ll float on water, @slopeyhead. Don’t be such a Neanderthal. 10:54 AM 45 years 16 days ago from the Loom   Sorry. Forgot. My bad, dude. RT @slopeyhead My mom’s 1/4 Neanderthal. 11:19 AM 45 years 16 days ago from the Loom   Almost done. Waiting on hay bales from Overstock. That $2.95 next-year-oxen shipping is da bomb. 3:13 PM 1 year 255 days ago from the Loom   Oh sure. Now they come out with a cubit calculator app for my iPapyrus. Where were you 83 years ago? 9:22 PM 1 year 139 days ago from the Loom   Forgot to include a door. Struggling to not take Morgan Freeman’s name in vain. 6:55 AM 1 year 26 days ago from PapyriDeck 9.0.1 Was just informed that Noah’s Ark is really Dr. Doolittle’s Happy Fun Barge and Petting Zoo. Bring the kids. 7:41 AM 1 year 3 days ago from the Loom Oh, and that I’m in charge of rounding up all the animals. Even the lemurs. I hate lemurs. 7:45 AM 1 years 3 days ago from the Loom Because they reek worse than @slopeyhead, that’s why. RT @applebiter99 Y do u hate lemurs 🙁 10:14 AM 1 years 3 days ago from the Loom A lion chomped one of the gazelles last night. I don’t have wiggle room in the budget for this. 9:12 AM 341 days ago from PapyriDeck 9.0.1 One window on this dinghy. Think about it. 6:55 AM 333 days ago from PapyriDeck 9.0.1 Tried sneaking on a few extra fatted calves. Morgan said this a granola-only voyage. Also, no gravy. 10:35 PM 257 days ago from the Loom Unicorns ran off again. Forget it — the horses are close enough. And safer. 6:55 AM 1 years 26 days ago from the Loom Water is falling from the heavens. Who’s the crazy, old goat herder now @philthephilistine? 6:55 AM 1 years 26 days ago from PapyriDeck 9.0.1 Rainy days and great floods always bring me down. 6:55 AM 10 days 16 hours ago from PapyriDeck 11.0 Water’s rising. If this boat’s a-rocking, don’t come a-knockin’! 8:45 PM 1 day 3 hours ago from the Loom Correction: If this boat’s a-rockin’, the elephants are pukin’. Glad I put Ham on cleanup duty. 8:53 PM 1 day 3 hours ago from PapyriDeck 11.0 Think my WiPy signal’s fading fast. Stay real Mesopotamia! @gopherwoodboy out. 1:51 AM 3 seconds ago from PapyriDeck 11.0
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